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"Black Night/Golden Circus" by Strawberry Girls [This is Elise's music. I've decided to listen to it. I don't know if maybe this is a weird way to cope with what happened]
April 14, 2015 Tuesday 10:09 PM
I'm scared to stop crying over Elise. I'd rather have tears streaming down my face for the rest of my life. Rather have my face swollen, rather have my skin rot away. Maybe the tears will form rivers on my face or something.
I feel sick and guilty.
I'm tired. I got back from Peer Leadership an hour and a half ago. I always feel guilty whenever I forget her for just a second. It kills me that no one around here knew her.
A couple people that Elise knew found my diary somehow. It never occurred to me to ask them how. It makes me wonder if I should be searching, too. But for what?
I printed out two different articles about her death. I like reading them everyday. To remind me it happened. To remind me she was real.
Peer was fun, actually. I got there about an hour early. I went into the classroom where we meet right after Track practice ended (my heart is aching right now). I hung out with Olivia and a couple others for awhile. There was a kid who I'll just call Music, I guess. That's kind of a stupid play on his actual name, haha.
Anyway, he was real nice. I walked away and he was saying something about how he didn't know me so he couldn't be honest yet. I was like, "What?"
And he was like, "Oh, hey, beautiful! Oh, fuck, I was honest."
I rolled my eyes at that because it's cheesy as hell. Sweet, but cheesy. I know he didn't mean anything by it - he has a girlfriend he's very dedicated to.
I introduced myself and then for the rest of the time, he'd "accidentally" call me Victoria or Vicky because I told them how a lot of the time, people call me Vicky or Caroline (not really the name 'caroline', I'm referring to my older sister's name). It was kind of funny. Anyway, I was kind of tearful and stuff after Peer but he made me feel better with all his joking. I love intelligent, funny boys. Ah, they make my day. He kind of reminded me of Adrian, because he did the same thing yesterday.
In Peer, I talked to Brock (I thought he was the only one who could handle it) about Elise's death. About how I was drawing her, and how I keep getting this strong urge to show her, and it breaks my heart when I realize that I can't. How once I wake up, I keep thinking about her. How I almost think I'm dreaming. Oh man, I fucking cried. Still, I didn't satisfy myself. I want to tell everyone around the world what she was like. This is not enough.
Oh, Wait! About Music (the dude, not the thing): he has something he calls his "friend stick" and it's so fucking cute!!! It's this piece of wood he has all his friends sign so that he can count his friends, haha. My school has so many interesting people.
There's another guy in peer who looks just like Frozone from the Incredibles (don't tell him that, I think it makes him mad) and Music was like, "if I were a girl, I'd fuck you." His reaction was BEAUTIFUL. He was like, "What??!??!? Woah man! What the fuck!"
I really need to go to sleep but I don't feEL DONE. Alright. Goodnight.
PS: today was a beautiful day. It was around sixty degrees. The sun was shining and later it was cloudy, which I prefer. Everyone was incredibly nice. The trees bent with the wind.
(Shit, I had Trig hw??)
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