Wanna Hurt Myself
Kinda want to die really bad. Don't remember what triggered this. Just remember the feeling of shimmery smoke in the area where my lungs should be and around them too. Mostly in my heart. My heart does really stupid things. I say, "no don't do that" and it just goes ahead and does it anyway. Why. Whyyy.
But that's not the point. The point is I left peer leadership feeling really shitty and I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't cry there because there are so many people that I don't trust and whenever I show my sad feelings, I get really guilty.
"Being sad is not cool"
"Wouldn't wanna date a girl with her problems"
That's what I inagine people saying. I mean, that probably wouldnt happen in peer but I can't stop thinking it would.
I'm not being sad to be cool! I'm not trying to find someone who'll fix me!!! I swear, I just want to be okay. I don't want to feel like my heart is about to break anymore. I don't want to feel like dying.
And I've noticed that when I cry, it's never satisfying. It just sits in my chest and hangs from my eyes.
I can cry in short bursts, lasting from a few seconds to maybe a minute and then I stop and stare at the wall and hope the tears will keep coming but they won't and there goes the only way I can deal with things.
All I can think about is wanting to be kicked and punched until I'm all bruises and that fucking sucks. I remember when I cut myself and I wonder if that's even an option. I stopped because it was too obvious and I stopped wanting anyone to help me.
I don't know. I want to fall apart but my body won't let me. I feel really pathetic because I'm compulsively hitting my hips. The feeling of sharp edges kind of comforts me and I also feel like I deserve the pain a bit.
Fuck meeee. I'm going to go get a drink and pass out and hopefully have the strength to get up in the morning.