Story of a Girl
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Still don't like myself
Maybe it really is just a teenage phase, I don't know, but I've been feeling down these past few days. The hatred I have for myself just keeps growing every day & I don't think it's ever going to stop.
My mom picked me up again & I was in an okay mood. I failed a test, again, but I was told I could continue to retake until Friday, so that just put me in an okay mood. As soon as I got in the car, my mom kept nagging me about adjusting the seat. I told her it was just fine the way it was & she kept talking. Out of annoyance, she started yelling at me for having a bad attitude. I'm not mad, but she's just annoying me. She thinks she knows me, but she should've known that I don't like things to be repeated. Once is enough, & I didn't want to hear her keep talking about the seat. I told her once, nicely, & the second time came out as if I were angry. I only said it in that tone because she didn't get it the first time. "Go yell at the person that upset you, not me. Jesus christ, I don't know where you get that ugly trait from." I GET IT FROM HER.
I'm basically the teenage version of my mother. I have her hair, I have her skin, I have her body, I have her personality... I AM her. My personality is made of negative traits, all of which I get from her. I can't help but the ugly person that I am.
And I hate myself for it. So, so much.
I don't want to be like her. I try so hard to be a better person, for MYSELF, but I can't change. It's all engraved & there's nothing I can do. I hate myself for being like her & I hate her for being who she is. I didn't choose her to be mother & I didn't choose to be born. It's not my fault, is it?
My parents are talking about me in the kitchen, they're saying I'm crazy. And I am. And I've TOLD them to take me to the doctor, but that's "not necessary." I know something's wrong with me. And I'm NOT mad. I'm not annoyed. I'm not sad. I just... I just don't like myself right now. I want to be left alone & not be disturbed. Having them talk about me is only making it worse for me because they're telling the truth & the truth hurts. They're mainly the reason why I can't ever like myself. It's ALWAYS them telling me I'm not good enough, it's always them telling me I'll never achieve my goals, it's always them getting in the way of whatever happiness I can find. I remember crying one day, & my parents saw me. And they just yelled at me. They ENCOURAGED me to go out & get ran over, so I ran outside, just waiting for a car to drive by. Sometimes I see that same memory replay in my dreams, if I cried before going to sleep. I can picture it vividly in my head, especially if I'm upset. I remember crying for hours until Trey came to my rescue; he was bringing the homework I had left in his car. We sat down to talk by the curb & I felt like I truly had a friend in the world. I felt like... I could actually be friends with people. I could be LIKED by someone. They'd accept me for who I was. And he did. He understood me. And for once, I felt confident. But that only lasted for so long because I'm even worse today than I was four years ago. And I can't do anything to change it because I don't have power. I don't know how to assert & defend myself. I'm a weakling.
Now that I think about it, there was a time that I told my mom that I wanted to kill myself. And you know what? "Go ahead. Grab a knife & go slit your wrists if that's what you want. You've got my full permission." So I went to her bathroom & I picked up all the blades that she had. I knew she cut. I've, very faintly, seen the scars. And I was tempted to, but I couldn't bring myself to intentionally hurt myself. I still kept two of the blades, for whatever reason, & I think I still have them. But the thought of my mom giving me permission to kill myself scares me. No, it doesn't really scare me. It just makes me even more upset that my parents don't want me. And I don't want myself either. The world doesn't need people like me.
If I don't like myself, then how can others possibly like me?
Most kids at my school don't know the real me because I don't behave like I do at home. In public, I try to be a better person. I try to change. And sometimes it works. Sometimes, the real me, from my house, comes out. Sometimes it takes others by surprise because they don't really expect it to come from me. I'm just the shy, "nerdy" girl that never talks in class. But sometimes I do try to be outgoing & social & the real me gets out. I remember telling this one kid to shut up & everyone kinda went, "Holy hell she just told him to shut up." "CALL THE MEDIA, NERDY GIRL JUST SAID SHUT UP." I'm slowly loosening up. I want to be real in public, but I also want to be a better person.
Just yesterday, our friend kept talking so I said, "Oh my god, shut up." All our friends turned to look at me. "Daaaaamn, where did that come from?" "What do you mean? I was just kidding..." I can joke around, too. The real me loves to joke around. But, it's like everyone just thinks that I don't have a life (and I don't, but I don't want them thinking that!) & that I spent all my time studying. It's like I never talk back to my parents or I've never sinned.
Just a few weeks ago, some kids in my class were talking about their parents. This one kid in particular said, "Hey Stephanie, you know that Lamar said he'd never hit his parents? I'd never hit my mom, that's craaaazy. That's fucked up." It made me tense up a bit because I think of hitting my mom all the time. I mean, she hits us, in a way. She throws stuff at us, & sometimes it hurts. I've gotten to a point where I'm not surprised that it's happening, I just shrug it off. Is it really fucked up that I think of hitting her? I'd like to, one day, but I don't think I ever will; I know better. The temptations are incredibly strong, though. I've gotten so many opportunities to do so but I haven't taken any of them yet.
Sometimes I really just want to die. I mean, I'm going to die anyway... but I'd rather die now than wait. I don't have patience. And, I'm just cut out for living in this life. I'm not going to make it very far, so I'm just doing myself a favor. But I can't kill myself; I'm too much of a wuss. Although, if someone were to try to kill me, I wouldn't put up a fight. I really would like to die one day. Soon. The sooner the better. I can't cut, but I've thought about overdosing... Except I can't do that either because I have a hard time taking pills. I just reallyyyy don't like pills. J heard about this "Dying with Pride" law in the states where doctors assist with a suicide. I'm not entirely sure what it's about, but I'm definitely gonna look into it. I'm intrigued.
My parents like to make fun of me because I tend to eat a lot--WHICH THEY CAUSED ME TO DO. And I'm aware of my body & weight... I've never been happy with myself. My self esteem is so fucking low, like... I don't even know how to explain. I occasionally take selfies but only because everyone else does it & I feel like I actually belong to a group. But even then, I don't feel too confident with myself. I've been trying to eat only two meals a day but that stopped. I did feel just a little more confident, though. Some of my jeans started to fit. But as soon as I started eating 3 meals a day, they stopped fitting. I think I'm only going to eat when I'm truly hungry, as in, only once a day. Maybe a few bites of fruit, but that's it. I'll only eat until I KNOW that I have an hour left before dying of starvation. And I'll sleep in that one hour. Maybe I'll die in my sleep. And that'll be okay with me, because I won't feel it. But if I don't die, I'll wake up & not feel hungry... which would still be okay with me because I'll lose the weight. And as long as I'm losing the weight, I don't care. My stomach is starting to hurt but I'm not going to eat until tonight. Nope. I'm going to tell myself that I'm strong, strong enough that I won't eat until I come back from the store.
And now my nose is starting to bleed. It only bleeds when I hit myself hard enough or when I'm beyond stressed.
You know that thing where you're done crying & you have a hard time talking because it feels like you've lost your voice for a sec? Yeah. I hate that so much.
I'm upset now, but in a few days, I'll look back at this & feel stupid for getting upset. Whatever.
I'm in a mood where even music can't cheer me up.