Vanilla

Anticipation

I am just sitting here in anticipation waiting for Dr M to take me to the station. i dont even know why i am waiting for him but i dont have the energy to argue. I told him i dont want to see him today...and then i said i dont think its a good idea he said he is going to come and "help" me. I told him i dont need "help"

The point is...i just cant argue, i have no energy for it...i dont even care if he goes leaves stays whatever. i dont care. Its been a weird day today...i feel like since that incident i have been in a haze. i dont know why i am so affected by it. it is not as if bad things have not happened to me in my life. Maybe it was that feeling of utter helplessness and feeling like i was going to die...the same feeling i used to feel with my father around...i never thought that i would feel that again...but i felt it...i felt it for 2.5 hours with that cab driver. And it turned my world upside down again. because the security i had build for myself...the security i had THOUGHT i had build was a lie. i thought i will never have to feel this way again after what i went through...but i did. I have no patience or forgiveness left for anyone. It shaked my world...because i thought that i would create this life where i could avoid it...i convinced myself that i will make it better...that anything is better than the past times, that i can get over the past...that i will never be that person again. But i was...i was on saturday morning. i was everything i thought i would never be agian. helpless, vulnerable, alone, unloved, uncared...just every fucking thing in the world that i fought to never fucking be.

i dont have the energy to tell the police. but i dont know how to move on...its been there all day swimming around in my head, the whole event just there contiuously fucking with me. And its not even just that....i have played it again and again...but its that feeling i felt. That sickening fucking feeling at the pit of my stomach that this was it, and honestly i hate the fucking world for this. i hate everyone for this...i just do not want to go on or fucking deal with this.

I have acted normal.
I have acted..quite calm and numb.

I think it is obvious i have been affected because i have been quiet...i havnt bothered to talk to anyone much...i just dont care... A part of me feels like it has died...and its probably because this motherfucker just bought out my ptsd.