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2015-02-24 21:26:29 (UTC)

A Shit Ton Of Self Hate

"She Will Only Bring You Happiness" by Mclusky

Note to invading aliens!!!
Avoid this town
Like this town avoided us

[this song is similar to Seagull by the shout out louds. I like how he sings like he's talking.]

February 24, 2015 Tuesday 8:28 PM

UGHHH im going to hate myself for this entry because it's about how I really hate myself. It won't be long since I'm typing it on my phone. I'm probably going to cry so I didn't want to type it where anyone would be able to witness my ugly breakdown.

I guess I'll start there. People (*cough cough* BROCK Aka peer leadership dude) always tell me it's perfectly okay to cry in front of people but I get so scared and I threaten myself. I say, "I swear to god, if you cry in front of these people I will hate you so much. Strong emotions almost killed you AND TRUST ME, THEY CAN SUCCEED THIS TIME."

So I don't do it. I was just in peer but I have been stomach-in-knots, body-shaking anxious all day. At some poibt during peer, my arms actually went numb because I was so nervous. The last time that happened was during a panic attack. I wasn't breathing weird but all I could hear was my heart and I was barely fuckibg holding myself together. It was bad.

I asked Brock to leave early (I had one session but the guy wasn't even paying attention to me) and he gave me this strange look and asked me why. I said, "it's hard to explain," and he said "okay but just swing by my office tomorrow, okay?"

I said fine but I'm probably not going to do it. If I do, I'll either have to lie or I will end up crying. If I cry in school, I'll have a panic attack (this isn't a worry, this literally happens if I cry in school. Ever since elementary school, Ive had panic attacks if I start crying in front of anyone).

I want my arms to go numb again. It was weirdly something to concentrate on. Yeah, it was anxiety related, but ughhhh I don't know.

I just want to die. I really do and I hate myself for wanting that. I hate myself for hating myself, hate myself for not being able to handle things like a normal person, hate myself for my anxiety disorder, hate myself for not being able to share my serious feelings with another human being.

I hate myself for this fuckibg entry because I'm being depressing and I've been told, "you don't have to b ashamed of your depression," and I believe it for a split second before realizing that the people telling me this, these are the same people who hide all their negative feelings. These are the same people I will never feel close to.

I hate that I can't imagine being near another human being, being loved by one, because I think I'm such a piece of boring shit.

See!! I feel pathetic and immature and everything I've ever hated. All I can think is, "what if so and so could see me crying, what if they read what I wrote? God, they'd be so disappointed in me."

They would hate me too. They would hate my self-pitying style, and the way I repeat things over and over (hah).

They'd probably hate that I'm so mentally unstable. That kind of thing either inspires pity or sadness. I know exactly how they'd react and this is why I can't share. Maybe if I only felt bad every once in awhile, it'd be okay but I honest to god want to kill myself for no good reason and I get these feelings periodically. Even when I'm okay, I'm not really fine.

Ohhhhh goodddddddddd. I fuckin suck. I really do. I'm so far in that I can't even remember those things you're supposed to think? What is it? Are you supposed to list good things about yourself or something? They're called mindful activities or whatever.

The point is I can't remember and even if I did, I'm sucked in at the moment and wouldn't want to leave this sadness. Ima go sob into my pillow now. Great.