Vanilla

Inclined to Hurt.

Maybe I over react?

I dont know.

Maybe i am inclined to over react, over think, over hurt because i have been hurt so much before that this is the only feelings i know. As sad as pain is...there is comfort in pain because it is so familiar.

I cannot tell anyone what happened. But I went on to tell my mother, i told diana, i told ruby and my colluegue. It was stupid i know, it was in shock, in fear , in the inability to make decisions and because i felt way out of my depth with this situation. This is the guy i could have potentially married. This was my first real grown up adult relationship which I knew could lead to marriage, to children, to a future. And now i am here unable to decide if i should let him go..or if this pain is momentary and because we havnt know each other well enough to draw support from each other. That maybe things would be different in the future if i give it a try. Because i let myself fall...i can easily drag myself out...but how do i ever trust anyone again? I thought after M...that i would make better decisions, that Dr M was very unlikely to hurt me because he was so low on the scale of threat but he managed to do it anyway.

Are we as humans inclined to hurt the people that are likely to care for us the most. And to love those that will bring us the most pain?

Isnt it wonderful that it was I who beleived in this, it was I who ran to him, it was I who chased him, it was I who convinced him, it was I who showed him light and now he has proceeded to take my light away and with it he took the faith i had in myself...because I was the one who was so sure of him, of us but i was proven wrong.

I keep forgetting...i keep losing sight of the real issue. He is 13 years older than me. Wtf do i do with that????