Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2015-03-01 10:34:16 (UTC)

New music & random thoughts

You know that feeling when you discover a really cool music group & it's like all their songs are great? YEEEEEEP. I discovered this really cool group called Last Dinosaurs (I think they're indie rock? Just a guess. I've been listening to "Honolulu" & "Weekend" on repeat since first listening to their songs. I get this kind of beach vibe, & I LOVE it. I'm at peace, at ease. I also discovered Falling in Reverse; I haven't had the time to explore their albums/songs, but I really like their song "I'm Not A Vampire" right now. ALSO, I found "Rebirthing" & "Dead Inside" from Skillet. Dead Inside was the first song that I ever heard from Skillet in 2012, but I forgot the name until today when I found it by accident. Wooooo! So far, I've really been digging hard rock & indie rock. I dunno, mang, music is pretty great. "Comatose" by Skillet is playing on my playlist right now, & my mom's busting bachata on the radio... Pretty good morning right now.

According to Briana, my parents want to move to Utah because my mom's husband got a job there... WHY? If moving to Texas didn't work out, what makes them think that Utah will be better? ESPECIALLY if the offer is coming from the SAME people that changed his job offer in Texas? AND why move when he's getting paid the same amount he's making now? I don't get it. The only good thing about moving to Utah is the 8-ish hour drive there... No, it might be less. It could be a 5 hour drive because we're neighbouring states. We'd be able to come visit every weekend if we wanted to.

NAH.

I'M GOOD. WE'RE GOOD. NO NEED FOR MOVING.

I want change, but I prefer staying in this state than going to Utah. Utah may be prettier in scenery or whatever, but do they have all these really cool casinos with the drunk people passed out? I don't think so. My mom hasn't really confronted us about it... but when she DOES, & my siblings have all made up their minds to stay here, she'll probably throw stuff at us again & lock us in our rooms for not wanting to stay "with the person who carried you for 9 months, changed your diapers, fed you." And then she'll rant about how she never wanted us, ungrateful kids, etc. NO. IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAD TO DO ANY OF THAT. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE KIDS. EVEN /I/ DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE HERE. BUT ALL 7 OF YOUR KIDS ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE CONDOMS.

It is not MY fault that you "couldn't" stay abstinent. Even your own kids don't want to be alive. Just ask Lizzy. Or Briana. Or me. Or Betty. And when the four others are old enough to understand your motives, ask them too. We all wish you weren't our mother, just like you say you don't want us ungrateful kids as yours. The feeling is mutual, really.

And if I have to stay in this state & continue going to this shit school... so be it. I'm not moving from this state. And I'll make sure it doesn't happen; I'll tell the judge everything once we go to court. I'll spill every small detail. I'll show them all the bruises & areas where I've had to pick out glass. They won't allow you to have custody, will they? It'll be hell if they do.

That aside, I thought Matt would be over me leaving him during the presentation. I can't really recall what exactly happened, though. I know we were walking together & we started talking about potatoes for whatever reason. Then, either /I/ left him for my friends, or HE kept walking & THEN that's when I left. I don't really remember anymore. I want to believe that it was the latter because I would've at least said, "Hey, wanna come sit with my friends & I?" Instead of just walking around him to get to them. I don't know who walked away first, but I DO remember that by the time I walked with them, he was far ahead of us. And as we sat down, he ended up sitting behind us. But Matt's still mad, I guess. We talked Monday for like thirty seconds & then he stopped talking again. I think it was Thursday, I was handing back test results & I just HAPPENED to get his paper. I was hesitant to give it to him but I gave it to him.

Me: *small smile* Hey Matt, here you go.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME. He was looking at his pencil, & I KNEW he was avoiding contact with me. His voice felt so lifeless, so uncaring.

Matt: Thanks.

Me: Mhm, no problem.

Just walk away & forget that happened.

And it sucks because I have him for chemistry now & he just also happens to sit in the empty space in front of me. FUCK my life. It's just awkward for me because he KNOWS I'm there & he has to sit in front of me & ehhh. And /I/ know he's there so I just feel really bad when I don't apologize... but what if he's not even mad at me? If I apologize, I'd look stupid & that's what I'm trying to avoid... I think he'd be happier if I weren't in any of his classes; same.

