"Your Protector" by Fleet Foxes
[this song has been stuck in my head]
Sunday 7:16 PM
I'm still feeling pretty down. That's expected, though. You can't just suddenly be wonderful and happy. You can't just suddenly get rid of all the guilt and sorrow you feel. All that is pretty obvious. I don't know why I felt the need to stretch it into five sentences. I guess that's why I'm pretty good at bullshitting school essays.
My kitty is sleeping on a stack of printer paper. Even THAT reminds me of Elise because she was a fan of animals, mainly bunnies. I think I might just read her entries for the rest of my life, listen to her favorite music or something. I wrote her a couple messages today. Of course, I knew she wouldn't reply but I had stuff to say. It was like seventy degrees out so I went on a walk with my dog and talked out loud to myself. And to her. But I don't believe she could ever be there. Still, it was kind of comforting??? Anyway, I found a pretty awesome gnarly tree and a very cool, pale leaf that I brought home. That's another thing she did for me. I never really liked nature much before we became friends. Man, was she good.
I have school tomorrow, ugh!!! I don't want to go, I feel like I'm just going to cry my way through the whole day, like I've been doing today. I'm not kidding, even when I was walking in public, I was crying. I just couldn't stop. Even now, my body kind of feels like I'm sobbing. My stomach is all shaky. I'm not crying, though. I'm alright.
I hope I never forget her. I'm really worried about mortality now.
(I'm talking to my friend, who I will just call Dude, and I really want to be sarcastic with him sometimes, just because I'm kind of a sarcastic person, but it's reaLLY HARD TO DO THROUGH TEXT ugh. Limits of written word, you know?)
I wanted a computer for my birthday so I can finally play video games, y'know? My whole life is me being deprived of technology. That's all fine and stuff but now I really want to play Skyrim because that game is the shit and I can't do that on our Mac (my dad hates all Windows machines and will fight to the death for Apple computers).
Anyway, I'm going to build my own. I have a guide and everything. We've already ordered the parts (CPU, Motherboard, case, a bunch of other shit). I'll put it together with a Phillip's head screwdriver (according to the guide) and yeah, when I'm done, I'll have a gaming computer that is not Apple.
IN OTHER NEWS: Don't know if I mentioned this, but I have the coolest multicolored pencil in the fucking WORLD. I love it. It makes all of my drawings a little edgier. I used to sketch a lot, but for the past couple months, I've been really into using pen and paint, just because I want to learn new mediums.
And once again, I'm thinking about Elise. I thought about art and I thought about how I've been using pen since before she passed away and I thought about how I was wait-listed (art school thing) after she died and how I was kind of upset and how this is much, much worse. Much worse.
Well, now I'm about to go watch a Harry Potter movie with Dude. Dude's on the other side of the country so we'll just have to trust that the other is actually watching but yeah. I fucking love Harry Potter. Okay. Goodnight.