Story of a Girl
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2015-03-30 20:43:00 (UTC)

Spring break day 1-ish

A happy late 18th birthday to Jazzminia! Her birthday was on Saturday & Jackson threw this huge party for her... which I couldn't go to because my MOM didn't want me being social, even though she wants me to go out & talk to people? The party seemed to be a huge success, since I'm seeing so many photos on instagram & facebook. They had piñatas full of condoms & candy, a mechanical bull, a bonfire... Seemed great. It seems like just yesterday, I was talking to Jazzy about becoming an adult. And now she's finally of age! I wasn't able to get her a birthday gift since I'm broke, but maybe I'll buy her a box of fancy chocolate or whatever. She's kinda upset that I wasn't able to celebrate her birthday with her. This was waaaaayy back in May of last year. Elías & Alex were graduating, I would be going into my sophomore year, & Jazzy would be going into her final year of high school. We were having this one talk about her 18th birthday, & she got super upset because we would all be going our seperate ways. So we kinda promised her that we'd be there for her birthday party. We'd go to a super fucking fancy dinner at Olive Garden, then we'd go out to the arcade or Adventure Dome, whichever we agreed on. But yeah, she turned 18 & none of us were there for that. Alex moved to *I think* South Carolina for some university thing, Elías is off in Portugal & I'm just not allowed to leave the house. So yep. She's kinda really pissed at us & I don't blame her.

Stephen's also super pissed at me. He had a varsity game yesterday & he asked if I could go out to watch & support the team. I totally would've gone out to support him & the team if my mom actually let me leave the house. Like, I'm not even allowed to step onto the porch. I feel really bad though because he's been asking me to go to the games ever since baseball season started & I've had to say no every single time he asked. This game was kind of a big deal to the team & I KNEW how much it would've meant to him if I went out buuuuuut my mom. I even asked him, "Why doesn't your girlfriend go support you guys?" & he totally flipped the fuck out on me... I'm just gonna assume that things aren't going very well between them. I probably shouldn't have asked him that, eh?

Oh, & Elías fucked up his hand again. Skyler sent me a photo of them in an ambulance. Elías was on the stretcher & both of them were making stupid faces in the selfie... Of course. Only they would do something like that. Apparently, he jumped off the balcony AGAIN but this time, his landing wasn't as accurate as he thought it would be. His leg is fractured (I think that's what the word translates to from Portuguese, I'll have to check) & he has this huge cut running down from the palm of his hand to his wrist. He also had this huge gash on his forehead. Normally I'd be really upset with him for being so... "stupid" but I'm already used to someone telling me he's on his way to the hospital. When he lived here, we'd basically visit the hospital every three weeks. The people would be, "Did he jump out a window again?" "YEP." They kinda already knew us... which I don't think is a good thing. I seriously wish he'd stop being so reckless. One day, it's going to kill him & Johnny is going to be there to say, "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO." I'm glad he's okay, though. I mean, he's using crutches now & his injuries are all bandaged, but hey, at least he's not dead. Yet. If I were speaking to myself out loud instead of typing this, Johnny would probably show up out of nowhere & whisper "7 days" before sneaking out. There was this one time, I think it was 2013 October... No, it was November of 2013. So we were at a Halloween party & SOMEONE got super drunk. Elías fucking jumped off the balcony of the house because he had to prove who could make it in the pool without dying. I'm pretty sure he was challenging Zach & Daniel... Anyway, Daniel & Elías didn't make it in & they broke their right arms. Ambulance showed up, all that jizz. AND THEN JOHNNY... oh my god. Johnny showed up at the hospital & said "16 days." And whaddya know? 16 days later, they're jumping out of the windows "because why not?" Johnny is psychic, I swear to the lord of the cheeses. Lately, he's lost his touch & he kinda just gave up on predicting anything. He used to give me a countdown until the next time I'd actually do my work but yeah, he lost his touch.

