Nikki

StilliStand
2015-03-23 13:32:44 (UTC)

Rekindling A Old Flame

SOOOO,
I have a ex boyfriend named L. Him and I were together from age 17 to about 20. He played a MAJOR part in my life. We had our ups and downs, more downs than ups because of me I will add, he was amazing to my daughter, he was just overall a amazing person, I fucked it up. Not only did I fuck our relationship up but I fucked HIM up. Heartbreak and betrayal always makes a person turn cold.

I cheated, a lot during his and I relationship; and with his friends. I was young, I had a child already but still had partial freedom to go out and enjoy life, I was into ecstasy at the time and drinking, I was living the single life, but in a relationship. L wanted to settle down, save up to move in together, be a adoptive father to my daughter, wanted to have movie nights and date nights and restaurants; that sort of thing. I didn't want that, I wanted to party, go to clubs, get high, be the center of attention. That's what caused our relationship to sour. To make things worse, when I would cheat and lie to him; he forgave me, every time. That gave me this sense of power.. I can do whatever i want and he's gonna take me back, so why stop? and not stop is exactly what I did. I was horrible! looking back now all I can do is shake my head. What he didn't understand was, I wasn't looking to be a stay at home wife and mom. I wanted to be a mom, and have fun. Him and I could have had fun together! We could have gone out and done all the things I wanted as a couple but that wasn't his thing. He didn't like to be out all times of night and morning, didn't like being around people he didn't know or too many people; it was so opposite from me. Granted, he's a Pisces and I'm a Aries, water and fire signs. He was sweet, considerate, a amazing listener, he didn't judge, he was faithful, he was loyal, he wasn't a liar, he was respectable to me and my daughter -he was really all around amazing. Straight from a fucking Lifetime movie. He knew what I liked and didn't like, he always brought me flowers and said the nicest things, he loved me at my most flawed moments.. IT JUST WASN'T FOR ME RIGHT THEN AND THERE. So how things would normally plan out between him and I.. I would drop my daughter off with the sitter on Thursday and go out that night; I would tell L some type of lie about having homework to do and then falling asleep instead of calling him when really I would be in someones party, drunk or high off E. Friday, I would again go out using the same excuse to L about falling asleep. Saturday he would somehow find out I was out, usually by someone slipping up and telling him they saw me, or prowling through social media pictures. Then I would pick my daughter up go to his house, argue with him and be forgiven, go to the zoo, the mall, the movies, to eat as a family and continue the cycle. It got to a point he KNEW I was lying and cheating on him but he didn't want to lose me so he said nothing. I got pregnant, TWICE by someone else while with L and after a miscarriage and a abortion, he took me back and forgave me. He caught me hanging with one of his close friends and I went home with L that night regardless of what he just witnessed. I would leave a guys house after ignoring L all day, then call L and go to his house drunk as hell and just sleep. I would tell him "don't say anything to me about anything or ill leave" --and he wouldn't. At that point, power controlled me. He gave me too much power and I abused it. I took advantage of him.

What ended our relationship was I met my current boyfriend, started going out with him more which ended me up in the circle of friends who knew L. Me and my current boyfriend were kissing and hugged up when L's best friend who I knew, walked up and saw us. He told L of course and L told me, "him or me"... I choose my current boyfriend who I had known for only a couple months over L who I was with for 3 years. That didn't end it with L though, regardless of my decision he wanted me, he wanted to win me back, forgive me for it all, and start fresh as we had done HUNDREDS of times before because my fuck ups. But, I choose not to go back with L.

In time we stayed in touch, things got sour when I got pregnant.. L was hurt as fuck. It was hard to stay in touch with him because I was living with my boyfriend so conversations with L were usually while I was at work or not at home. I would block his number for weeks and then unblock it when I wanted to talk as if nothing happened. Again, he accepted it. He didn't know my boyfriend and I were living together, but he knew I was pregnant! A month before my daughters 5th birthday; I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant, me and L met up and went party shopping for my daughter. I was pregnant as hell and there he was being his usual gentlemen and STILL being the father figure to my daughter even though he hadn't seen her nor was he invited to the party he was planning for. I would have gone back to L so many times if me and my boyfriend didn't live together, also L held a grudge. He would seldom bring up what happened with him and I in the past and it would turn me away from him. I knew I fucked up, I knew he was hurt, but I didn't want to talk about it over and over again. Selfish again, yes. I got a call one day from L from jail, I immediately called a bondsmen and paid his bond for him to get out. I've sent him money before, and still talk to his mom time to time. It seems that with us not being together, we're better for each other. My loyalty is with him because no matter what I did or how many times I did it; he never left my side. We would go months without talking and I would pick up the phone he he would be right there.

So recently him and I have been talking more. On the phone and text everyday and every night. Of course he wants to get back together, is willing to accept and love two MORE children that aren't his; as his own, and make me his for good he says. So, me and L made plans for tomorrow. I[m gonna slip away from work for a couple hours and he's gonna meet me at a restaurant and we're gonna just TALK. Talk and see each other for the first time in over a year. We send pictures of course but that's different. I'm nervous as hell. I love him to death but I know I can't give him what he wants, again.. not right now. I'm still in a situation with my boyfriend that L doesn't know about and if me and L are gonna do anything we're gonna do it right. I'm not gonna be a cheater and liar, I'm not 17 anymore. SO before me and L even THINK about taking a step, I have to walk backwards with my boyfriend and end it. A little couple hour meeting with L won't hurt, will it ? :) haha I just wanna be around someone that loves me, listens to me, understands me, LUSTS for me. I wanna be around good vibes and a good caring person. It's been so long since I've felt actually wanted or needed. It'll be good, I'm excited.




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