Cheese

Story of a Girl
2015-04-11 21:40:22 (UTC)

Settling in the new house

So... I was kinda agitated with Matt. Fucking Matthew.

We've had a substitute for 7th period both Thursday & yesterday, since the band is off on their field trip & the remaining students at school had to practice music or whatever. So basically, the substitute didn't give a shit about what we did & the only drum major left didn't really want to do much, so we could do our own things, basically. I was trying to finish off some chemistry work & doodle because why not, & Matt kept sitting by the place I was working at. Then, he went to sit with two or three other girls. That same girl who kept asking him to go to dances sat in front of him & asked, "So when are you going to tell me about the girl you like?" And since he was sitting only a few feet away, I could hear everything they were talking about. "Well, she has dark skin... for a female, I guess. And I have her for like half of my classes."

And I instantly knew, "Nope. It's not me." Because I'm WHITE AS FUCK. I'm that glittering vampire from Twilight. And I only 2 & a half-ish classes with him now instead of 4 because his whole schedule got fucked up. But even then, it can't be me.

THAT IS SUCH A HUGE RELIEF.

I know that last year, there was a rumour about him & El having some kind of beef going on but I'm still not sure if ithe rumours are true because they both got along really well & actually held long conversations, but there was obvious tension between the two of them... BUT, I do know that Elías doesn't like him for whatever reason. I honestly just want to be friends with Matthew because he's just this super cool guy & all. If he did actually like me, it'd be really weird because those few past months, I've been feeling really weird around him.. Weird as in I avoided him like the plague because that whole "I love you" thing kinda threw me off. BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH. I'm kinda confused because he's still ignoring me but today he actually said bye to me, like, in a happy way. I left the band room before he did & I didn't even think he'd notice me from where I was waiting for my friends. And then all of a sudden I heard "BYE BIANCA" & I was kinda like, "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU NOTICE ME FROM ALL THE WAY OVER HERE?" I didn't yell that though. I wanted to. I yelled back "Bye" with a wave & then he got on his bus... I thought he drove his own car but I guess that's only on days of sectionals.

I feel kinda bad for him though. I told my friends that him & I were good, I guess, because he didn't like me & then Loloo asked me, "Do you know who his crush is?" So I explained to them what he said... and it occured to me. I KNOW WHO HE LIKES. I used to sit near her in the beginning of the year; she sat in front of me & we talked all the time, before the teacher gave the class new assigned seats. She had a bae thing going on at the time. She would show me text messages between her & her "future bae" then & they'd call each other "my angel" "my cutiepie" AS FRIENDS. It's obvious that they really liked each other... and now she's dating her desired bae. And Matt likes her now. Fucking love triangle going on. I don't think he knows that she's dating someone, but he continues to walk her to classes. Like, he'll wait for her outside the class until she comes out. I think it was Tuesday, I was heading to my 3rd period classroom & they share 2nd & 3rd period together. Their classroom is right by the hall entrance, so I passed by on my way. I guess I left my classroom too early because Matt was standing outside the classroom, waiting for the girl, & then they walked to class. It was weird because we kinda made eye contact & I HATE making eye contact with people. So he didn't talk to me in the rest of our half-ish classes. It wasn't until our last class that he decided to talk to me, kinda. It was just a really weird 10 second conversation, but it was WEIRD. Whatever. HIM AND I CAN BE GOOD FRIENDS NOW & I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THAT. So I guess Matt & I are good? I mean, he's still ignoring me & I'm not entirely sure why he's ignoring me, but whatever. I don't really have to worry about "friendzoning" him or whatever because he's not interested.

I also did make a new friend today while talking to my friends about him. WOOT! Look at me being social & all~ It sucks because I hate making friends at the end of the year-- but whenever I make friends at the end of the year, they usually end up being like my best friends or something. I mean, take Renett for example. We're not exactly best friends or whatever but we're pretty damn close.

