John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2015-04-13 08:31:59 (UTC)

Entry 153

Just writing to clear my head because I don't want to get how I did a couple of days ago. I am numb but getting to the point of dread. I can feel it gnawing at my stomach just waiting for something to tip the ice burg. I was watching something a few weeks ago...I can't remember too well what it was...Oh yeah, it was 5ive Girls! And the main villain was telling the blind character who was hoping that she would one day be able to see to be careful with hope. Hope is a liar and it fools humans into believing in lost causes. I sort of feel that way now. I am afraid that I am hanging on to hope and faith and the bright side for no reason. Because that is not indicative of what is real. A couple of days ago... Actually I think it was yesterday. It was on Saturday. My dad didn't come home after I'd came home from a party and spending a few hours at my friends house. Dad is never home anywhere. Leaves early in the morning and he comes back at 11 at night. At least that is what has been happening until Saturday. Saturday he came until 2 am and then he left again early the next morning. Yesterday he just didn't come home at all and it's Monday morning now, he is not picking up his phone and he is nowhere to be located. My mom woke me up at 6 am...now I can't go back to sleep because there is just too much on my mind. My mind has a habit of assuming the worst. If you do not come home or you are late, I assume you are dead and you will just not be coming back. So I started looking at studio apartments and at basic military training camp videos, just to see what my near future will look like. He did not answer his phone and my mom left to go leave my brother at school. She os usually back by now but she is lagging it today, who knows where is looking for him. I'm upset. But like I said, I am showing no sort of emotion at the moment and the tears are not rolling down onto the bedding yet. My mother told me before she left that this was the last straw and she will be looking for housing now. I supported that. I don't know what his problem is and that makes me fucking angry. He is the one who has been drinking and smoking crack and for what? He has bills and 3 properties to pay. He has no fucking business doing this irresponsible sort of shit. So it is clear that he isn't happy. But what, is it because he feels he has to fucking take care of us? My mother was doing fine in the other house and so was Rafael. Rosa could have stayed over there too and I can go rack up some debt at school and live on housing. You do not have to support ANYONE! I just don't fucking understand what his issues are and how horrible he is to us. He treats us like fucking dead weight or extra load. We are the ones who are leeches or parasites. But he's the one that wanted us all here in the first place! He was sitting there saying he missed them and he was sad because of their absence and laughter. Well when you got it, you ignored it and wanted it to not be there. 20 years and it was all in vain. It was all garbage and meaningless. He didn't give two fucks, let's get real. But the guy wanted to make us suffer along with him. I don't know if he's dead or not, I am going to assume right now that he is. But if he isn't then he's coming home to an empty household. My mom is leaving and so is Ralph and Rosa. I'll be leaving as well and maybe living with mom and them for a while, until I can get some sort of leverage to move out and move closer to school. Dad will have to deal with his issues on his own because we have no business being here where we are unwanted. Or only wanted so that we can be ignored. And if he's dead well then I guess there is a lot of paperwork to do. Death records...the cars that he recently bought are going to have to be taken to the DMV and registered. I don't know how any of that shit is going to work since I don't even know where he left the paperwork or if he had any paperwork to begin with. Damnit... Ugh, I was doing so good! I have an A in stats and in most of my courses! That never happens! I was trying so hard to recuperate after grandma's death, I was making gains, I was ready to leap for glory! So much momentum and now it is going to be stopped...I can't allow myself to feel... I have to continue to do homework and coursework and fucking continue to get those grades! I am taking 7 classes a week, 4 days a week. I can't work and take 7 classes a week! I'll fucking destroy myself. Damn it, why man, why? Why fucking me... This is the shit that is my worst fear. Death, loss, change...I'm holding back all the horrible thing I want to say to him because I do not want to come back one day, read this, and regret the shit that I've written so I edited out any obscenities I directed at him. No one can help me. No friend...no one. I have a feeling Meño was in on it too. My mom asked him for a ride and he refused. So there is something to hide and Meño knows it. He ain't spilling the beans though. Well...that's basically all that is going through my mind for now. I am not going to have a panic or anxiety attack like I did on Saturday. I am going to have to be strong. Ralphy will be devastated. The kid tried to ignore everything and pretend like it wasn't happening. The results are in, buddy. Your precious daddy is gone, pal.




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