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More Depression, Yay
March 29, 2015 Sun 9:13 PM
These past few days/weeks/however long it's been have been so weird. Sometimes, I find myself thinking about how I'd kill myself. I think, how much does it hurt to slit your wrists in a bathtub? I think, is that a more horrifying sight than an overdose death? I think, which death is the most painless for both me and my family? I wonder if I can fake an accident? How would I do that, fall off the waterfall into the gorge? That would work. A guy did that over the summer and broke his neck. Only, as far as I know, it was an actual mistake.
That always passes, though. I guess it depends on how you look at it because I can see it as
1) Those thoughts will always come back so maybe they're right
2) Those thoughts will always go away so maybe I'll survive.
I'm really not doing very well. Exercise helped for a few days but even though I've been doing it consistently, I'm quite depressed again and even more anxious. I hate talking to people because I immediately overthink everything and end up feeling horribly guilty for whatever I think I said. The worst part is, no matter how irrational it is, I can't stop believing the things I think.
I'm a horrible person.
They were whispering about me.
I was accidentally rude.
It's not them, it's me.
And so on. AND I HAVE NO IDEA IF ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE, IT'S SO FRUSTRATING AND IT MAKES ME CRY.
Changes in behavior include random shouting and crying, plus unpredictable bursts of energy. No kidding. I got mad about pizza the other day. Fucking pizza. I never have these mood swings when I'm okay, even if I'm on period (I mostly don't mind my periods because I feel normal, other than the whole bleeding-from-vagina thing).
I just hate myself when I'm like this and I start to forget that I was ever different. I hate how touchy I am, and my insecurities are 10000x more obvious. I get very petty and angry and sarcastic and it's just not good. Someone slap me. Someone beat me to a bloody pulp. Someone just make me hurt until I feel better. And not the emotional kind of pain, I get enough of that. Fucking cut me up. I don't even care. I'm at THAT point.
Oh my god, I'm crazy, haha.
Also full of guilt. So much guilt. For so many things.
Sorry to the people I haven't talked to in a long time. I wouldn't be fun to converse with anyway. I'm depressed, so all I can think about is how much I'd rather be nowhere and how you must be sooo disappointed in me. Depression is so fucking boring. I can't shake myself out of it or anything, too. That makes me angry.
Nothing I do makes it better. No. Apparently, I have to ride it out. IF I can even do that. I haven't been medication free for this long since before the whole hospital fiasco, which is when I started meds in the first place. It almost makes me want my 300 mg of Wellbutrin back.
That was such a good fit for me. I had energy again and I lost weight. I can't actually remember a lot, though, so maybe I'm just thinking it was better than it actually was.
Okay, well, I better get back to what I was doing (desperately trying to repair myself whilst going about my public life as if nothing at all is wrong).
I think I've been busy. I'd rather not try to recall.
I went to a school play over the weekend. It was alright. Best part was that I got to see Aaron. Really miss her. She was sad. Laney told me later it was boyfriend troubles. Not sure if I was supposed to know that. I hope she feels better. I know we haven't been close in a long time.
I actually want a boyfriend for the first time in awhile. Nothing serious, just someone to touch.
Also, was thinking about sexuality and I think that even if I developed a crush on a girl, I'd still consider myself straight. I just kind of know. Maybe I can crush on a girl's personality and looks, but there's something about boys that just ???
Okay. Bye. Fer realz.
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