All that is
i had lunch with Adam today. It was like it wasn't really happening. I couldn't believe we were sat at the same table across fro each other.. It sounds absurd especially since I have a boyfriend. But I can't help it. I've had a crush/obsession with him from the night I met him about three years ago. He's so fucking beautiful. As soon as he came up to the second floor to collect me, my heart rose to my mouth. I couldn't concentrate especially as I wasn't expecting him. He came and stood by my desk, crisp white shirt, retro glasses and navy blue over jacket, everyone in the office wondering who he was and just WHY OH WHY he knew me. It was exciting. I know it's bad but I'd fuck him in a heartbeat. Even tho I have a bf. And I know he feels it too. It makes me sad that we'll never quite get the chance to see each other naked. Or even kiss. FUCKKKK just the thought of it.
So after lunch I spent the afternoon feeling giddy And terribly horny. The kind of hormones you feel after a first date with someone you've built anticipation with.
I don't know what his indicates for my relationship with c. Sometimes I feel like I'm in love with c but other times I wonder. I wonder whether if my ability to lust so intensely after another guy means otherwise. Don't heh say that when in love ur incapable of finding another person attractive for at least the first year and a half honey moon period. But c and I have only been together for 6 months and already the 'spark', that feeling that drove me to him in the first instance, feels elusive at times. I feel like I'm noticing some fundamental differences. Differences that he hasn't yet noticed cos I'm ahead of him in the infatuation timeline. But they do also say that u won't always fancy ur other half and ur relationship goes thru fluctuations. Watching Adam eat his burger today for example, was like foreplay for me. He brought his face down to the bun took his first bite and pulled away. As he did this a hairline trail of split clung and stretched between the bun and his lips. He didn't realise. Typically that's something that would gross me out but from him him it sent a feeling between my legs. It was both erotic and childlike at he same time. I looked on, relishing the sight. I wanted to reach out and touch him. It was both enjoyable and frustrating. I needed to fuck him and I couldn't. So that's what temptation feels like. We talked about his daughters and my bf. He was curious about lots of stuff. I had a burger in my mouth half the time tho so found it hard to maintain an engaging convo AND keep up my understated seduction.
Boy I'm prone to inappropriate infatuations. Speaking of, our new manger b is one. He's not even that good looking - I mean he is, but in comparison to other people I've been with... But there's just something g about him. His height (he's super tall) his smile (kinda childish, playful and genuine) and something else I can't put my finger on... Anyways I can't help but feel attracted to him and I can't stop fantasising about him going down on me. Don't know why that particular sexual act is what i think about when I think of him. I'm leaving tomorrow and it's my last day. There'll be drinks in the evening and I'm looking forward to them mostly because I get to have a drink with him... And see where it leads. I feel terrible for thinking these things but really I don't. Do I feel the same way when I look at c? I used to wish he'd go down on me, but now I don't anymore. I don't think it would turn me on. Now instead the thought of another guy going down on me seems to turn me on even more and incessantly.
Fuck so much sex oozing out. I'm obviously sexually frustrated (despite having regular lays with c, last one on Sunday to be exact) I don't know. It's become repetitive. He always moves at the sMe pace (super fast) even tho I ask him to slow down at the start, he never spends much time where it counts (the c) and is kinda selfish In bed. Selfish used to turn me on when we first met but now I need that connection. I need to know that he WANTS to spend time down there with his hands or whatever without feeling like he's getting bored. Otherwise it's distracting for me and makes it hard for me to get turned on. What turns me on is emotional connection during sex.. I don't know whether he gives me that.