The Real Me
2015-02-22 17:02:06 (UTC)

Nearly got raped.

Isnt it funny how a few days ago I was complaining about him.

And now...well now life takes another turn.
I am ok..ish. Thats a lie im not actually ok but I look like i have my shit together because I dont want anyone else to see how affected I am, or how weak i am, or how shit i feel.

I nearly got raped.I called the police about 5 times. I called my boyfriend, i called my friend i left dr M voicemails. nothing happened and no one came.

I feel like it is partially my fault, because I was drunk and took a "cab" which turned out to be a rapist cab. Dr M has offered me no support. I feel completely deserted in this situation and completely alone. No body really cares about me, like really when it comes down to it. Its not a fact that you want to hear or see. Its depressing to know. My friends laughed it off, Diana left for portugal so she couldnt call and said she was very sorry that happened. T -My other supposed friend said "dude see i told you you shouldnt have got an unlicensed cab" and Dr M..well he called me twice and left me a message or 2 saying he is worried because he heard my Voicemails and he heard everything. If I heard a vm like that I wouldnt be in this diary typing right now. I would be with that person. Dr M is meant to drop of his parents as they are taking a flight so he drove to Devon..yesterday but they are leaving today.He got my messages before he drove off. He lives 30 mins away from me by drive...he could have driven over checked up on me and drove to devon...did he do that, no. Today he was "busy" so he couldnt message ad didnt give me a single call.

What happened?

He wouldnt let me leave the cab, he started talking about sex which warranted my instincts to get the fuck out of the cab and run. I politely asked him if he could park up he said we are nearly there now so no. I started asking him more in a nicer way lets just park for a second i need a cash point etyc etc, instead he drove faster,at this point i had no idea where we were , he tried to grab my arm i told him not to touch me then he started talking about sex. I decided in that moment i need to either sit here and something bad will happen or risk it and jump out of a fast moving car where yes i could possibly get physically hurt, but its better than the alternative so i reached for the door,it was locked. Now im in panic mode, he parks up in a dark alley way no where near my home, in this time im secretly calling anyone i can on the phone and leaving it on record so they can hear the conversation. My mind is on fire, my body is trembling because I know this is it, this is going to be all over and this moment can destroy my life.The fear i feel is beyond anything i have ever felt.I go from asking him polietly to begging him to open the door and that this is scaring me, he doesnt listen he carries on with his sex talk. Then he switches he gets angry and says "WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING MONEY, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS" So i tell him nicely ofcourse i will. He has the odasity to say "WELL I WANT 40 POUNDS NOW" I tell him ok just open the door and i will get the money from cash point. i keep begging him telling him I dont want to have sex,nothing is working, he starts laughing as he notices im messaging and says "what none of your friends calling you to help you? no one there to help" He then grabs my phone. And i realize i need to act crazy either way I am going to go down but i wont go down without a fight, So i start screaming and shouting, i think back to the ghetto,how do i get people to fear me? Act like i will kill him, so i start threatning him i tell him i will "knife him, i will kill him if he doesnt open the fucking door" he laughs and says "oh really, wheres your knife then?" I look him square in the eye and tell him i will kill him, he doesnt know who i am, he doesnt know what i can do, i will kill him and not regret it. He opens the car door, puts my phone down in the rain near his seat. And says "well go get it then" i literally open the door, run to the phone grab it and keep running and running and running as fast as i can to a main street, to people to anything. At this point i have no idea where i am, no idea where to go but i dont care because all i feel is relief, relief that i am alive, i am not hurt and i am here.