A lady in the crowd
My entire life I've been accustomed to live in a lonesome manner. Rather than being ashamed of abandonment I held pride in being a bastard. My mother and father fled to a foreign country, and this was way out of an infants reach. "Please don't leave," I'd never said because I hadn't developed the capacity of speaking Spanish or the English tongue.
A part of me is convinced that I'm the one to blame for their misfortune of being burdened with an unwanted child. My entire existence is the problem. I should help by doing them a favor. Leaving will better their miserable lives. I could finally quit the act of playing strong because I've always been weary and weak. No one would longer question why bottles of wine went missing from the cellar. I was a drunken twelve year old with empty bottles of whiskey and vodka. It was my way of feeding my painful existence. Each passing day my body craved more and more burning liquids that made my problems go away. Everything went away when I passed out on the floor.
Goodbye restless nights that left me beaten from exhaustion. All of those frequent nightmares that left my entire body soaked in layers sweat. Or worst when I wet the mattress where my pajamas soaked in a pool of warm piss. Even though the monsters were gone I continued uncontrollably shrieking. My instincts of reacting to stress were yanking chunks of my hair and biting my nails to the core, I rocked myself back and forth as I nearly ripped off my sucked thumb.
"All you have to do is sprint from your grandmothers home and run to the unfenced area of the American Canal. Don't stop running and plunge within the untamed currents. One step away jump you pathetic piece of shit! Maybe just maybe momma and papa will finally be happy." I smiled at the memory.
In the end something always managed to stop me. Years have passed and I continue to view this canal as my favorite safe haven. The track team enjoys striving along side the edges of the water. I run among our distance runners as we sing along to songs from 98.3's radio station. With our faces against the sun we're smiling brightly at our high school years. Where their biggest problem is finding a dress to wear for prom.
"It's peaceful here. Listening to the sound of the waters. Anne don't you think it's beautiful?" Carolina asked holding an optimistic smile.
"Yes indeed it is." I said smiling back except my smile never matched my eyes.