Hm... Elías is kinda starting to piss me off. In a good way, I think. It's usually in the spring that he starts being a little shit. I like to think of him as being a girl who's on her worst, heaviest period ever. He's so fucking moody, he complains about literally EVERYTHING, & he eats everything within sight. Just last night, I saw him order & eat a large, pepperoni/hawaiin pizza ENTIRELY by himself. It was just one pizza, it was two.

Me: Holy fuck I could really use some pizza.

Him: ...I'm so full, but I'm going to finish this mother-effing pizza. *shoves entire pizza in mouth*

Me: OH MY GOSH HOW DID YOU-- OH MY GOD.

But yeah, he's basically having his man period. For two weeks. And it's weird. He ONLY behaves like this for two weeks in the months of April & October. That's it. Every other month, he's a nice, cuddly little bear. Just not this month & I don't know why he's acting like this, but whatever. I've been putting up with his shit for 3 years & I'll continue to do so until the day I die.. SPEAKING OF WHICH; Fern is doing me the oh so 'lovely' favor of reminding me every two hours that our 4 year anniversary is coming up next month. As of today, we have 4 weeks, 4 days, & 22 hours left. Thank you Fern. Honestly, if it wasn't for Fern, I probably would've forgotten our anniversary. She's constantly reminding us so she's basically why I've gotten that date engraved in my mind. I mean, I think El & I have been together for a looooong time (for teenagers, ofc) & we've both kinda gotten to a point where we don't really know how long we've been a thing. And I'm still kinda surprised we've been a thing for so long. I'm glad that I have someone who puts up with all my childish, overreaction bullshit because I'll never find someone like him ever again. (:^))

OH. THREE DAYS GRACE IS COMING TO MY CITY ON THE 17TH & MY MOM MIGHT TAKE ME. FLOOR IS ONLY $30 SO YAAAAAAAS. I'VE GOT EXACTLY $35 & I'LL PROBABLY HAVE ALMOST $50 BY FRIDAY. UGH I WANT TO GO SO BAD! Adam left the band, but I've heard Painkiller where Matt is singing & that song wasn't that bad. It was actually pretty good, so I'm kinda excited to hear their new album. I've also heard Human Race & I can kinda understand why everyone seems to kinda "hate" it.

It's Saturday & after what feels like forever, my siblings & I can FINALLY leave my dad's house because my mom got the keys to the new house... It's a HUGE downgrade. Our previous house was two stories. Double living room, double kitchens; each room on one floor, the second room on the other floor. We had 3 bathrooms & 5 bedrooms. Yeah, this house is waaaaay smaller. One living room, one kitchen, 2 bathrooms, & 3 bedrooms. This could be considered big to others, but the rooms are so incredibly tiny! We can barely fit two small beds into one of the rooms. Since we're hosting Ellíe for the year, my parents wanted to give her her own room but since the house is small, I'm going to share the room with her. She's like super cool & we share clothing, so this isn't so bad. Our house is in this condo-like community & so far, it's very calm here. We arrived, unpacking everything from the bags my mom threw our stuff in. I spent, basically, the entire day cleaning because I kept stopping to organize all my things correctly. Like, when I finally found all my books & manga, I had to organize them by their size... But hey, at least they're all neatly organized! Ellíe gets to sleep by the window & I sleep by the wall, but since we don't have curtains, you can still see light from the outside & it's not letting me sleep. In fact, I should be sleeping right now. But I can't. I can't sleep with any source of light. And those lights outside aren't letting me sleep. BLEH.

We're going to finish unpacking tomorrow because the majority of the remaining things in the living room are for Ellíe, the girls, & I. Oh, & we're going to go buy things for our bathroom tomorrow. We'll hopefully find baby blue showrr curtains & rugs & all that. Elízabeth & I also want to tumblr-fy our room! I'm not sure what that means, but she already has ideas of what she wants the room to look like. I just want to hang up band posters all over the walls, maybe have some scented candles & lights hanging down from the ceiling & walls. It'll look nice, I think.

