Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2015-03-08 08:12:16 (UTC)

Baby brother's birthday

Thursday was a very... weird day. Really fucking weird. Well, not exactly. I just don't have the right word to describe it.

I talked to Matt the most on Thursday, which kinda excited me a bit. He walked me to class, & that took me by surprise because I thought he was still pissed at me. And we made fun of our teacher... He waited for me to finish up band sectionals after school. He had sectionals, too, but his were outside & mine were inside. His finished five minutes earlier than mine. Once I was dismissed from sectionals, I went over to my seat where I still had my things; Matt was seated by the lockers, but he walked over to "pack" his things once I was packing mine... So, was he waiting for me? I felt like he was. I was putting stands away & he had brought over two... so I offered to put them all away. As I turned around, he was like RIGHT behind me, stands in both his hands. I kinda released a "Holy crap" & he laughed before walking away to bring the rest of the stands. Then he walked out of the band room; was talking to two other clarinet girls by the door. So I got my stuff & walked out. I said, "Excuse me" before walking between them (since there was really no way to go around), he said bye, I said bye to them all, & that was that. I saw him later that day because we had our pre-festival in our school's theater. We were supposed to watch the visiting bands first, so we were all seated. I THINK he wanted to sit next to me, but my friends kinda beat him to it. And he unpacked his things right by me. As we were leaving the theater, I walked with both my friends by my side, & he just walked behind us. I said something about the night/dark being super cool, & he was like, "Yeah, I love the dark." I wasn't talking to him specifically but I was kinda glad that he said that because I love learning things about people, & he's never really told me anything about himself. And that was probably the longest "conversation" I've ever held with him. I thought we were finally "good." I thought he was completely okay with me, & we could be classmates again... NOOOOPE. Friday, I got the cold shoulder all over again. He talked to my friends in English class... and I sit right beside them, he sits in front of me. He talks to them, but completely ignores my existence? I SEE YOU, MATTHEW. There's no way you can just ignore me because I'm really loud when I talk to Amber! Dude. I seriously thought we were good. If he does like me, then.. I don't want to lead him on. I'm in a happy relationship & him liking me would make things kinda weird. I could overlook it, though. I really just want his friendship... I don't know anymore. I've never wanted a friendship with someone so badly. LIKE, I don't even know WHY I crave for his friendship. I just really want to be friends!

I also found some pictures of Leó & I during our first few months of dating... I wish someone would have told me how to style my hair. I still laugh at his "scene" phase. It's so fucking hilarious to me because he's now this sophisticated, talented, young man who loves wearing dress shirts & sweaters. And that whole 2011 thing he had going on... I wouldn't have recognized him if I didn't already know him! The same could be said for me, kinda. I had the pink hair going on & Valeria tried doing my eyebrows but that was all... ew. I also had that weird way of dressing & I'm glad I really grew out of it. I have a better fashion taste now, I'm pretty sure of it. Those were good times, though. We've had so many ups & downs throughout the year, but they've shaped us into the people we are today. We've definitely grown... Well, he has. I'm still the selfish, quiet girl I was back then.

Oh. Friday was really shitty. Worst Friday of my life so far.. I spent maybe 4 hours in total, crying. 3 hours immediately after school, & one hour at home crying at different times. My dad just made it worse by pissing me off on purpose... What joy does he get by pissing me off? Is this seriously becoming a hobby of his? MY GOD. DON'T get pissed at me because I lash out on you! YOU'RE the one taunting & pushing my buttons, how do you not expect me to get upset & yell back? In fact, I'm not even yelling. I'm raising my voice slightly because you WANT me to speak louder. Speaking louder is exactly what I'm doing & he's treating it as if I was yelling. But yeah. He made my day even shittier than what it was supposed to be. My mom did call to check up on me every once in a while; every time she brought up the subject, I'd just fall into tears again. It sucked so bad because I'd get a headache right after the crying stopped & it just wouldn't go away. I did fall asleep right before my dad arrived, & the sleep helped me feel a bit better. I guess, the majority of my day was spent lying in bed, crying.

Yesterday was okay. My dad didn't pay the internet bill so all four of us were left wifi-less while my dad went to work... We spent the morning on our phones, trying to entertain ourselves. Briana & Lizzy thought about playing on the Wii but then decided not to because it would be boring. But then we all got together & started watching the newest Catfish episodes. Then we watched My Super Sweet 16, the one about Lil Wayne's daughter. Holy shit, her mom is so pretty. And I'd KILL to have a $250,000 budget. My parents can barely afford to throw me a $200 birthday meal... My parents wouldn't even think about buying me a BMW. They'd probably just find a car at the junkyard, add a ribbon to the roof, & then wish me off. AND HER DRESSES. She'd try on $2000 dresses; my mom would take me to shop at Savers for any dress! Not that there's anything wrong with shopping at Savers; I've got favorite pieces of clothing that I found there. It's just... not a place I'd want to shop for birthday dresses.

My mom came to pick us up around 3pm-ish. I had asked her earlier if she could take me to SamAsh to buy new reeds & to my surprise, she said she'd actually take me. Holy shit. I told her I didn't have any money, but I was buying the smallest pack of reeds & I'd pay her back when I had the money. I ended up buying Vandoren, a pack of 3, for $12.99 & my god, they're great. I think I'll buy the pack of 10 once I have $30 to buy them with. I also spent a few minutes trying to learn the sax part of Careless Whisper, GDFR, & this one song called Bailan Rochas y Chetas. I've kinda got the careless whisper sax lick down, but I occasionally play a G instead of an A in the beginning, & I forget to play a C#.