So like two weeks ago, I accidentally dropped a drawer on my foot. Both my feet were right underneath it when it fell... My toes were all bruised & the knuckles on my hands were bruised, too. Thing is, I've been waking up with weird bruises on my body since then. Like, right now I have two really weird bruises on my left arm & I've secretly been enjoying poking at them. They hurt when I poke them, but I kinda like the feeling. One of them is starting to fade away & it doesn't hurt as much, but the other one... Holy hell. I also have three bruises on my leg, but they're all a light purple & it kinda hurts to stretch. The bruises on my toes are all brown though... Is that supposed to be bad? And I kinda cut my knuckles & IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH OH MY GOD. My calves are also on fire because of the marching I did on Friday. It hurts so much to stretch, to even walk! It's like band camp all over again, except this time I can actually lay down to rest instead of running all the drills again & I'm not expected to drop 10 for messing up.

Now that I'm talking about my bruises, I'm starting to feel incredibly uncomfortable with my body. I'm just noticing that my thighs don't look as big when I'm wearing shorts.. My thighs could kill a person. Or two. Or five. All at once. If my calves were my thighs. OHH, I'd be so happy with my body. Actually, once I'm done writing this, I'm gonna do some research on exercises that could help me lose thigh fat. I know that you can't really target fat in one specific place, but I can try. My thighs are my #1 enemy right now; if I could lose all my unwanted thigh fat, I'd solve 80% of all my body insecurities. I guess this means I should probably stop drinking the soda I just opened. I've been trying to restrict myself from eating too much; I'm trying to eat only one or two meals a day, & eating less than what I normally consume but it's been kind of hard to do because I can't resist temptations. I haven't been throwing up as much either, which is kinda what I WANT to do to get rid of the food. I dunno. I don't really have much patience for eating healthy & waiting a month to lose two pounds. My mom was supposed to sign us up for the gym like last week but that never happened. I think I'll just try to do some workouts at home. I don't really have the space for it, though. But I'm going to attempt to workout because I'm so tired of hating my body. I'm all talk but no action. And since I'm on spring break, I have this entire week to do something about it, even if I only end up losing just one pound. I kinda wish my parents would back me up on this. I try to avoid eating breads & other unhealthy stuff.. then my dad shows up with 500 donuts, 8000 churros & 20 boxes full of soda. The most that I have is water & green tea, which is supposed to help boost my metabolism. I've spent like the last half hour just going online, looking for workouts that might help me burn some thigh fat. I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED, MAN... but now it's nighttime & I think I'll just start my workouts tomorrow instead. I also drank like 4 juice boxes, a bottle of apple juice, ate a bag of hot cheetos, a banana split that my mom brought for me, 6 sausages & 3 eggs. Yeah. I'm so fucking healthy. Hashtag, team healthy. My dad might bring home carne asada fries later... I'M RADIATING HEALTHINESS.

Speaking of my dad, he's been dating this chick for a while & I really don't like her right now. They've been having ups & downs for a while & it's kinda starting to piss me off. He often tells my mom how he's "completely done with that whore" & how he's moved on, but as soon as she texts or calls him, he gladly answers within a split second. C'mon dad, you know better than that! It also bothers me that she's a cheater. I think I wrote about my uncle at one point, but he was dating this woman who ended up pregnant & stuff. Yeah, well, my dad's girlfriend is also pregnant... So, she has a husband & 2 daughters. Except she's cheating on her husband with my dad... & she's cheating on my dad with like 3 other men. AND HE'S COMPLETELY AWARE. What the hell? Maybe it's because I'm like my mother, but I'd be PISSED as hell. His girlfriend ended up getting pregnant, but it's not my dad's child, & it's not her husband's, so she says. Well then... My mother also did some research on her & she has 12 different facebook accounts, each with different names. Even my dad doesn't know her real name! I could understand if my dad wanted a quick fling & all, but he's getting so upset & drunk over her. His facebook feed was full of sad songs dedicated to "la cabrona" as he calls her. He could do so much better, really. But I guess that's none of my business, right?

So, Justin gave me this super cool idea about two weeks ago, I think I might've written something about it in a previous entry. I normally write all my entries on my phone, since my laptop hasn't been fixed yet, & it probably never will. I write daily, but there are things that I sometimes don't post. I'm going to go through all the entries that I've written--posted or not-- & I'm going to organize them so that they're in chronological order. This way, I can start working on my & Justin's project as soon as I get a new computer! (whenever that happens) I'm super, super pumped! I also need to start collecting the things I need for this project of ours. This project will take months for us to complete because we're lazy as fuck & we'll have to balance out our school work with extracurricular activities & such, but if we put the effort in now, it'll pay off because it'll be A LOT easier to get things done. At first it was just going to be a solo project, & it still kind of is, but Justin's agreed to help me out with PARTS of the project. I mean, there's not much he can do to actually help, except for taking notes on what happens on a daily basis... but I can pretty much do that myself. I've seen other people do this on YouTube, so I think I'll do it myself. I'm going to do this for myself, & if people support me, then hell yeah, cool. This whole project will be just for fun & I think I'll learn knew things about myself.

