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2015-03-25 20:18:12 (UTC)

I'm Embarrassingly Insecure

"Title and Registration" by Death Cab For Cutie

March 25, 2015 Wednesday 8:20 PM

I don't know how I feel today. Not quite better, but I dunno, it's the morning thoughts that keep me together. "You have to do this for your future, that for your future, this for your health, and just think! Tonight you'll get to sleep again!"

It's all empty bull shit but I guess it's better than the truth. The truth, or whatever I think is the truth, wouldn't get me out of bed.

Being around people makes me feel bad. Most days, I'm too quiet and I can't hold conversations. If I do, I'm kind of depressing. I'm insanely insecure, ahhaa. It's really awful. For example, I was talking to Adrian briefly today and he was saying interesting things. I barely said anything, though, because all I can think about is... Well, it's not stuff I can talk about with Adrian, or anyone I guess. Anyway, I felt like he was getting bored. This is a frequent issue of mine. It's the reason I stop talking to people actually. I hate feeling like I'm losing the interest of people I've already become to attached to (one real conversation and trust me, I'm attached to you).

I feel fine, though!!! I mean, half of me wants to die but it's okay!!! I'm halfway through the week and I'll make it.



School was an ancient, half underground church castle thing. I think a lot of the dream architecture was based of the hundreds of fucking churches we have where I live. On my way to school, I literally see at least three churches. I live like five blocks from school. The churches are actually across the street from each other, haha, although I don't think all of them are still functioning.

Anyway!!! So I was at school, and I had no idea how I got there, but of course, I didn't give a fuck because it's a dream and you're pretending it's real life, saying, "I have to be on time to track practice."

At least that's what it's like for me. I changed into my clothes and went up some stairs for track. Only, instead of running, we all sat down with maybe fifty other Fellow High School Students on these stone bleachers built into the side of a hill. This one kid was there. His locker is by Laney's so I see him almost every day. He's very pretty, with perfect blonde hair. Olivia used to have a crush on him.

Anyway, for some reason, in my dream, I was actually charming??? (Weird occurrence because personality wise, I am usually myself in dreams and.... I'm not charming, haha. I'm really awkward actually)

So he asked me to prom and I ignored what he said and continued conversing with him because apparently, that's true etiquette. I didn't want to accept because Olivia was sitting a couple rows back and I thought that I should ask her permission first or something.

  Afterwards, Polaris was like, "You really hurt his feelings." And I explained why I didn't say yes and then I tried WALKING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM BUT THE CASTLE HAD BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THESE FREAKISHLY TALL, ROTTEN TREE-LIKE CREATURES.

I remember almost walking by one on my way into the room, but then I thought, "Wait. I'm supposed to be afraid." I had been trying to go after Polaris, who didn't appear to be scared at all, but my realization kinda made me forget everything else. So I got slightly terrified and ran away screaming along with everyone else.

As I was running away, I saw Adrian and his mom standing near their van. I ran past them and down a street (now that I think of it, the street looked just like a painting of a sand road in my mom's country that we have hanging in our house) before realizing I had nowhere to go. The scary part was, I knew there was no world past the place that I stopped running. My imagination ended there. The road didn't have a destination unless I continued going down it. That was fucking horrifying, more so than those weird castle creatures.

I went back and saw a bunch of girls hanging Adrian shirts. He was trying them on. The last one I saw was pink. I remember being weirded out, but I didn't say anything, just walked around aimlessly, trying to get over the fact that I was completely fucking alone and no one was real.

Annnd then I woke up. Sigh.