My mom's also been talking shit about my cousins again. Her friend came over--this friend has known us for YEARS--& they're both talking shit about Valeria & Juliet's parents. "Valeria is the oldest one. If you asked her, "How old are you?" she'd reply with, "14!" Little 12 year old, no boobies, FLAT as hell, 14 my ass! These girls couldn't wait to grow up & her mother celebrated with them! Compared to my girl, they're a wreck! And she just turned 16, Bi is 15. But Bianca is such a good student, just look at what she's doing now." Mom... Ever wonder why my dad's side of the family doesn't like you? MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU TALK SHIT. Maybe what you're saying IS right, but the way you say it is so rude. Your parenting isn't any better, either. You have no right to say anything about them. And then being proud of my accomplishments? YOU WANTED ME OUT OF BAND. "Is this really what you want to do?" "Did you sign up for this yourself?" And for my classes; "Are you trying to accomplish something you know you won't?" "Why do you have so much work?" Honors/AP classes, mom. I'm SO sorry that I can't be the one taking care of your children, even though you have 3 OTHER girls who aren't doing anything productive. But now when you have the chance to brag about me being better than my cousins, you decide you're "proud" of me & the things I'm involved in? NAH. It shouldn't have to be that way.

And today has been okay so far. It's my friend Sierra's birthday today. She's been my friend since 7th-8th grade but we go to different schools so we kinda just stopped talking, even though we still have each other added on Facebook. I posted a message on her wall & she commented on it quickly. I'm glad she still remembers me! Oh yeah, it's Gordo's birthday today, too! We're celebrating by buying a small cake for just the few of us, & my mom is also making posole. We WERE supposed to be going up to the mountains today but my mom's husband is leaving for construction work in North Dakota so any plans that we had are cancelled. It's 9:03AM & everyone is still sleeping, except for (obviously) me. I woke up around 5:35AM & then around 8:20-ishAM. I've been awake ever since. I'd like to think that I'm awake because I'm hungry, which I am. But I don't want to eat. I'm trying to eat less & less with my meals. If my parents want me to eat, I'll have a small serving than what I normally eat & I'll eat an entire apple or whatever. And if I'm hungry, I'll eat something to fill me up a bit & fall asleep. When I wake up, the hunger goes away for a while. I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I honestly don't give a shit. I just want to lose weight, healthy or not. If I lose weight in a healthy way, it'll take time, & I don't have the patience. I want to lose weight as soon as possible. I took a test on the internet (ha) & it said I have strong tendencies for bulimia, but I'm not even sure if it's accurate. I don't think I'll ever know if anything is wrong with me because my parents will never take me to the hospital to get checked out. The internet is probably the closest thing to a doctor that I'll ever get. I won't take the online screening too seriously, though. I'll just keep it in the back of my head.

Well, it's 9:10AM now & I still don't have much to do. I can't really go back to sleep & I still don't want to eat... I guess I'll just find something to entertain me on my phone. I don't have much to entertain me, but whatever. I'll just keep updating this if anything interesting happens later; it'll keep me occupied.

--

11:25AM now. I decided I'd try to fall back asleep & I did kinda well. Everyone's awake now & my mom is pissed as hell. Typical sunday, I suppose. I woke up to hear her screaming at the kids... So, Gordo's turning 3. He probably won't remember this day in 5 years, but I guess I'll treat him as a little boy instead of the little annoying baby he is. I'll take plenty of pictures so that he has something to look back at.

8:19PM now. My mom's husband invited his father & his cousin, & my mom invited the friend from last night, except this time she brought her kid with her. They were chatting & all while my siblings & I cleaned our room... WITHOUT BEING ASKED. See, mom? We CAN clean without being asked! I was mainly cleaning because I wanted to distract myself from ugly thoughts. I cleaned up the closet a bit, I did laundry, I'm currently washing my backpack & refilling lead pencils. Today was pretty okay. A better sunday than most days. Gordo even blew out his candles by himself.

I didn't eat much today. In the morning, I ate half a torta (I ate the other half last night) & a small bowl of posole. It's 8:22pm now & this is my second time eating this entire day. I'm really glad that I'm holding back all urges to eat. I'd be happy if I could just stick to eating only two, small meals a day. Except for lunch at school; I kinda need something to do during lunch. I'm also kinda happy to go back to school. Stephen got suspended last Tuesday for riding the custodian's cleaning cart around campus (loooooong, weird story) & he's not allowed until this upcoming Tuesday, the 10th I believe? I kinda missed his company during lunch.

Oh, & Elías is down with the flu & I'm worried sick. I've texted him like 20 different times because he lost his voice too, & even though he tells me he's fine, I can't help but worry. "OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO DIE IF HE DOESN'T STAY HYDRATED BUT HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GIVE HIM WATER? OH MY GOD HE'S HELPLESS." and he's just like, "*cough* I'm okay." "NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU'RE DYING. SOMEONE CALL 911!" It sucks that I can't be there with him. I usually take care of him & do all his chores... Homework, too. His homework is the hardest thing I've ever seen (hahahaha. Dirty jokes are cool sometimes) but I still attempt & sometimes I get some questions right.

It's now 8:49PM, so I guess I'm gonna try to clear my mind & get some sleep around 9:30PM. I'm gonna TRY to do some homework, if I have any. Sigh.


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