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Story of a Girl
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2015-03-15 18:12:33 (UTC)

First world problem - a dress

First world problems, hah.

I told my mom like two weeks ago that I wanted to change my style a bit. The band festival is this Friday & Saturday, & I asked if she could buy me a dress to wear. I've been wearing slacks & flats for all my band events, & I just wanted to try something new. So she said yes, she'd take me. And that was basically what got me through the weeks that I spent waiting. I've had so many things on my mind, & that dress was basically the only thing I had to distract myself from everything. I kept telling myself, "Today was a shitty day but that's okay because in five days, you'll be able to go try on dresses & look beautiful!"

I asked if we could go yesterday, but no. "We'll go tomorrow." And I was really excited to go dress shopping. I already had a few things in mind & I just wanted to go out & feel pretty in different dresses. My dad took me to the outdoor swapmeet this morning & it was okay. I found some shoes that would go GREAT with the concert black dress, but he said it'd be better if I just waited until noon when my mom would take me to the store. That was okay with me, the store would have better shoes, anyway. And now my mom's telling me we're not going to the store until Wednesday.

But why not?

It's not like she's busy doing anything! She got here at around 11am & she's done nothing ever since. She was busy sitting on the couch, watching television & talking on the phone. So why can't we go to the store? I've been looking forward to this for TWO weeks & she just keeps delaying it. I've kinda lost hope that I'm never gonna get this dress.

I'm upset because she keeps delaying for no reason. That dress-- I want that dress to boost my self-esteem. I don't think she realizes how low my self-esteem is. I feel so confident that this dress will make me feel better about myself & my body. And I just wanted to try on dresses to feel a bit more comfortable in my body. I wanted to go dress shopping TODAY so that I could distract my mind for an hour or two at most. And, how is it that she can ALWAYS make time for all her religious meetings, but she can never make enough time for her KIDS? Just a few weeks ago, she got a call from her "padrino," an invite to go to one of the meetings & she basically dropped everything she was doing just so she could go. It was 7PM & she didn't come home until midnight. All I'm asking is that I look for a dress that I like, which might take an hour or two, & she can't take me? She's not doing anything & she STILL can't make time for us? I'm using this as a chance to distract myself, & seeing how she's stressed about our living situation, she could benefit from this trip to the store as a distraction, but I guess not. I don't have any patience, & I get this from her. I don't want to wait until Wednesday because that's when she'll supposedly take me but I don't believe her. She'll probably just delay again. And if we DO go, she'll wait until the last minute to buy something. She'll rush me, I'll feel pressured & everything will be a mess. It's ALWAYS like this, & that's what I'm trying to avoid but I guess it's going to happen. She was yelling at me just earlier for not doing dishes, either. "And you wanted to go to the store but you haven't even washed the dishes." I didn't bother washing them because she SAID we weren't going. I'm not doing anything for her. because I'm pissed. And, there are THREE other girls capable of washing dishes, so why is it that she always pick on ME to do it? I wash dishes every fucking day, they don't do anything but give me more dishes to clean. I always take the blame for all their shit. But WHATEVER.

She also said we'd be going to the park for a while to get some fresh air but that's not happening either, is it? Because it's 7:06PM & it's "too dark outside." That's not my fault. It's not my fault that she spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing. But oh well.

I guess that now since we're not doing anything, I could study for the tests I need to make up. I can practice my festival music, since we were tested on that & I failed by one fucking point. I needed a 95 to pass & I failed with a 94. I don't know how I'm supposed to pass this test because I mess up EVERY FUCKING TIME in class & the only way I'll pass is if everyone is making noise or after school but I can't take it afterschool. I don't want to be THAT student that has to take 500 retakes. I retook it once but I don't want to retake it again tomorrow & still not pass. That's utter embarrassment... I don't know what to do to perfect it.

And now I've got that stupid test on my mind & I'm having a hard time distracting myself. Way to fucking go, Bianca. I did this to myself.

Maybe I'll just draw. Drawing is always nice.

Maybe I'll listen to some hard rock while drawing & sing along to the lyrics.

OH. Or maybe I'll do homework & listen to the piano covers of Disney songs.

Sigh.

I just need something to distract myself until June. I'll never get these things out of my head & they're leaving me restless.


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