LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-02-27 21:07:37 (UTC)

Disorganized Thoughts


"Do I Wanna Know" by Chvrches (cover of the Arctic Monkeys song)

[God, I love her voice. It's so beautiful and sweet and thin ughhh. I like it better than the original but that might just be because they played it on the radio too much. I even like the electronic sounds, it makes me feel like I'm in a video game. I love everything.]

"Gun" by Chvrches

February 27, 2015 Friday 8:20 PM


I didn't feel that great today (I was thinking too much, partly about how I'm turning sixteen in a couple months and then a few months after that I'M A JUNIOR AND THEN SOME TIME AFTER THAT I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT HOW I'LL TURN SEVENTEEN TWO MONTHS FROM THEN AND THEN AFTER THAT I'LL BE A SENIOR AND THEN....) but Adrian cheered me up. I don't even think he knows he did but yeah.

He hadn't gotten a lot of sleep so he was wired and his eyes so fuckin' wide hahaha. They're very pretty but he did look kind of insane. In our next class I noticed sometimes it looked like he'd just seen something incredibly traumatizing (maybe because we were watching a video in which Stalin said "Death is the only solution"?) because his eyes were sooooo big.

But earlier, he was talking about how nothing was real and everything was just chemicals (I quote Sam here, "ARE YOU HIGH? DID YOU SMOKE? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Or something) bouncing back in forth. He looked really stressed out but honestly his deductions were so fucking intelligent, I was pretty much just laughing incredulously the whole time. Because wow. When I'm tired, I'm just stupid. Even when it feels like my brain is expanding and I can suddenly see everything, it is very hard to organize words in the way he did.

  As we were walking out of lunch, he said something about how when he was little, words/phrases would just repeat nonstop in his head, like a computer and I said, "I understand now why you do art."

I dunno if I mentioned that. He's really good at art. I actually know his mom because they were in OVA. Yeah, alright.

Point was, that was nice. He reminds me of a puppy a lot of the time, only much smarter. I really like him but I feel, like with everything, I'll start to get annoyed with him and then I'll just feel dumb. That happened with Olivia! Maybe because I thought she was someone else when I first met her. I thought she was more like me. I mean, we have a lot in common and all but I get the feeling that as much as she denies it, she thinks she is the center of the universe.

She thinks she is the hidden special one who is mature for her age and is extremely intelligent.

Oh shit, that basically describes the worst parts of me! That's not a surprise. That's why it annoys me so much in the first place. She also doesn't listen to me. But whatever.
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I feel really stupid. I don't know. I just can't process things. I have no drive. OH, BUT I TURNED IN MY PORTFOLIO TODAY so now I just wait to see if they'll hate me or let me join the art program. Ughhh god this is even worse than the Doing Art part.

OKAY I've basically ran out of appropriate things to say.

I was going to talk about masturbation but ughhh I'm too lazy now.

Summary: is always fun??? but thats obvious

Goodnight. Wow, it's night time. How strange.

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This whole "click the entry and it gets larger" thing is so weird. I guess it's perfectly okay, though. I complained about the font in one of my entries and the guy who runs the site actually messaged me and changed it. God, that was so nice!!! I wonder how he even noticed my complaining, though? Maybe it was the caps lock.

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My toes are cold and I want to hold your non-existent hand because that's a lot more comfortable than doing it in real life. No dealing with sweaty hands, no getting muscle cramps somehow, nothing weird ever because the hand I am holding is composed of my gray matter.

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Just listened to Tiny Desk Concerts by Chvrches, Alt-J, and Local Natives. God, they're all so beautiful. Things are so lovely.

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I occasionally wonder if I'm actually bipolar but I don't think so because then, wouldn't I experience mania?

So my mind replies, "What do you call those Mind Expanding moments??"

Okay, those don't even last a day and mania has to last at least four days. Also, that's anxiety. I'm so anxious that I become aware of literally everything.

YEHA ALRIGHT, I'm done because I feel disorganized and Very, Very, Not Hispanic, as usual. I am hispanic. I dunno if I ever mention that. I forget all the time! I honestly forgot that my mom is not white. I forgot that I'M not white. But it's not obvious with me. Plus, I've grown up in the US and no one in my neighborhood speaks spanish so I only ever spoke (badly) with my mom, dad, and abuelita when she visited.

Alright, Adios (I am a master of languages).



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