"My Blue Heaven" by Taking Back Sunday (this song never gets old)
And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime
But it's you I can't deny.
March 17, 2015 Tuesday 7:46 PM
Do songs feel like seasons to other people? Because when I hear this song, I think of car rides with the windows down, a sun near the horizon, warm nights, with friends, with boys, with smiles (with the promise of alcohol, the smell of weed). I don't have a lot of days like those, but they're so good. Sitting around the campfire does something to me: it draws me away from everything else, makes me think of the universe as a whole and I feel small, crushed, and somehow content with this. Other times, I become so large to myself, and so normal and free. I think about boys, toast marshmallows, and I can feel the recklessness in me. But it's not the usual recklessness that is always fighting me, it's not the kind of abandon in which I want to do something, anything, to damage this body that I'm trapped in. It's the kind you feel when you're so happy you want to scream and touch and forget. It's weird. Anyway, yeah, I don't know how I get all this from a song but I do. I can feel the sadness in this song, too, which kind of kills me in a nice way. The same feeling you get when you really love someone. It almost hurts.
I'm very happy today. Or, more accurately, right now. These past four days have been crazy, oh my god. I've decided that I'm definitely depressed. If I felt normal, I wouldn't be sleeping for an outrageous amount of time, and I would probably care if my parents yelled at me. The thing is, though, I've been so numb to everything and I just didn't care that I was getting in trouble. My parents could tell. They're worried about me. They have no reason to be. I'll be fine, I think.
It gets really bad sometimes. Like last night, even though I had a great day, in the end, I was overthinking every single second and I was actually considering killing myself. In all seriousness, I was even beginning to plan how it would all go but I thought of the reactions of everyone I love. It broke my heart and I had to stop thinking about it. Good.
I think about killing myself a lot, these days. How strange. I can't even come up with a logical reason for me to be dead. I have a thousand reasons to be alive, but none of that outweighs the part of me that really, really just wants peace or whatever the fuck death is. Silence? Or is it not even that? I'd prefer to think that death is so void, there is no word to describe it's emptiness.
Some people find comfort in thinking there is an afterlife. I'm the opposite. If there were an afterlife, I'd have a mind. If I had a mind, I would be torturing myself for eternity. That's not why I don't believe, though. I just can't comprehend religion or anything that isn't based of logic. Like ghosts. How the fuck would ghosts exist???
THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!1 I joined the track team and I practiced for the first time today. I FELT SO GOOD. I absolutely hate exercise. Or I thought I did, but today was insanely fun!!! I love running. God. I thought I hated running for no reason. I liked soccer because I really enjoyed chasing the fuckiNG BALL and getting it away from the other team, hell YES. Track isn't like that but I guess, if I were to have a metaphorical ball in my head, it would probably be, "RUN. RUN. RUN BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT. PROVE ME WRONG."
I like to prove myself wrong. It's satisfying.
AHhhhhhhhh. I'm pretty happy and tired and concerned. Concerned because this will all go away soon.
I also noticed something. My levels of depression and anxiety aren't always proportionate to each other. I thought before that if I had higher anxiety, I'd become more depressed but I noticed that I had very low anxiety and I was so sad. I think it varies. That makes sense, but I guess I always assumed the two went hand in hand. Maybe I just have chronic depression along with GAD. I don't actually mind. Not right now.
I could feel the anxiety mounting yesterday, though!!! Oh my god, it was so weird. I couldn't really feel it all day, but I recognized the thoughts. The, "Did that girl just whisper about me?" paranoia and the, "Oh my god, I forgot to wave, he hates me now, he HATES ME"
A lot of stupid bullshit that I try to repress, hahahaha. It exploded when I was trying to sleep :P Like I said, I had thoughts of killing myself. Anxiety tends to turn every moment into an embarrassment.
Polaris told me today that Alexis told her that I have a "blog" (AKA this diary) where I change everyone's names. I was a bit confused. I don't know how Alexis knows that, but I don't really care so much. I write while constantly paranoid that someone is going to read this piece of shit, so it's not very surprising.
Polaris said, "Yeah, Alexis said it was about school." and now I am just ????? confused. I guess I talk a lot about school. Huh.
She also asked the name I use for her on here and I told her I named her after the North Star (Polaris, duh). The truth is, it also rhymes with her name and Polaris was the name of the building I stayed in while hospitalized. That has nothing to do with anything, I just can't forget.
By the way: if you're close to me, please don't read this. It's weird. I'll end up constantly wondering what you know.
Yeah, Olivia just told me to say that. I kind of rolled my eyes when she sent me the e-mail saying that, but she's kind of right. Still, it's not the end of the world. Anyway, if you're close to me, don't do the thing you are doing right now, as you are reading these words. Ya. Don't read my diary. Don't tell people I have a diary. Y'know. The usual. Pretend it never existed. Also, neVER tell me what you know. NEVER. I'll die.
I don't want to make this private, I don't want to be any more alone, and I don't want to switch my e-mail for this because that would be very, very complicated for many reasons. I kinda wish Olivia hadn't rained on my parade. Maybe if she hadn't been so patronizing :( Whatever, goodnight.
(My absolutE pet peeve is when people are condescending and patronizing, which Olivia is. It's very annoying. How do you even become condescending??)