Also, since it's Sadies week, I think he got asked to go... I'm pretty sure he went last night because the girl who asked him is someone I've seen him talking with for a while... I rarely see them together, but they DO know of each other. She was one of the girls who was there for homecoming-- I THINK they went together. I remember the girl saying she didn't want to "spend money on a dance I don't want to go to" & he just didn't care. But yeah. I think they went to Sadies together... WHAT IF HE LIKES HER? DUDE. YES. I SHIP IT. If he likes HER instead, I'll be happy. He deserves to be happy! And then it won't be so awkward for me. What if he was telling HER he loved her instead of me? She was the girl standing beside him when he said it... but then, why would he have needed to shout that out to her? I don't know. I'd like to think that he likes her instead of me. Then we can be friends again. I just want your damn friendship, Matt! I want to apologize too, but I don't know if I should. And why would I apologize if HE was probably the one to leave first? Also, it's been like 2 weeks now... My apology is overdue.

Besides all that guy trouble, I haven't been feeling much of the stomach pain! At first it used to be bad enough to the point where I'd wake up two or three hours after falling asleep & I wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of the day. But now I can get my 7-ish hours of sleep! I usually just feel the pain in the mornings & now, rarely, in the afternoons & occasionally at night. But now I'm not as hungry as much. I went almost, I don't know, 15 hours without eating? And then my stomach was like, "Yah, ya gotta eat now." I skipped dinner, breakfast & I ate my lunch at 1pm yesterday. I'm not sure if this is supposed to mean anything, but I'll keep track of it, just in case if something is wrong with me. My stomach WAS hurting last night, though. I made maruchan & I drank a shit ton of water because Briana & I were playing Just Dance. But it was around 11pm, I was doing some writing on my phone, & I felt a bit of pain. Was it hunger? I don't really know; I had JUST eaten less than an hour ago! Or maybe it was actual stomach pain? I usually fall asleep around 10:45PM, & it was 11:15ish pm... Maybe I actually hurt in my sleep but it's not bad enough to wake me up? In December/Late november, I felt pain on my sides. I haven't experienced that pain in a long time, but now I'm feeling pain by my stomach. It's kinda weird. My mom's taxes have yet to arrive... I've kinda given up hope. I'm not going to see a doctor. She's not getting any taxes. If this is something serious, I'll probably end up dying. (If I do die, I FUCKING CALLED IT. I want all my things burried with me or given to a charity. My mom gets NOTHING from my things) If not, it'll be too late to do anything.

Briana also wants to put me on a diet & I want to start being healthy. We were talking about the military diet & she said that it would be harsh for me, but I'm a bit confident. I'm kinda discouraged though, because what if my mom makes GOOD food & I can't have small portions of it? The diet says no snacking in between meals & no replacements... But it's small things like that, that discourage me from dieting. I'm trying to be serious about this. I remember playing Just Dance for 3 hours a day, 3 days a week & I did lose some weight... I'm hoping I can start doing that again & maybe do some exercise at home. I don't really do much here, when friends don't visit. I also want to boost my metabolism. Like super super fast. I'm hoping this all works well for me. Briana said I'm going to become anorexic but I honestly don't care; as long as I'm comfortable in MY own body, I'll be satisfied. I just want to lose the weight in areas I don't like. I know I can't target specific weight loss, but I can try. Right?

I thought I might have been having God's baby yesterday. Or maybe Mother Nature was just being kind to me, since I've been stressing like crazy over how to apologize to Matthew. "Guuuuurl, I feel ya. It's okay, I know you stressing. Imma just let ya off the hook, okay? See ya next month!" But that's not the case anymore because now, Mother Nature is like, "AHAHA JK. SURPRISE. HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THOSE WHITE PANTS BECAUSE THEY'RE RUINED NOW." So thanks. My favourite jeans are now forever ruined. Sob.

I don't know why, but I've been adding "u" to a lot of words, like they do in Europe.

WORDS LOOK SO FAKE WITHOUT THE U.

Neighbor seems so wrong. It's NeighboUR. FavoUrite. ColoUr. RumoUr. ArmoUr. BehavioUr. EndeavoUr. FlavoUr. HonoUr. HumoUr. HarboUr. LaboUr. OdoUr. You get the idea. If it doesn't have U, I'll be upset. I turned in a paper & I had "favourite" written several times; my teacher said I needed to spell things correctly or he'd give me a C. What the hell, man? It's still in English!

I really like adding U's to my words now but I forget that I'm living in America & my teachers don't appreciate the adding of the U's. Oh well.

How coincidental can it be that Elías fell sick & I'm on the verge of getting sick? This a sign from the gods. Soulmates. He's been wearing a facemask all day & I kind of wish I were too. I still have my box full of them from the time I used them for props... I'm like really close to losing my voice. It's all raspy & gross.

It's 10:35AM & my mom's making pupusas. I guess it's a good day so far. I'm just waiting for her to shit on my entire day, haha.

--

My eyes have basically become the dress meme. I think that whenever someone asks what my eye color is, I'll either say that they're gold & white or I'll let them argue about the color with someone else.

I see the dress as white & gold. Fwm m8.


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