Jack's Twisted Kingdom
Girlfriend Zone, Friend Zone, the tall tales of Zones.
"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for. If it is worth experiencing, it is worth putting aside time for."
I've always said "friendzones are for people without the balls to accept the fact that sometimes, girls just don't like you that way, man the fuck up, women aren't sex dispensers". And I honestly believe that. Sometimes, the girl you really like, just doesn't see you that way. And they don't, because you've already put them into the "girlfriend zone", you've said to yourself, "I wanna date that fine looking woman".
However, I think I did exactly that. I'm the first to admit, sometimes I'm a hypocrite and I really try hard not to be. In this case I didn't realize how much of one I had been. I really liked this girl, have for ages, but I'm a coward and she's not interested. I asked her out, she said she might like that and pretty much haven't spoken to her since. I don't even know if I missed I cue which was "yes, I want to" or if it was a passing "thanks for asking but I don't think so". I don't know why I feel this way either. I'm usually such a forward, blunt kind of guy, and with her, I'm this bundle of knots and anxiousness. I really wanted and still do want her to like me, but I'm terrified of rejection, by her, not so much anyone else, I get rejected all the time, it doesn't bother me. But with her, it's different, and I suspect it's because, I think of her as being, perfect, even if she isn't, she seems perfect to me. Smart, funny, classy, sassy, with a smile that could down a rampaging bull in a china shop. I think of myself as a bull, well, I am a taurus after all. I guess I thought I could somehow win her over, and so, I put her into the girlfriend zone. And she had long ago put me into the friend zone, and that in itself is wrong. On my part, I would apologize for it, but I'm so embarrassed, and I feel like a total idiot.
I have that rare ability to fall for people I've never met in person and only spoken to online and feel exactly the same way when I do meet them, I'm a romantic, maybe I'm too much of an idealist, but I think you can know a person no matter how they pretend to be online with persona's and such. After awhile, you can tell whats real and whats not. I've only ever fallen for someone I'd never met online 4 times, 2 out of 4 of them reciprocated, one didn't, and I've always been sad about that, and I never met the 4th, at this point, I undoubtedly never will. It's a bit crushing really. My ego is anyways, quite bruised by my foolishness. But I still feel strongly, I could look into those eyes for ages without speaking, or I could spend ages speaking to her, reading her poetry, arguing with her, talking with her. Anyways, I'm now trying to get over this, it's really hard, I don't want to, but, it is what it is. And it's not what I want it or wish it were.
I really can't help myself. I really like this girl. I'm just not her type. It's terrible, I feel like every time she mentions liking something that I too, like, or have done, or want to try, it sounds like I'm bragging or, boasting, and I'm really not. I have done a lot, I've been a lot of places, seen and done a lot of things, both good and bad, somewhere in the middle. But it's just not enough. she's intense, and I like intense, I crave intense, sshe has presence, she's intelligent, she's adventurous, she is divine radiance. everything I want, and a few things I never knew I wanted. in my attempts to get closer, I got too close, I flew too close to her burning sun and my wings melted. I will eventually disappear, one day, I'll vanish from her life entirely, beauty like hers, never fades, she's the package, the dream, and I am but the dreamer.
She is, utterly, heart achingly worth thrusting my soul upon the bulwark, skewering my heart across time. But, I think I should slake my thirst on the ashes of my desire, for thats all my dreams of her are made of. illusions and the promise of never. So, there it is. I don't know what to say. I feel a little crushed, were I a flower, I should be wilting in the wind. and I wish I were braver. and less foolish. one can only prey for sunlight.