Story of a Girl
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I've been having many restless nights, ever since Matt yelled out "I love you." Ever since that fucking Tuesday.
Wednesday morning, I woke up at 1:46AM. (I think it was wednesday. The time is correct though) Thursday morning, 3:30AM. Friday morning, 2:44AM. Saturday morning, 2:40 & 5:05AM. It's Sunday now. 3:44, 4:47, & 5:00AM.
I've also been experiencing more stomach pain... but it's not on my sides. I have a growl in my stomach, as if I'm hungry... But I'm not hungry? Whenever I'm trying to eat, I have difficulty eating because my body is rejecting the food. I have difficulty swallowing, chewing, & even putting the spoon in my mouth. I can't finish any of my meals because I suddenly feel full, but then I get that hungry feeling... but my body is STILL rejecting it. I don't know what's wrong. I've been waking up early in the mornings because of this pain. I'm wide awake, energized, but I want to go back to sleep... and then I start thinking about Matt & how I should apologize & then I end up staying awake the entire morning. I've been running on less than 4 hours of sleep each day & it's starting to scare me because I don't feel tired. I'm WIDE awake. It's as if I've slept so much, I possibly couldn't sleep any longer. The stomach pain hurts enough to keep me up all morning, & thinking about apologizing to Matt doesn't help out.
Oh yeah, my mom's husband is coming home today! He's supposed to be arriving at midnight, & I want to accompany my mom to the airport because I KNOW the pain will keep me awake at that hour. I'll probably be wide awake by the time my alarm rings so sleep isn't my main concern right now.
It's also raining, so my night got a LITTLE bit better. Just a little. For the first time ever, the rain hasn't completely released me from my stress. Huh.
I just don't know how I'm gonna deal with Matt tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he's still mad at me & he probably won't even bother looking at me. Honestly, I miss talking to him, even if we only say hi to each other, & I just want us on good terms... but I don't want to initiate the conversation. I can't do it. But if he's over it, I'll apologize on the spot. And then maybe we'll be on good terms again. Ugh. I wish I weren't so shy; I was never like this.
It's currently 10:12PM, I'm experiencing more stomach pain but it might be because I'm hungry & haven't eaten anything. I SHOULD be trying to sleep but I know I'm just gonna wake up early & I probably won't go to the airport, even though I really want to.
I'm secretly hoping that the arrival of my mom's husband will change this week for the better. He'll be like a lucky charm, in a way. His arrival will fix everything between Matt & I, it'll magically cure me of this pain, & I'll pass my Friday tests.
Haha. Just some wishful thinking. If only it were possible.
Currently 10:15PM now, I'm gonna grab something quick to eat so that I can temporarily take care of my "hunger," if that's what it is.
Edit: 02-22-15, It's 10:43PM & Bella barfed all over my bed & Briana's... Just my luck. My mom's letting me go with her but I'm still gonna TRY to get some sleep. I climb into bed when I smell vomit on my right.. Ew. And now I'M vomiting. I'm trying to get Bella to sleep on her pillow but she just keeps jumping back onto the bed & I don't want her sleeping outside our room. I've been trying to wipe the vomit off with towels but the smell is still lingering, so I used baby wipes & that just wet my sheets even more so I covered it up with perfume... but now that's all I smell. And my sheets are half wet. And the wet side is where I fall asleep. Fuck me.
At least it smells nice.
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