The Loneliest Dream
My dream involved my house. My basement was bigger. This guy I know of, he (for reasons unknown) had to live with us. I was trying to stay away from him. He was rollerskating in my basement. We had a lot of fun together, talking, and I got the urge to kiss him. I really, really want to kiss him. I can't, can't, can't kiss him. For a lot of reasons that I don't care to list, number one being that I Am A Boring Person and I'm also difficult to get to know. I literally lie to people and say I'm sick when really, I'm just depressed and tired of life. That's another one. I'M VERY MENTALLY UNSTABLE, IT'S HORRIBLE. And when people find out you're mentally unstable, they either thing you're attention seeking or that you want to be saved. That they can save you. I can't be saved by a person if that person is not myself, and I don't want saving, I want to be happy and powerful. Those are the basic reasons as the why I don't ever tell anyone I'm depressed. If I do it, I do it very, very cautiously and in a joking type way. I also don't want to be transparent - I feel that I probably look like the type of person who would be depressed. Pensive and whatnot. I DON'T LIKE THAT. If I'm myself, I'm very bubbly and social and stuff. But not when I'm depressed. I'm so pathetic when I'm depressed. Anyway, I can't kiss the boy no matter what. Cannot kiss that boy. Really want to kiss that fucking boy. Nope. Don't do that. Want to. No. Won't happen anyway. Imagine the humiliation. Want to. No! I hate dreaming about this.
I don't even want to, my heart is just being an idiot. Fucking hell.
PS: Walked home today with my headphones in. It's about a twenty minute walk. Halfway home, I realized that my thoughts were SO ANXIOUS AND WORRIED, that I didn't notice I'd been listening to music on mute the whole time. Wow. That's a bit disheartening.
The following is a desperate request that is not expected to yield any responses, but I have low self-esteem and I figure what the hell:
Wanna admit your love to me??? If it exists? Which it probably doesn't, but c'moooon, do ittttt. I don't even care if you're anonymous. Love meeeeeee. Make me feel less shittyyyy. Get my mind of this stupid boy.