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2015-03-06 19:18:01 (UTC)

Bullshit: A Novel By Me

"Lives" by Modest Mouse

Well you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive.
No ones gonna play the harp when you die.
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime I might have half the time.
Do you mind?

March 6, 2015 Friday 6:21 PM

I have such a headache and I feel sad and I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.


Okay, this Dude I'm talking to always makes really great conversation. Also, he encourages me to speak spanish even though I'm astonishingly terrible at it, haha xD It's alright, though, because he's a friendly guy and he doesn't make fun of me. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT LUCID DREAMING AND NOW I'M SO EXCITED TO SLEEP!!! I love lucid dreaming. I've done it a couple times and it was super weird. Usually, it happens after I've woken up and gone back to sleep. IT'S SO COOL. Okay.


  Feelin' pretty dumb today. Feelin' pretty shitty today.

Had a dream that someone confessed their love to me. I thought to myself, "This is bullshit but it sure sounds pretty."

Was kissed by a second, different person in my dream. I was like, "You have a girlfriend," and he was like, "I swear I'll break up with her," and I was thinking to myself, "Oh, morals are muted when there are lips inches from yours"

I dreamt about yet another person. He didn't confess his love to me. Pretty sure he didn't even look my way. I looked his way, though. I wonder why I did that? I wonder if it means anything at all? I wonder if I should be apologizing profusely to all three of these people?

Sorry that my brain thought you'd worship me. Sorry that you were unfaithful in my dream. Sorry that you were even there.

Sorry that I didn't want to wake up.

Same dream: my spanish teacher was incredibly nice to me. She let me doodle and she talked to three chatting students, she said, "Why can't you be more like her?"

I was embarrassed and astonished but the best thing about my dreams is that I lose most self-awareness and anxiety fades quickly.

Why are my dreams about water and ruins and classrooms? Who are all the people whose faces are blurred?

After I woke up, I went about my day normally, sluggishly. I was paranoid, though. I kept thinking, "Why did you do that, why'd you do that??? Why did he do that? Why did she do that??? Is it because they hate me? Is it because they know soemthing?" Then, I'd rack my brain, trying to remember all the things I might've done to hurt them.

As I was walking home, I remember thinking, "I think Person Number 2 had a strange look on his face when he said hello to me today. I think Person Number 3 was looking at me. I think Spanish teacher was being too nice today. I think they all knew about my dream.

Maybe Person Number 2 was like, how could you be so gross??? Maybe Person Number 3 told Person 2 that I was being creepy in my dream. Maybe everyone secretly hates me. Maybe they all read this diary. Maybe they can hear my fingers hitting the keys. Maybe they want me to shut up. I should stop thinking so much.

I was talking with Olivia today. Carter wasn't there. I didn't really care, since he's an asshole half the time anyway. Not even the charming kind of mean, like Ethan or Mr. Sandwich. He's just stupid mean.

Sam wasn't there either. She made a new friend. She asked Olivia if we were jealous? I wasn't but even though Olivia insisted she wasn't either, it kinda seemed like she was. I'm relieved that Sam has someone else. God, I want to get away from her. She's honestly THE single worst human being I have ever met. She is mean, racist, and basically everything I hate. I don't hate her, though. I think she's a bad person but I kind of understand how she got to be that way.

Anyway, Olivia and I talked. I began saying really weird things (for example: sometimes the worm eats the bird) with wide eyes and a very serious face. I get like that sometimes. I spout random bullshit with a certain look on my face. It's my way of making fun of surrealism, even though I fucking LOVE IT. I guess it's me saying that it's not that hard to make something sound deep.

She said, "You're wonderful." And that was nice because no one ever appreciates how cryptic I am hahaha.

My eyes feel sleepy but it's only eight thirty. Oh man, I don't want to stop writing because I'm lonelllyyyy and this stupid thing is the only thing that makes me feel sane.

Why do I feel the need to have my thoughts displayed in an organized fashion? I don't know.

I wish I could scribble but this is a fucking keyboard.

PS: I FORGOT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT. Olivia told me today that Brock asked her to ask me if I've ever had cancer. WHAT TEH FUCK. No, Brock, I've never had cancer. And you're a counselor, why the hell don't you ask me yourself?

My mom had cancer but I'm pretty sure he's referring to the fact that I've vaguely mentioned a "hospital stay" and "almost dying" when I was in eighth grade. This sounds shitty but it would've been more noble if I had had cancer, but nope, I just tried to kill myself. Then, I freaked out and realized what death was and told my mom and pretty much died anyway. Well, I didn't really obviously, but about 90% of my personality evaporated because it was such a horrible thing to do.

Anyway, yeah. What a lovely way to end an entry.

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