The Real Me
My heart is torn
My heart is torn.
I wear a smile on my face to cover this tear. But there is no real forgiveness for the doubt you have placed in my mind.
Yesterday Dr M gave me the keys to his house...he needed to be at the hospital but estate agents were coming to look at his house. I work 15 mins away from his house so i said ok I will go and let them in.
So I went to his house, waiting for the estate agents, who in the end didnt show...meanwhile i was having a look at the letter placed on his table. He told me he bought this house in auction for £500000 it was actually £800000..clearly stated on the letter...a little white lie..which i understood as he was embarassed to admit he spent so much money.
I see boxes on the floor..my heart starts beating...because I know...right now I have to opportunity to find what my gut instincts have been screaming at me about. That there are lies..
I sift through the boxes. Cards.
Christmas cards, birthday cards...ok no problem.
Find a few from a girl called Alex...stating how much she loves him how he is the best boyfriend bla bla...who is Alex?...one card dates 2008.
Another card pops up "happy 31st birthday"...who the fuck is Alex? He said on his 31st birthday he was with Sharon...he said he was with Sharon for a year...the story doesnt add up anymore. And if he was with alex from 2008 till now why didnt he tell me? Was he cheating on Sharon?...or is he cheating on me and sharon was a lie..or he is cheating on this Alex who could be his wife and on me?
My heart is beating...something is massively wrong...i start going through all the boxes...medical books. Fine.
I go to his desk...for some reason I think i need to see his passport. Funnily it falls into my hand...date 1976
...1976....1976!!! He told me he was 32...he is 38 I am 25.
I open his drawer ....my hand catches a hand written letter from a woman...a woman who is begging him to keep her in his life and that she is hurt he wont talk to her.
I open a cupboard...Teddies/gifts...mine is nicely stuffed with the rest of the teddies. Nice.
I call him..."When the fuck were you going to tell me you were 38"
he tells me he is coming over straight away, he is sorry he was going to tell me he will explain.
I sit there...waiting. Because I don't know what im expecitng any more but i am in complete shock. shock that i have been fooled with a lie again. Shocked at how everything has turned around.
he arrives...he explains he lied about his age because he was afraid to lose me, because it came out that he was 32 and he didn't know how to take it back...he is ashamed etc etc. I leave...he asks me to come back after work to explain...he tells me that was the only lie...he will tell me everything. I just leave because I cant even look at him.
I do go back to his after work...because I want the truth because i need it...because i dont quite understand. He explains ....myheart this whole time is on the floor...because my gut tells me there is something else to uncover. I ask to see his phone...he shows me texts...i say let me see whatsapp...he wont let me scroll further as he takes it away. I ask him why? he says oh its nothing...i calmly get it out of him.
SARAH. His ex girlfriend. there are messages from here....note that this took me 30 minutes to see that message from her. She messages him saying she is unhappy in her marriage how she made mistake "I made a mistake moo by not marrying you. I will always and forever love you" He asks her to "call me please :("
he wishes her happy birthday....happy new year etc. he tells her she was the only one...was his soul mate ...
Last message: Feb 27th- from Dr M to Sarah, it is a picture of something...and he tells her " Look what i just saw as i walked past so and so"
He tells me the picture...is of some poet person that they had when they were dating and they both really liked this poet.
He tells me he didnt want to show me because i would blow it out of context. That yes he did love her that was his first love, his first girlfriend and he deeply cares for her but isnt in love with her right now. But it is care and support that he gives her. He pointed out that he never said he loves her back.
My heart at this point is just in pain. Because my mind tells me WRONG WRONG WRONG. LIES. DECEPTION. I sit there with a stupid smile on my face just looking at him shaking my head, because i refuse to cry. The words wont form in my mouth, what do i say? What do i have left to say, i sit here in front of him, in front of someone i allowed myself to fall for completely open and exposed and here i am. Hurt in love.
Completely torn with this new found reality. That he lied to me so easily for 6 months, that he has emotional baggage, I think he may love his ex forever how do i beat that? Except he has no chance of being with her now because she is married with 2 kids.
It isnt fair...none of this is fair. What did i do to deserve this type of pain again? What use is this beauty, this care, this kindness if every single time i feel like someone has just stuffed a dagger into my heart.
I dont know what the fuck to think.
I dont know how the fuck i am here right now.