Also, I don't understand why I should have periods. I don't plan on having kids, ever, because I'd be a terrible mother & I'd probably kill all my children. So if I could just rip my uterus out, that'd be great. Thanks. They're basically pointless to me & I don't really need them. No, I don't think many women need them. They're annoying & there's only ONE upside to actually having them. No one likes them & they shouldn't exist, but they do. Sigh. I feel really bad for Amber because she called me, crying, complaining about cramps & I wasn't really sure what to say because I don't experience cramps. Poor girl. I spent like 5 minutes going, "Uh... yeah... I'M SO SORRY... eat some chocolate? Oh, chocolate doesn't help? I DON'T KNOW, UH."

Petition to end periods all over the world?

If only it worked that way. :C

Oooh, I'm not sure if I wrote about this, but we went to court again to settle the eviction thing with the landlord. So, my mom wanted to check if she could advance the court date & the Secretary there told us that the case was closed because my mom signed the papers needed to close the case. "Uh, I never signed any papers?" And the Secretary was like, "Well someone did & they wrote your name, sooooo." My mom had a appeasement about her property, but since she collected her property, the landlord had forged her signature on the paper & that closed the case. My mom said it wasn't fair, & all we could do was ask to get our $200 refund for the appeasement. We could also start a nee case, but that gets into some more technical shit that I'm not too aware of. But yeah. Case closed & it's not fucking fair. THAT WASN'T OUR SIGNATURE. IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?

I also read through my last post & oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'm just so fucking childish & immature & ugh. I embarrassed myself. I embarrass myself so much & these last few posts are just... ugh. I'm so sorry for overreacting, self. I really wish I could stop overreacting because within less than an hour, I'm over any issue. I'll go back & wonder, "Why was I ever mad in the first place?" I still hate my mom though. I never overreact about that because I really do genuinely want her out of my life. But I overreact over everything else, most of the time. 98%. Just earlier today, my mom was complaining to me about my weight & how I'm overweight but I never stop eating. And I'm sorry, mom. So, later on, she says she's making sandwiches & she asks me, "Do you want one or two?" Uh... excuse me? Weren't you JUST complaining to me about my weight? Yet, here you are, trying to get me to eat more. It offended me... because she only offered ME two instead of one, like everyone else. Jesus christ. I'm trying to lose weight because SHE keeps nagging me about it & it's making me feel worse about my body. Only asking me if I want to eat more is making me worse because I'm truly starting to feel like I'm overeating & I'm kinda tempted by the idea of fasting. I mean, it works, & I'm too lazy to exercise, so why the fuck not try it? I'm going to try & push the idea aside because I know it's not healthy. But maybe I'll try it sometime if it gets to THAT point. I don't think I'll ever reach that low point in time.

OH YEAH. I cut myself today. It was completely unintentional, but I was unpacking some things & organizing them when I felt some kind of sting. It was on my wrist, but there was nothing there that was like a cut, so I just shrugged it off & kept unpacking. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I saw a drop of blood fall on the ground that I actually noticed that I really did cut myself with something. I cleaned up the cut & it STINGS LIKE FUCKING HELL. It's a small cut, but it's pretty damn noticeable if someone actually took the time to look at my wrist. Do these kind of cuts actually last? I know that some self-harm cuts last for a long time, & I see them all the time on wrists, but this wasn't self-harm. It's on my wrist though, & I kinda don't want it there. I don't think anyone will actually notice that it's there, unless they stared at it, but still. I don't even need to touch it because any soft, gentle touch & OW. I mean, the slightest touch of my pillow touching my wrist makes the cut buuuuuuurn like crazy. Right now, it's still red & there's a little bit of dried up blood. I kinda like the look of it, though. Is that weird? It just looks very.. eh, nice there. At first I thought it was a paper cut until the bleeding started, that's what I noticed how big (or small, I guess) of a cut it was. I wonder how I got it? I don't think I was cleaning out papers or anything; I honestly don't remember what I was unpacking. Maybe it really was papers, I don't remember.

Anyway, I guess I'll just play some more Crossy Road before attempting to go back to sleep because those stupid friggin' lights outside aren't letting me get any sleep. It's 11:15PM & I need sleeeeeep. G'night!




Ad: