How To Predict The Future: A Guide To Having Anxiety
"Guilty Cocker Spaniels" by Modest Mouse [this band is half music and half poetry. They are official my favorite band]
I drew a blank, we put it in a frame
Wait what you're winning, you didn't say this was a game
Well I guess I'll just have to play and play
Until I'm out of cash
Before I could spit it out
I guess the words had burnt my mouth
What can I say?
March 1, 2015 Sunday 6:10 PM
I'm still happy! I'm still fucking happy!!! Maybe applying for the art program was just stressing me out too much. Now, I can take my sweet time planning my life and god, it's wonderful.
THINGS I AM CONSIDERING:
-Colleges (I know I'm not even 16 yet but my sister waited too long to figure out what she wanted to do and I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of having nO IDEA idk)
I've been thinking about my future for awhile. So far, I've decided, to put it loosely, my interests are art and history.
I love art, specifically painting and drawings. I also like sculptures but I've never been good at three dimensional media. All I need is paper and a pencil.
As for history, I really love learning about religions, even though I don't identify with any of them. Greek mythology was the first section of history I've really been interested in, but ever since I was little, I've always asked how things came to be.
I also really enjoy anthropology, sociology, and etymology (even though that last one doesn't really have to do with people so much). I'd also love to take psychology, but not because I want a job in that field. Just because I think it'd help me with other subjects. Besides, it's interesting. I've read psychology books for fun before and they were so FRIGGIN' FASCINATING.
God, I'm boring???
The college I've been thinking about after doing some research was UCLA but I just had a conversation with my dad (we didn't even fight!!!) and he has me kind of convinced that Los Angeles is terrible.
I mean, no offense to people there, but from what I hear (maybe it's all a lie, I dunno), the general population has money. People with money tend to be more materialistic. I don't like that. I hate when people are super attached to their belongings. Maybe if it has sentimental value, sure, but just the object itself? Naw.
My dad DID tell me about the college he went to, though, which is Carlton. It's in Minnesota which I guess is okay (although I've been there before and it was kind of awful. At least they have the Mall Of America but then, I hate shopping so what's the point?? THEY HAVE RIDES INSIDE THE MALL, NEVER MIND, THAT IS DEFINITELY A PERK).
Right now, Carlton sounds PERFECT. It has a good history program and I guess the art program is good too (I can't tell because I have no idea how to look at colleges)!!! THAT'S SO WONDERFUL. Yay.
I might join track if it's not too horrible. That is pretty much all.
I've been thinking about how I'd react in relationships. I pretty much know a few things for sure.
I wouldn't be the one to ask Other Person out. No way. I have a strong fear of rejection and I'm very insecure. Also, low self-esteem so I will nEVER believe another human loves me/likes me unless said person literally says, "I love/like you, you're super cool"
I'd be awkward during first times, such as kisses and sex. Then, at the same time I'm needy and if I'm comfortable, I'd be hanging all over that person constantly. And you know, kissing them a lot. A lot. A lottttt. I really like touching, as long as I feel okay.
I'm going to brush of bad feelings as jokes. That's just me?? I always tell people about bad things that happen to me with a sarcastic undertone, and I generally wear a pretty apathetic expression on my face whilst talking about feelings. It gets heavy, though, so usually I stop talking or I change the subject, anything to get me away from the horror that is my mind.
Example: Let's say you ask me what happened in eighth grade. Let's say, out of the blue, you say, "Hey, you know what I just realized? In 8th grade you weren't in school for like a month, what happened?"
One of two things will happen. If I don't trust you, which is highly likely (refer to me being insecure), I'll tell you something like, "I had lyme disease" or I'll be vague and say, "Oh, I had some issues and I needed to be pulled out of school for awhile."
Or... I'll start to tell you. I'll stay somewhat vague anyway: "I had depression in middle school (note: I say "had," even though it's still an issue) and had to go to a hospital for awhile so they could make sure I wouldn't do anything to myself."
Maybe I'll even volunteer this, "I tried to kill myself" or "I had an anxiety disorder that wasn't being treated and it led to depression" or something.
Of course, when I say it I probably won't be looking at you. My face, it'll be flat. I'll say it like it wasn't a big deal when the truth it, the memory is constantly with me, constantly bothering me, and it's what I remember when I can't sleep. The leftover feelings are what fuel my nightmares. It is everything, it is the turning point in my personality, it is the line that separates my childhood from adolescence. It is the stage in which my mind exploded and came back together, jumbled, horrifying, confusing. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made. So yeah, it's a pretty big deal but I'll act like it wasn't.
Damn, what a melodramatic paragraph.
Even after I volunteer this watered down information, I'll probably go to the bathroom (anything to get away) and breathe, and then act like the conversation never happened.
This is the way I am. Sometimes, I create ideals. It helps me fall asleep. I think, even though I know the chances are slim, "Maybe the person I fall in love with will know what questions to ask in order to get me to unravel."
The truth is, that's all I want. I want to unravel so the thoughts can escape and I can be free. I want to be able to seriously tell people when I feel bad.
Anxiety doesn't allow that, but it does allow me to map out the future based on my personality traits.
Whatever. This was a weird entry. I still feel really good, though. Before I wrote this entry, I took a shower and then danced in my room half-naked for about an hour.
Literally half naked. I was fully dressed from the hips down and then I just didn't bother putting on the rest of my clothes, haha. It was really nice, actually.
I'm a bad dancer bUT WHATEVER MAN. *shakes hips*