lilv13t402

Memories
2015-03-26 15:42:20 (UTC)

3/26/2015 - Hope Has No Limits

Dear Diary,
I want to try something new in accordance to this diary. Sometimes, I feel like diaries or texting... Doesn't have it's tone and people can read it however they want. Well here's the parts that I recorded.

Part 1: https://www.speakpipe.com/voice-recorder/msg/iqtnp0vnki46xpvd
Part 2: https://www.speakpipe.com/voice-recorder/msg/096k9spr9ro5d314
Part 3: https://www.speakpipe.com/voice-recorder/msg/yn93bgp16pocqfip
----
It's crazy how even right now I feel suffocated as I'm being dropped down a roller coaster endlessly - feeling sick to the stomach and flying at the same time.

I don't know what is it with guys. In the beginning when they try to win you over, do they all say the same shenanigans? Like waking up early and calling me before work/school, texting me to see if I'm awake, telling me they were thinking about me before and after their sleep, stuff about me they can't get off of their minds?, making me smile like a fool...

I reread every single text from the eons to the present from my Oppa. We once did all of those things, except I probably woke him up the most. The pursuing is real when you want to see the other person all the time. When you want to hear their voice all the time. When you want to know how their day went by every night. When you want to spend every waking hour in their presence. That was me - I chased and I got pushed away.

----
Dmitry asked how I got to know Deborah. I told him through my ex when they went to school together. We got to know each other even more when she went through a break up with her ex - she came up to me for help.

And I told him, her ex and my ex broke up with us because they wanted to focus on themselves and their family. They feel like they aren't ready to be in a mature relationship, "no time I guess". And that it sucks to be in such a long-term relationship and to hear the other party give up.

And he said: "Yes, I agree. I was in the same boat as him too (completely focused on my career - although it brought good results.). But now I realized that my career is not the only important thing in my life. I want someone to share that with. Someone to share my sorrows and joys in life."

And you know what? Dmitry finally let me see that a guy just needs time to bloom on his own.

I want to continue waiting for my oppa. I know he'll see my light I'm shining down for him.

----
I talked to Henry as well. He looks out for me whether good or bad.. I told him, Dmitry is someone I can look forward to getting to know, but my heart is still with someone else. I do want to continue getting to know Dima. He makes me see that I have a light and path... a path to reach the person I want to see on the other side of the wall. Like the Great Wall of China, no matter how big or how long, there is always a way through. And I'm ready to face that road, even if I have to walk it alone just to see Oppa achieve the things he wants to do before he can see me.

Henry and I also talked about how Dmitry kept asking me if I traveled. And I said, I love traveling. I have a lot of aspiration to see the world. Learn and cope with the world in it's happiness and it's terror.

But when I remember the words my Oppa said - he never intends to travel anywhere.

It made me sad inside, and I told Henry - I feel like Hung is stuck.

And Henry said, "That's weird, because I used to be like Hung. Until my breakup, it made me say fuck it, I'm going to do all of those things I thought I didn't want to do. And I became unstuck. I had more aspiration to do more things in my life."

And we both said - with time, just giving Oppa some time, he will bloom beautifully.

----
Dmitry's (aka Dima) phonecall this morning at 8:30AM- he asked why I wake up so early if I have work later in the day.

Me: I was waiting for someone's phone call. (Which is mean of me to lead Dima on, even so I'm not going to say anything.)

(In my head, I knew why I woke up at 7AM, because Oppa wakes up at around that time. It's a routine. I get to see him hard at work, changing into sweats to take his sibling to school. And then I would wait, turn on the radio and listen to the same station he would listen to. Sometimes, Hung would retell me the story on the radio that I already just listened to, and I don't mind because that meant he wanted to talk to me. Even to this point in our relationship, I still wake up at 7 so that I can be awake at the same time as Oppa. I want to be awake when he is, feel tired as he is, feel cold as he is, feel everything that he is feeling.)

Dima kept telling me he really likes hearing my voice.. it made me smile because Oppa also said that. Even during our skype phone call last night, Dima said he had expected differently from the pictures but he said I'm beautiful.

----
And you know what else? Even though I've only known Dima for less than two days of my life, just through texting... he told me that he feels that I'm a kind-hearted and frank person.

And I told him - "Thank you for seeing that in me. I feel better to hear that from someone who barely knows me."

Because in my head - "I wish Oppa saw that. I'm frank - open, straight-forward, honest with Oppa... Him calling me that ugly name - hurts my feelings so much. The person who has seen me metamorphasize over the last 5 years.. decided not to see me in any good ways."

----
Gods above - did you let Oppa have a good dream last night? Did you let him sleep well? I hope he had a lot of good dreams, but if there were bad ones, Gods above, let me feel his insecurities. I don't want him to be afraid alone.

----
And I asked Dima a question that Joseph had once told me.. "What do you look for in a girl you want to be with?"

Him: I'm looking for a kind, hardworking, honest, faithful, and cute girl. But these are just words. In reality, I just need to feel that she is a person with whom I would spend my life. What do you think about men?

Me: In a guy, I look for faithfulness, honesty, passion, his dedication to us, humor, compassion, down-to-earth, huggable,... a leader, honorable, respectful, sincere. And you're right. They are just words. It's hard to find someone with all of the qualities you want.. I think another good word is where both parties can compromise with one another.

And I thought, "what did I do to compromise with my Oppa? The only thing I can compromise now, is allow Oppa time to breathe, relax, and think on his own accord. Even so, I'll still miss him, wait for him, and care for him silently."

----
Today's songs:
Never Fall In Love Again - Colby 'O Donnis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtyQSTPf2QU

Oppa's favorite song he wanted me to sing for him once.
Romance In The Rain - Qing Shen Shen Yu Meng Meng
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5QfIYu0Y3k

There's deep meaning in the translation:
http://www.jpopasia.com/lyrics/33545/vicki-zhao/qing-shen-shen-yu-meng-meng.html

I like the last paragraph
"Deep Love, Misty Rain,
Heavens without limits, Earth without poverty,
Buildings will eventually fall, Love has it's own ending,
Long to make it past spring, summer, and autumn, winter,
Hoping and Hoping without limit,
Where on the earth is the resting place."

All of the bad things in the world is nothing. Everything will fall apart - waiting for the seasons to pass in loneliness - Hope has no limits but I'll keep hoping, 'til death do us part.

Love,
Babe

PS - I need to stop texting Dmitry. He just told me - "You're different. You're special to me."
My heart is exploding. I'm conflicted. I need to breathe, breathe, breathe.

Because Hung said the same thing once.




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