2015-04-06 21:53:20 (UTC)

Slow It Down

"Slow It Down" by The Lumineers

I feel her filth in my bones
Wash off my hands 'til it’s gone
The walls they’re closing in
With velvet curtains
And when she stood, she stood tall
She’ll make a fool of you all
Don’t ask for cigarettes
She ain’t got nothin' left for you

April 6, 2015 Monday 9:56 PM

I wish he was mine so I could write about him the way I want to.


Crushes are annoying as hell. I haven't seen him in like five days and still, he's on my mind 80% of the time. The weirdest things remind me of him. Which I guess makes sense, he's strange, but I like that a lot. Obviously.

It doesn't feel right talking about people unless... I don't know, unless I know that our level of attraction to one another is the same. Which I don't think is the case in this situation. And that is alright. Still. I wish I had someone I could write about, no restraints, just freedom.

I had an appointment with Pat today, first time since early February. She was a bit worried because I mentioned my suicidal thoughts and was all, "You don't mention those kinds of thoughts regularly." To which I said, no I don't because they haven't been a regular thing since I tried to kill myself, and she said that that is what she had figured.

She suggested I go back on Wellbutrin. I, myself, had been thinking about that. I guess she's right but I'm so reluctant to be on medication again.

I also talked about my worries. Y'know, worrying about people and how hard-headed they are. How they try and bully people into being nice. How they are so caught up in "activism" that all they're doing is perpetuating the very kinds of behavior they wanted to eradicate. We are all so angry.

I'm ready to scream and smile and kiss and, I don't know, peel off all my skin until I''m dripping with blood and muscle and permanent grins. God, that's awful. I must be feeling a tad crazy and sad, because that's when I get those images.

Crown of Fuck You's. That is an image for another time, although I'm sure it's not hard to imagine.

God, I want to kiss you.

After my appointment with Pat, I felt a lot better (ranting about my future, my past, my present, everything, everything, everything I wish I could say to you, but maybe I'm just making you more than you can ever be and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that's happening right now. i have too much time on my hands, oops). I got home and took out my dog, April, for a walk (YES, IT'S HER MONTH, SHE'S SIX YEARS OLD NOW!!!).

I brought her to the overgrown cemetery (one of the three cemeteries near my house) and let her romp around. It was really dark so I had to use my flashlight and focus on my breathing so my paranoia didn't convince me that leaves crunching = slenderman.

I walked diagonally through the cemetery, all the way to the back fence which has a break in it leading to the separate cemetery behind it (old town, more dead than alive, ya feel?). So we hung out there. I could hear the bugs and the air smelled a certain way that makes me want to take off all my clothes and go skinny dipping and get high. Especially get high. Only with the right people though.

Yeah, anyway, all in all, the day was pretty satisfying. I skipped track because I didn't have a ride and walking kills my shins. I'll go in the morning. Speaking of which, I have to go to sleep, ughhh. I just want to stay up late talking about nothing and watching cartoons. Fuuuuck.

Lonely as hell, but hey, at least I'm not that sad.

PS: I ALWAYS forget to mention this stuff but for the record, I'm horny as fuck this week and I do not know why. Exercise and my hormones, not a good mix.

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