LustingforNightmares

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2015-04-12 11:05:17 (UTC)

Elise


"Can't Say No" by The Helio Sequence

Captivate, cultivate, relegate and chalk it up to the basic needs
Dissipate, isolate, these days you can't run or believe all that you read
And all the kids with the download brainwaves
Holding up signs saying "guns kill, god saves"
And all in the form of the faceless news cast
Commercials, they say live well but die fast

Even if you wanted to
Even if you could, oh-oh
You can't say no

Confident keepers of many left wondering
Desolate dreamers with heads caught up in the sway
Obstinate heeders of organized ignorance
Making up rules for the mute and the willing
But all the kids that are raised in the freefall
And from the silence of a pacified strip mall
They pay the wage with their dollars of gravity
On their bedside, oh, my conscience calls to me

Even if you wanted to
Even if you could, oh-oh
You can't say no

April 12, 2015 Sunday 11:07 AM

I printed out pictures she sent me and hung them up around the house. I'm about to deface one. Well, no. I'm drawing lines on it so I can match up the size to a canvas I have. I want to paint a picture of her. She asked me a long time ago to draw her. I said yes and I promised myself I'd get around to it, but I never did. I want to, now. I really don't want to mess up.

Last night, before I found out, I was on tumblr. I had just sent her a message, telling her I miss her. I kept checking my inbox, waiting for a reply. I saw a post that was about culture appropriation. Someone had stated their opinion on it, an opinion I don't completely agree with, and their words had been crossed out and ignored. I posted my opinion, too, which was something along the line of, "Instead of bullying people into supporting you, why don't you educate them so they'll believe in your cause as much as you do?"

I got some rude fucking replies about how they don't owe the uneducated anything and they're not worth it. I hate that. They're such hypocrites, god. I think Elise would agree with me. They don't go about their whole activism thing in a very nice way. I understand, but it's really hard to listen to someone when you feel defensive and this is what I've been trying to explain to them. They may be assholes, but that doesn't mean you have to be. And just because someone doesn't know something doesn't mean they're out to offend you. They just need to learn.

I've been thinking about Elise a lot. I stayed up a bit later after that entry, had no idea how I could ever fall asleep again. I had a massive headache from crying so much and was very nauseas. I actually thought I was going to puke a couple times. Eventually, I fell asleep. Mostly dreamless. Woke up. Remembered. Started crying again.

It's weird because it feels like my body is reacting to something I can't feel. It still doesn't seem real, but my body is, I don't know, mourning. Mourning without me. I'm trying, but I'm a few steps behind, still haven't quite realized she was here, almost have a difficult time realizing she ever existed at all. it's not that I don't remember, it's that I only heard her words, I never experienced her with all my five senses. I can trick myself into thinking she was a stranger that died in a way that horrifies me and that's why I've been crying so much.

My dad came in this morning before heading to church. He said, "I just wanted to let you know, I'm going to put a stone in the bowl for your friend. What was her name?"

"Elise."

"What color would you like the stone? White? Brown? Gray? Multicolored?"

I said, "multicolored" because she had skin with all the colors of the sky and I think that kind of rock for that kind of reason would please her.

God, she was so pretty.

I got the massive headache again from crying, but it kind of faded.

Oh, and for those who don't know: I don't know if this is the way it is at other churches, but at my dad's Unitarian church, they have a time during the sermon where you place a stone into some kind of container and then you can share your joys or sorrows. He's not religious but he loves the community. He tries telling me that unitarianism is a religion, but I disagree. I think it's a philosophy treated like a religion. That's fine, either way. If I had to choose to go to church, I'd go to his.

I've been re-reading my messages with Elise. We talked about vintage clothes and getting her fancy, bad ass eye patches in case her eye sty took a turn for the worse.

Every time I cry, it feels selfish. Like I'm crying for a bad reason. When it comes down to it, it's because she's gone, but even that seems selfish of me and I wonder if my mind is warped. I really thought one day we'd get together and have tea and talk in british accents. I really thought she would change the world. If anyone could do it, it would be her.

ugh, the massive headache is starting again.


PS: The following is from an entry that I wrote on the day of Elise's last entry. She's mentioned briefly, not by name. I didn't even realize.


"I don't know exactly why I feel better than I did last night.

Honestly, I wanted to die so bad and today ????

Today, I'm better. I know of one thing that helped: I read an entry of someone's and it was basically her appreciating these teeny tiny things around her and it was sO ADORABLE AND INSPIRING that I just wanted to feel that excited about everything in the world. Even snow. I fuckin' hate snow, because I have to trudge through two feet of it when I get home (I don't have a house key because the last time I did, I ended up breaking it and half of it was lodged in the lock for several months). I like when it's snowing and it's nighttime, I like when it snows so much that we don't have school, I love when it snows even though it's warm enough for you to walk outside in just a regular jacket and nothing else. I like snowball fights a lot. Unfortunately, most of the time snow is gross and inconvenient and heavy and the temperature is either in the single digits, or it's negative. NOT TO FUCKING MENTION THE WINDINESS THAT IS UPSTATE NEW YORK. Canada can't keep its air to itself. Plus, I walk to school. I don't have to, but it's a long story that I don't feel like telling."

ELISE, YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME WANT TO BE ALIVE. There are no words for you. You were amazing.


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