lilv13t402

Memories
2015-03-26 03:07:45 (UTC)

3/26/2015 - Oppa's Desktop Sticky Note - Janie's Sorry

To Hungy-oppa -- My Rambling Thoughts

To you, loving me is a burden, hard, & complicated. It hurts at times. It feels good sometimes. Sometimes you love me at my worst, but most definitely you must love me for my best.

To me, I love you on different matters too. I can't say I don't love you because of your flaws, but I love you because you treat me right, you do things for me no other guys would, I imagine. I believe you care for me like no other guys can. And you shouldn't say I love you more than you love me. I love you the same way and same amount you give me. There is really no extra amount of love I can give to you or lend to you. Love levels or no levels, I love you the same amount you love me. Regardless of whether how much hurt I feel, I still love you the same way. It's about compassion, the unaffordable effort, the things we do, those positives... makes us compatible people for one another.

A lot happened last night. Things I regret happening. To let you know, I'm probably still crying and feel that you've disengaged from our relationship. I tell you once more, I never meant for last night to happen. All I wanted was a simple dinner and movie with just us. I would relive to take back the things we had to do last night and make it better. But I can't. I can only keep that promise to you. I don't make big promises and I don't recall you have either. But that is my promise to you. If you don't take it, it'll only hurt us because you stopped trying.

I took a look at the videos you watched last night. But I have some things to point out. Throughout the video, Josh pointed out, there are hope in some situations. The box scene & the car scene. It won't happen if one person stops trying. I'm not stopping, and I don't want you to either. Just like Henry's puzzle analogy. Not many couples fit a norm or they're oddballs. They don't seem to fit the norm. But what is the norm? What is a normal relationship? If puzzle pieces are man-made, so can our relationship. We create the relationship, not the norm nor the people around us. To you, hurting me and making me cry hurts you even more. Because you're left with a big decision that you don't want to happen. Don't let what my mom/dad tells me get to you. The monk tells me our relationship won't last, I want to make it work. But it takes two of us to make it work. You can't let my one expression of hurt get to you. I know you're not strong at heart because you're scared, but that is,you not giving me your all. You hold back too much. Don't be scared alone. I'll be scared with you. We're both understanding people.. And we make stupid mistakes. The fact that you took my hand, the fact that you held me in your sleep... You need me, but you're scared of starting your day with me waking up feeling hurt. You're scared of that. So what? Take my hand. I am your support too. Don't think because I'm hurt that I can't be strong for you to hold you back up. I'd do it all over again, and my love still won't change or waiver.

Close your eyes for a second. Imagine our first of everything. First walk together. First time holding hands. First kiss. Those things are first, but they're definitely not the last if you'd stop thinking that way. In the WongFu movie, the question was, "we only have two options now. Break up or get married". It isn't incorrect, but it isn't suppose to be something to hinder us because we should have a third option, fourth and fifth and sixth.
Being together. Isn't that enough? I don't have to marry you. <-But it's not stopping me from being with you unless you stop holding my hand. You don't have to be ready for the long-term. Even I'm not ready. You have so many things to worry about right now, things you need to prepare your life on. But it doesn't mean you can't keep me by your side to see you take those big steps. Vice versa. Don't love me on a meter stick either. Don't make me do things to feed the meter. I do things at my will,and on my own time.you do things at your will that I don't like but I still admit to the fact. Your mom needs you, but things will get better soon for you - sleeping schedule, workout schedule, eating schedule, us schedule, etc. I want to chase the big dreams together supportingly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stop chasing my dreams. But I'm confused what I want to do just as you are. But you're special to me that, I can chase the reality with you, so don't stop just there~ Don't let go of my hand because we have more to do together.

You call me your wifey. Your potential person you'd want to settle down with. Then see me that way. Give me your all like John Legend. Don't hold back.. Don't make me be someone you date and think all the time that you might leave me because I hurt. We hurt together, but we should make "us" work together.

Take a breather. Deep breaths. 1 breath, 2 breath, 3 breath. Remember this therapy? Take a look around you. The teacup we share. The bag of goodies that make us fat but want to buy more things to stuff it up - together. The balloons you wanted to surprise me with. The chocolate box in your closet that i can't finish. Not that I don't want to, but I want them to last. We shared those chocolates together, that's what count. The mouse you're holding. You gave that to me so i can play League better. The bed we share. Our smells, skin cells, hair follicles, sweat and tears are embedded in the sheets. The face wash, face towels. Look at them. We share those things. The belt I chose for you. The clothes that make you look nice and goodlookin'. The things you wanted to share with me because you like how I react to your goodlooking-ness. The deodorant you use now. The hairspray we picked out together. The clothes that we wash together. I still get butterflies when I see our clothes together in the washer/dryer. The clothes I hang up in your closet. It feels right, but I still get shy to hang more of my things up. The tea box of different tea that we'd drink on cold nights or literally when we had a cold. The letters I wrote to you... They're not meaningless. In fact, they should be framed. They're not objects for our own amusements. They're letters of reminders for the both of us why we stick together. Why we even started a journey together. The lights hanging above your bed, still to this day in my heart symbolizes someone waiting for me to come home. Look in the right corner of your TV. All of those empty bottles... Most of them we tried together. Our first wine bottle. But definitely not our last drop. In the corner by the mirror, your skin application creams... I always say, the girl who loves you the most will do that for you. Same as you did for me. Because it's weird and it's awkward, but we know each other that it isn't at all awkward. It's just part of making the other person feel healthier/better. Look at that Cockatoo's receipt and tell me that chicken and rice cake was worth it. It was damn delicious. And I had that memory to share with you. The benchset you loved to make love to me on. The red ropes on your gray leather chair you used to tie me up. The sweet sweet smell of us that flaunts this room. The earrings that you bought for me over the years... I still keep them safe. The two beer bottles from my birthday.. A memoriable night of love, friendship, singing, and cross-fazed fatties eating fries and drinking water that tasted hella damn good. Now look at those piggy banks on your closet shelf. I still put a dollar in each week. That is our future money we are saving together. I'm at $85, where are you at? Look at the boxers we went to go pick out together. Haha, don't say I didn't tell you so, you Large sized meanie. I'm happy that you like Stewie and the ones I bought you for Valentine's.

You think about it... There are more than just those small memories and inanimate objects that made us both happy. WIthout those things, there wouldn't be an us. We made those things happen - together. Those are the positives, many more than we can count combined. Many more than you could ever hurt me or I to you. Then you ask me, how could I take away my love because of all those positives? I don't because the accumulation, the positives - remain the same denominator with us on top to create many more numbers of memories. Our sundae list is still incomplete. We still have Harry Potter to watch. We still have the Airbender to watch. We will have a lot of things to accomplish - together.


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Now look at those things again - when I'm not there anymore. I'm not going away for good. I know what I want is your love and to love you. I'm letting you decide and think in your own bubble now. I await our reconnection whole-heartedly.




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