LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-04-12 00:32:03 (UTC)

Death Of A Friend

April 12, 2015 Sunday 12:32 AM


I don't know what to say. After my last entry, I received a message from a friend of a friend of mine. That friend is imjust_here07 (that's her diary username) and I have mentioned her several times because the two of us had realized that we were incredibly similar. I quite liked her. Oh, man.

The friend (actually, her best friend) told me that she didn't have good news. I wanted to know but she didn't reply for awhile so I looked it up myself on facebook, which I very rarely check. She's dead. Worse, she's been dead for two months and I didn't know. I don't know how long I've been crying. I don't know if I even deserve to cry.

I hate myself right now. How did I not know she was dead? She stopped posting to her diary but I thought that was because she wanted her life to be more private. And we both knew that I am very bad at reliably messaging people so we only talked every couple months. I'm shaking right now and I'm so tired but I can't sleep and I don't want to try because then I think about her more and I cry more and....

I don't know how I feel right now. I am shocked. I am crying. No, I'm sobbing. I can't breathe. I'm convulsing. I'm confused. I hate myself. It doesn't seem real at all. I looked up how she died, and oh god, it was a car accident. The articles said she was thrown out of the vehicle and I couldn't... I can't. I'm so. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to be a real person.

It's not like we were best friends. I mean, c'mon, it took me two months to find out she wasn't even alive anymore. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I think I almost just puked.

Even though we weren't super close, we talked on the phone and messaged each other. We talked about the moon and nature and art and books (she liked bukowski, she's the reason I even read a book by him) and Mr. Sandwich. She really would've liked him.

She was so amazing, I can't put it into words. I don't believe this. Is this a nightmare? it would make sense. This is just like my nightmares anyway. I find out someone is dead. I cry throughout the rest of the dream. I cry when I wake up. I keep crying because it feels real. Yes. That's it.

She was beautiful and so, so, so wonderful. God, even that doesn't cut it. Nothing will ever be enough to convey to anyone how good she was. She was a gift to this world. So many times, she made me feel better. Just the thought of her inspired me to be happy.

Every day, I look at trees and nature and the clouds and I think of her because she really paid attention to that kind of daily beauty and I wanted to learn from that kind of optimism.

I think of her a lot, actually. I didn't realize it until now and I wish I had a chance to tell her but I am two months late and ready to collapse.


Please, please, please make this stop.

I cried in my room for awhile and then came out. My parents asked me what was wrong and I told them she died and I had no idea and even those words don't sound real.

It all seemed so fucking wrong. I'm so mad. I have pictures of her hand and face on my phone. She sent me photos of her with dogs.

My mom rubbed my back, my dad got me water (he offered wine, I said no) but it didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I was actually there. This is probably one of those five stages, right? Fuck. Fuck. No. No. No Non o noonoo

Okay. I'm done for tonight because my whole body hurts

As horrible as this sounds, I want to stop thinking about her

I feel so numb to the words "Elise is dead." It's repeating in my head??? And I feel so dramatic right now but I mean, cut me some slack because this is something really heavy that I've never dealt with before. I miss her. No, I don't. I want to miss her but it doesn't even feel like she's gone yet.

I hate myself, though.

I mean, just today, I sent her a tumblr message saying I missed her and couldn't wait to talk to her again and then???

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

The following is an entry I wrote for her nine months ago, it was called Everything Nice.


"The Dead Waltz" by Radical Face

August 3, 2014 Sunday 2:00 AM

I'm in a really great mood. I feel very, very happy. That's wonderful. Mostly thanks to (I STILL DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR HER, I'll use her diary name) imjust_here07 (did i get that right?...) because SHE IS SUCH A GREAT PERSON.

I really wish (so much that it almost hurts) that I knew her in real life because we're alike in an extreme way... and... and... and.... she's awesome.... I CAN'T REALLY EXPRESS WITH WORDS HOW MUCH I LIKE HER.

I like this feeling. It's the feeling I have for my friends. It's pleasant but in a slightly more violent way.

SHE'S SO HUMAN. Obviously. BUT I MEAN YOU CAN NEVER REALLY GRASP HOW HUMAN (homo sapiens is a cool name for us, doncha think?) A PERSON IS UNTIL YOU KNOW THEM.

THEN WHEN YOU START HEARING THEIR THOUGHTS, THEY JUST GET BIGGER INSIDE YOU. LIKE THOSE SHRUNKEN SOCKS THAT YOU PUT IN WATER AND THEY EXPAND TO NORMAL SOCK SIZE.

ONLY THE SHRUNKEN SOCK IS YOUR IDEA OF A PERSON AND THE REAL SOCK IS THE PERSON GROWING INSIDE YOU LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME FLOWER. IF IT KILLED YOU, IT WOULDN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE DEATH.


One day, I'm going to right a really fucking great love letter and whoever it's for will cry and the rest of the population will cry, too, just because they'll wish someone loved them that much.

I believe I will do that. Wow, my hands are shaking from the excitement.

Okay, I'll go now because what is my mind even doing right now? Things are beautiful again. Why do I ever stop communicating with people? Why?
-----

Once again, current day:

PS: Can you mourn someone you never actually were in the physical presence of? Please say yes, please tell me that feeling this horrible and afraid and sad is normal.

At some point, I'm going to forget her without ever having hugged her or heard her voice in person. Without ever having seen her facial expressions change or her body move or any fucking thing oh my god.

I hope I'm not being dramatic. Sorry. I'm just, I'm very shocked and confused and sad. Mostly the first two because it doesn't feel like she is gone. I don't know if it'll ever feel like she's gone. And if it never feels like she's gone...

Alright. Alright. I really have to stop. I'll make an entry tomorrow. I'll try not to think about her, as disrespectful as that feels. I just want to sleep. Escape. Okay. Hey, Elise. I'm really not religious so I don't think you're out there listening or whatever, but I now kind of understand why people like to think that. You were amazing. You changed the way I thought about the world and also, your hair was beautiful and you were a greek goddess.


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