thisismeL

My Life In Surreal Colors
2015-04-08 04:12:20 (UTC)

Midnight Musings

Because if I don't get this off my chest I think I might implode.

My best friend is probably the most amazing person I know. I love her to death. She is my soul mate. Yet sometimes I don't understand how we are friends.

She now has 2 beautiful children, my nephews, and I love them dearly.
She is engaged to the love of her life.

I have no children and 99% of the time that's fine by me.
I have no fiance. Or boyfriend. Or fuck buddy. Or anybody.

I feel like I can't relate to most of the things shes going through.

I don't know what it's like to get no sleep because you had to feed the baby every hour or so and then wake up with an obnoxious 3 year old.
I only know what it's like to get no sleep because you are terrified of the nightmares and then have to wake up and try and adult.
I don't know whats it's like to fall asleep next to the man those children call daddy only to have to wake up and deal with them on my own while he's at work.
I only know what it's like to fall asleep alone only to wake up the same way.
I don't know what it's like to have guys stare at me with lust despite the ring on my left finger.
I only know what it feels like to get ignored because my best friend is fucking gorgeous and refuses to see it.
I don't know what it's like to have my own house to take care of and not have to follow anyones rules.
I only know what it's like to live with other people and do the things I am told to do.

Sometimes I envy her. She has that happy ending I've always wanted. And I know she would tell me it's not all that happy but it's happier than what I have: two religious, bigot grandparents who won't listen to a word I say because I didn't praise Jesus while saying it, being terrified to attempt to talk to guys not only because of rejection but also because if they ask me out they would have to pick me up from this house to see that I have no car, no job, no money, nothing.

I want to start school but have been purposely putting it off because I don't want to be the 22 year old whose grandparents drop her off at college because she has nothing. And I have no money to take the bus.

I feel like all of my closest friends have gotten so far in their lives while I'm still stuck.

And this is slowly killing me...




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