Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2015-02-20 20:47:19 (UTC)

Mother daughter talk & Matt

I know I posted about Matt & my middle school crush on him.

I want to be truly, purely honest with myself.

I DON'T like him.

I'm done with him. Middle school is over, & I have someone much better than him. I'm happy with Elías. Really.

So, I was rereading the thing about Matt. It was on the presentation thing. I was the second to leave, & he was right behind me. The girl behind him muttered, "Nope, not gonna walk by myself." so she stepped back into the classroom. It was just Matt & me, but everyone else eventually came out. I was walking really slowly because I still don't know my way around the school; I also wasn't listening to the teacher so I was just following the crowd. It wasn't until we were almost out of the hallway that he came up to me. So it was the usual conversation...

Matt: Hey Bianca.

Me: Hi Matt.

Matt: You going to the game tomorrow?

Me: ...I uh, I don't really want to... but I should.

Matt: Yeah, I don't think I'll be going to this one.

And so on. Just talking about school stuff... literally ALL we ever talk about. So we stepped out into the yard. People started crowding the sidewalk area so I moved to my right... & he did to. Was it because he was being pushed as well? I don't know. So we reached the building we would be in. But it was locked... yet it wasn't? The crowd went around the building twice, all the entrances being locked. I eventually saw two other friends from a class & I took it as my opportunity to go hang with them... so I left Matt without even saying anything. He just kept walking & I turned around to go catch up with the girls. We laughed our way into the room. Matt just coincidentally happened to sit behind us. Thursday, he didn't say anything. He didn't even look my way. I thought, whatever, maybe he was just in a bad mood. It's Friday, still nothing. Since he sits in front of me in class, I KNOW that he sees me. He was talking to some other girls for like ten seconds.

I know that I sound like I like him, but I really don't... I just want his friendship. He's been so nice to me all year, even if he only says hello to me, & I really don't wanna lose him as a friend... But it's been leaving me restless. I can't help but feel so bad. He's pissed at me, I know.

...So I told my mom. And she laughed at me.

"Is that really what's bothering you?"

"YES. I just want to be on good terms. I want us to continue being friends."

And she talked to me a bit.

It's MY fault that he's pissed at me. She told me I should have told him I was going with my friends instead of leaving him to walk by himself... I guess that's true.

And now I'm even more mad at myself for not saying anything to him.

FUCK.

MAN.

GOD. I hate myself so much right now. I want to apologize to him & I wanna ask how his day has been, but fuck, I'm so fucking shy. I can't do it. There's no way that I'll be able to do it.

My mom reads cards... Like, the future. It doesn't exactly tell her what'll happen, but the spirits give her clues to what might happen.. Something like that. That's just my understanding. She read my uncle's cards; his "girlfriend" *HO* would get pregnant & abort the child. Literally less than five minutes after talking with her, she goes on his girlfriend's profile to see that she posted a picture of her pregnancy test... positive.

WELL THEN.

My mom reads the future, I guess.

So then it came up in a random thought... If my mom was right about my uncle's girlfriend, could she possibly read MY cards to see if Matt hates me?

So I asked her.

And she laughed at me again.

"You seriously want me to read your cards?"

"YES. PLEASE."

"Hun, he's hurt because you left him. He won't talk to you because he likes you & he's afraid of rejection. But, he'll get over it. You need to talk to him."

Uh, no. I'm too fucking shy. Talking isn't an option.

So then she paused & asked me, "Do you know his name?"

"Matthew. Matt for short."

"Do you know his last name?"

Yep. She's gonna read my cards tomorrow afternoon, HOPEFULLY. I don't care what kind of sorcery this is, I don't care if I'm endangering myself somehow, I just want to know if he's still my friend.

I'm sorry, Matt. I'm sorry but I can't date you. I wouldn't ever cheat on Elías, & we just wouldn't work out.. Sorry for pissing you off. I'll apologize one day, I promise. I didn't even think you'd care that I'd leave without saying anything. I didn't even think you might just have an interest in me, possibly. (I still can't tell if you were being serious about the whole I love you thing) I'M SO SORRY BECAUSE NOW I FEEL LIKE AN ASS.

