LustingforNightmares

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2015-03-13 19:54:26 (UTC)

Rare Drama And Daily Routines


March 13, 2015 Friday 7:54 PM

DAILY HAPPENINGS:

After Trig, walking out of the room with Lily, first floor.

Ceramics with Laney, we playfully argue (that's our thing).

Special Education's Hug Guy used to hug me between second and third period but I avoid him. He's very nice but I have a weird thing with touching. I can do it, but it normally makes me uncomfortable since I doN'T TRUST ANYONE for some reason.

Staring contest with Laney after fourth period as we walk in opposite directions, second floor main hall.

Lily pats me on the head most days on her way to our sixth period class.

We walk to English together (seventh).

After eighth, I go to my locker (second floor) and pack my bags. I grab my coat and walk to my ninth period art class (third floor).

I normally say hello to Tray at this time, sometimes after the final bell rings, sometimes both before and after. I don't know why, really. We're not friends but he is Aaron's boyfriend and I guess ever since she moved, I've been thinking that it really sucks to miss her. At some point, I think I said hello or he said hi or something and yeah it accidentally became a regular thing.

After ninth period, if I don't stay behind and talk with my art teacher and Adrian (we haven't talked much later and I blame Sam and Carter's asshole ways. Too much to explain, I just wish they weren't so mean), I go to Laney's locker. I hang around and talk to her and walk with her as she leaves the school. I walk home.

THAT'S MY SCHOOLDAY.

There's some drama going down in my friend group. We had a fight yesterday??

INVOLVED PARTIES:

Sam
Olivia
Carter
Me

Olivia was mad.

Carter had taken her pencil a couple days before.

It had some kind of sentimental value that personally, I thought was dumb, but that's kind of judgemental of me.

Olivia asked Carter to return her pencil that day.

He said, "At Peer"
She said, "I won't be there today,"
He said, "Then next week."
She said, "No, I want it now"
He said, "It's in my locker"
She said, "Then give it to me later today, go to your locker, i don't care"

He refused or some shit. I sat there awkwardly.

She said, "Never touch my shit again."

He jokingly (although it was inappropriate) touched her papers.

Olivia said to Carter's face that they were not friends.

Carter did not seem to take this shit seriously.

Olivia went to go get food (THIS DRAMA WENT DOWN DURING LUNCH AND IS PROBABLY THE MOST DRAMA IN MY LIFE IN AN ENTIRE YEAR)

Carter and I laughed and joked like normal.

He told me he had her pencil in his bag.

I got serious and said, "Wow okay." and began to read.

I did this because it's one thing to forget someone's pencil accidentally, it's one thing to tease them about it because a pencil is trivial, and it's one thing to touch our things all the time and and take them, "blackmail" us with them (AKA do this and you'll get this back). It's another thing to lie to her face when she's CLEARLY upset. I mean, yes, I agree, it's just a fucking pencil but couldn't he see that she didn't think it was funny? Couldn't he see that she was really serious? Olivia likes things a certain way. That's how she is. Carter doesn't know when to stop. That's how he is.

Anyway, Carter then said, "You know my rule, no reading at the table."
And I looked up and WENT OFF ON HIM.

That was either the proudest moment of my life or... it was just really dumb.
I said,
"No. No, you can't tell me what to do. And I think it was really rude of you to lie to Olivia's face about her pencil. Yes, it's a pencil but obviously she took it really seriously and didn't find any of this remotely funny blah blah blah blah blahhhhhh"

I ranted for awhile and he was smiling.

He said, at some point, "I wanted to teach her a lesson"

I said, "A lesson?? What lesson??? People aren't animals, you can't train them and it's not like she'd have any idea what that lesson was if you didn't tell her, all you did was take her pencil. You can't control people blahh blahh blahh"

When I argue, my arguments are huge. Like, they're deep and sometimes, I may say things that are kind of extreme for the situation like, "You're not god" just because I'm mad and I'm trying to imply they're too controlling.

He said, "I'm smiling because I've never seen you mad before."

Shortly afterwards, Sam walked up and saw I was trying to argue with Carter with that smile as on his stupid face (it's not stupid, I'm channeling emotion, okay??) and then promptly yelled at Carter, ending with, "We're not your friends, no one at this table wants you here, other mean things, blahh"

After that, I said, "Carter, I'm your friend, I'm just kinda mad at you."

He said, "I'm just going to see if the pencil is in my bag and then I'll leave"

THAT'S WHAT CONFUSED ME. Did he not tell me it was in his bag? And then after I ranted at him, he admits he wasn't actually sure??? Oh my god. I'm such an ass, haha. I felt bad, though, because he looked so sad and then he walked away after Olivia sat down again and... It was bad. It was bad.

He's now mad at Olivia for saying they aren't friends? Not mad... Hurt.

???????????

So many questions. hOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS. How do you get rid of a mean person like Sam? What she said was so awful, oh my god.

---

MEANWHILE, I'VE BEEN SUPER DEPRESSED, BEEN THINKING IDLY ABOUT SUICIDE AND BEEN HATIN' ON MYSELF. IT REALLY SUCKS. OKAY.

I'm not going to kill myself. I was just thinking about it. The repercussions and whatnot. I'll be fine. *deep sigh* Eventually.

I wonder if normal people experience this whole more-often-sad-than-happy thing??? Or if it's just me? I should talk to my doctor. I think I need to go back on some medication. Hopefully wellbutrin. It'll help with my energy, depression, and anxiety. God, I hate my brain, hate that it can't function on its own, hate that my will to live is so fucking weak.

Whatever.


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