I went to the park yesterday with my mom, the kids, & Briana's friend, the one I call Wendy because she looks like my old second grade friend, Wendy. Her actual name is Sandra, I think. Anyway, as we were walking through the park, I hear a bunch of spanish music play. And then out of nowhere, Briana yells in my ear, "IS THAT MATT?" I felt horrified inside, & I ran for cover behind one of the trees nearby. And then I saw who she was talking about... Holy shit, the guy could've been Matt's twin brother! Thing was, the guy had shorter hair & I'm pretty sure he was taller than him. But for the rest of the time spent at the park, I could feel the dude's eyes on me. Maybe I was just really paranoid? Most likely. Oh, & my shoes fell off twice while I was on the swings. I couldn't help but feel like everyone was staring at my feet.

Right after we arrived from the park, my mom told me that as soon as spring break is over, she was going to investigate whatever's going on between me & the boy across the street. I don't think she knows how fucking terrified I am of her doing that. I don't need her meddling with anything in my life! I don't want her getting involved, I don't even want her in my life. "You don't tell me anything, so I'm going to talk with his parents whether you like it or not." NO. I don't tell her anything because she makes me feel 10 times worse than I already do. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. The last time I ever came up to her for help-- I told her I didn't want to be alive & she just encouraged me to do so. She pulled out a fucking razor & everything. That was in the very beginning of this year. Does she seriously expect me to come to her about my problems after that? If she gets involved, she's going to ruin everything & make things even worse. I don't feel comfortable around the kid, that's all. I feel so uncomfortable living in this house, but that's it. It's not any of her business. Besides, it's not like his parents are going to do anything. He's failing a bunch of his classes but his parents still bought him a car & a new phone. He even said his mother can't stand him, & his parents don't do anything when the school calls. Talking to them won't make any fucking difference. How the hell am I supposed to make her not talk to them?


I'm so fucking terrified. My hands were shaking badly & gripping stuff wasn't helping me much. Now, just thinking about her knocking on their door scares the crap out of me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do anymore. I'd really like to run away at this point so I wouldn't have to deal with him confronting me about it.

It's 9:44PM & I'm accompanying my mom to court tomorrow. The landlord isn't returning any calls, which means he's not letting us get our things out of the house.. I kinda don't want my things to be thrown onto the street where cars will run them over, y'know? I don't see why she needs me going with her, probably to give a really shitty interpretation, but whatever. I'd just like for her to realize that I'm not a professional interpreter & my actual law interpretation course ended before we could even start... Yep. I'm just gonna cross my fingers & hope I can give a decent interpretation.

I'm also gonna hopefully start the workouts tomorrow & hope they don't kill my legs. I also found this really cool portable speaker & I'm LOVING it! I have my phone connected to it & I love the quality of the sound. My dad's not showing up with the carne asada fries but I guess the speaker compensates.

I also realized that I shouldn't be so upset about my first world problems. Other people have it worse & things could be a lot worse for me. I don't live a hard life, I should put my big girl pants on & deal with it. Because fuck my feelings, I should be grateful for not having such a bad life.

I got Briana addicted to Sims. FUCK YEAH. It was unintentional but she's been downloading Sims on all of her devices... She's yet to see the things she can do on the desktop versions, haha.

Briana: What kind of flooring should I put?

Me: Hm, what color wallpaper do you have?

Briana: Oh, I haven't decided, I barely have enough simoleons to build my house.

Me: Okay well, I usually have a dark colored carpet for the halls & rooms, but I use tiled flooring for kitchens & bathrooms.

Briana: Kay kay, thanks.

Songs of the week are Blacklisted Me - Save Me From Myself, Three Days Grace - Never Too Late, & Radiohead - Street Spirit (Fade Out) I couldn't decide which one I've listened to the most, so I'll just list these top three.

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