Ugh. I have to apologize to him but I'm really shy & ugh... I don't know.

I was originally writing this because this is the first time EVER talking to my mom about problems like this & she actually helped me instead of making me feel like complete shit. But now it's just me blabbering about Matthew, heh.

I told Elías about it too but he's a little more... chill about it. "As long as he's not harassing you, I don't see why I should have him beaten up. He's still your friend, don't worry." He's not harassing me or anything.. I just feel so weird because I can't tell if he's serious or not. DUDE. I FUCKING STALKED YOU IN MIDDLE SCHOOL & I "LOVED" YOU. You're choosing NOW to return those feelings? Nah, dude. I'm sorry. I can't do that.

But ugh.

I feel like such an ass.

Briana: This song describes him perfectly... *putting on song*

Me: ...

Song: I DON'T FUCK WITH YOUUU.

Me: *sad noise*

Briana: WAIT...

Song: YOU LIL STUPID ASS BITCH, I AIN'T FUCKIN' WITH YOU.

Briana: And this is your song.

Song: Sorry, I'm not sorry!

Briana: BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOK SORRY.

Me: See... We even have songs now & we're not even dating. I just want to know if he hates me & doesn't want to be my friend.

Briana: Ask him.

Me: NO, I CAN'T DO THAT!

Briana: OH MY GOD THIS IS EXACTLY WHY. YOU'RE SORRY BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO APOLOGIZE. UGH... Oh, this song is also him!

Song: If I say something, I mean it.

Briana: Because he said I love you.

Me: BUT I CAN'T TELL IF HE'S JOKING OR NOT.

But like I said, this was supposed to be an entry about my mom & I having girl talk but now it's like mehhh.

The few friends that I've told all agree that I fucked up. And I know I did wrong... I shouldn't have left him. Fuck man. Did I really fuck up? Or is he just wrong to be pissed? (He may just not want to be talk to me, but he doesn't even look at me anymore) I want to believe that I didn't, & he shouldn't be upset... but I don't know. I think the more people agree that I did, the more I'll be likely to apologize. It'll pressure me. FUCK.

I just want to be his friend; I don't want him to hate me.

I just don't know how to apologize, I'm so fucking shy.

God damn it. I hate this entire situation.

I just want to be friends.

You know, I hates freshman year. I fucked up friendships all over. I was hoping this year would be a new, fresh start. Nothing like this would happen... NOPE. It happened. I want to apologize. I really do. But I can't bring myself to do it. I can't talk to him. I can't apologize. I want him to talk to me first so I can just casually sneak my apology in but I KNOW that's not how things will work out... Sigh. I just HAD to leave him for my friends, huh? What if.. what if I had never left him? What if I stayed with him the entire time, even though we didn't talk? Maybe I wouldn't stress about this... But what if I stayed & he didn't even bother to sit by me? All these fake scenarios make me feel even worse. Maybe he wouldn't be mad at me if I had just stayed. Or maybe I should have brought him with me.

Sigh.


--

Edit: 02-21-15, 5:05PM My mom hasn't read my cards yet... but she says she asked the spirits guarding her & even they say that I need to confront him or else we'll probably never talk again. I CAN'T DO IT THOUGH.

Briana told me I could ask for his help on homework & then casually be like, "Sorry for ditching ya, dude." I thought about doing that but I doubt he would want to talk to me. Ugh. ME talking to him first is the only option I have... Or I could wait for him to completely get over it, but that requires plenty of time & patience, which I have none of.
I was thinking that I could buy a bunch of small gifts & give it to him & friends (buy a bunch for friends so I don't look suspicious) but that requires money & I'd only be doing that to talking with him, when I can just TALK to him for free without getting gifts.

How do I overcome this shyness? That's the only thing holding me back. (That, & the fear of him not being mad at all so I'll just end up looking stupid)

I don't get to see him until Monday & I'm hoping he's over it. It's only Saturday but it's been the longest Saturday of my life... in a bad way. Ugh.


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