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"I Can Barely Breathe" by Manchester Orchestra
Someones got the answers, but I'd rather think theres nothing to be found
If seeing is believing, believe that we have lost our eyes
March 5, 2015 Thursday 4:04 PM
Oh my god!!! There's a fucking spider in the bathroom!!! I was going to take a shower but I saw that fucking thing above the door and screaMED MY HEAD OFF. Then, I paced once or twice, ran out, shut the door (mind you, I was naked) and put a towel at the base of the door so the monster creature would have no way out.
God, I hate spiders. I have really bad arachnophobia, haha. It wasn't even really that scary looking, it was just large. Ah, fuck. Nature belongs outside or in a pot.
My daddy came home and killed the spider for me! Yay. That was nice. I'm so tired. I fell asleep really early yesterday and didn't wake up until like seven AM so I don't know why my body is being such a bitch.
OH! I was having a conversation with Adrian today and he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, last year my mom wanted me to be friends with you and I was like, 'but mom i don't know her' and she was like, so talk to her!"
THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY. I honestly thought his mom didn't like me (recap: his mom is Photographer Lady, the woman who helped me and Laney out with our Olympics of the Visual Arts project last year).
Then again, I never think anyone likes me. Actually, I even think my friends dislike me.
Anyway, the conversation with Adrian was a lot of fun, as always. He said I was interesting which is honestly something I needed to hear because yesterday, I was feeling really anxious and self conscious due to the fact that I believe I am the most boring person who has ever existed.
Note: I am super paranoid and would like to talk about why I am paranoid *wrings hands nervously* but I can't because I'm paranoid that someone is readING THIS AND WILL JUDGE ME ON MY PARANOIA AND WILL HATE ME FOREVER BECAUSE I AM CREEPY AND PARANOID and in short, I'm stupid and I used the "p" word like four times in this sentence.
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon! It's when, after you hear about something for the first time, it keeps coming up directly after that.
This happens to me all the time but I'm too... rational??... to be all, "THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING."
Rational doesn't sound right. I am not a rational person, haha. I am emotional and unbalanced and blinded. Still, I have a hard time believing things that people tell me without evidence.
Point is, that weird Baader-Meinhof thing happens to me ALL THE TIMMMMEEEE (I chalk it up to the fact that after I hear about something, I must unconsciously look for it in the world around me) and it happened again this week.
So I was having a conversation a few days ago with this new dude friend of mine. We talked about wearing make-up and why girls did it and I admitted that I wore it because it made me feel less anxious. I didn't word it that way, I don't think, but whatever.
So yeah, anyway, we talked about that and afterwards, I considered wearing less make up (I already don't wear a lot because I'd prefer to be natural and I'm super fucking lazy) but didn't really decide.
At Peer Leadership, I had a session with depressed-hispanic-kid and he talked about a girl who wore too much make-up because she had low self-esteem. He wanted her to stop or something (I don't want to go into details?? Because it wasn't my session so it just feels weird). My thoughts were, "Hey, that's what Dude was talking about!!!" and, "I wonder if her self-esteem is lower than mine. Probably." and, "How do you suddenly just stop wearing make-up, especially if you wear so much every fuckin' day?"
And THEN!!!! Right after that, Polaris had a demo about not wanting to feel like she needed make-up.
DO YOU SEE THIS. WITHIN THREE DAYS, IT WAS MENTIONED LIKE THREE TIMES.
I used to wear more make-up than I do now. I would go all out, with eyeshadow and mascara and allllll that. I, at some point, gave up on mascara. My eyelashes are short and straight anyway, so there wasn't much point. Then, I began to wear less eyeshadow because I wanted to wipe my eyes in school and wearing make up makes that difficult. Point is, I got down to just foundation and a thin line of eyeliner on some days. This week, I haven't worn foundation! I use tinted sunscreen but I can probably stop doing that eventually, too.
I felt kind of gross today, though. And I also feel pretty anxious. My stomach was burning for most of the day but honestly, it's alright because I'm happy.