theolor

MyDarknessLives
2015-04-08 23:59:33 (UTC)

Nobody

Weeks have gone by and my best friend has been playing the same thing over and over again for hours on end, hardly talks to me, doesn't ever want to play anything outside that game. I would ask, hey you want to play something? When you get off work you want to play with me? hey you want to play _____ with me? the answer was always 1 or 2 words, NO or Maybe (which in his case means no). Alot of times now he would ignore my texts asking but he would respond if I said something else.

I guess I am so messed up because of that need for a close/best friend, I always considered him a brother and my best friend for eternity even when we were younger and he and other people who I considered friends would gang up and insult me and bully me. It would cause us to stop being friends for a while before I WOULD COME BACK BEGGING TO BE HIS FRIEND AGAIN! This happened many times and I think it led to my BPD! He was a great friend when he wanted to be and usually now he was but...

I guess psychologically I got the idea in my head that everyone else in our friend circle was bad and would force us apart again (And I am not talking about a gay relationship or anything of that nature) so I began pushing everyone away from me and from him, I don't know how I did it but there were times I was able to manipulate him into believing the others were bad and they would fight and not be friends for a while or at least become distant friends. This worked most often then not but now there is no person to push away anymore.

I told him that he was my only friend and THAT I HAD NO ONE ELSE and that I tried to explain to him many times but he just brushed it off and also that I PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY FOR YOU AND I CANNOT TAKE THAT BACK. I guess in the end it was my fault for trying to be a good friend and for needing a true brother-like friend. I have nobody for a friend because of this and I want him to be my friend. Without knowing I was having mental problems ALL OF THIS OCCURRED and I cannot take any of it back I cannot have any friends back. He was my only friend and there was no one else in the way I just don't understand anymore.




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