The Real Me
Feedback?: Am I the abuser or is he or am i overthinking this?
I didnt explain what happened....
We woke up last morning quite early in bed and we were talking, I asked him a question and he didn't answer so I lightly tapped / slapped his face (playfully) . He got annoyed as he was falling asleep and responded with wtf? You fucking bitch in a jokey annoyed way. I was upset he called me that so we started discussing it. A few mins later I moved his jaw towards mine to give him a kiss and he got annoyed again because he found it aggressive. (I didn't realise that I was being rough) as i was just trying to give him a kiss. Anyway then whilst discussing he was telling me its not acceptable and i was being aggressive, he then slapped me out of the blue a little harder than I did him to demonstrate his point I got upset and then he said "see do you like it?". We both apologised later and he said he shouldn't have responded that way . But the question is: is this acceptable? What do i do?
I got over this...sort of. But it made me think is this the start of an abusive relationship? I accused him of abuse later that day and he was extremely offended, he said he thought i knew him and that if i think that and i dont feel safe (which i told him) then i shouldnt be talking to him at all and go to the police and in fact he could say i abused him and have done in the past but he doesn't because he thought he knew me.
I cant really make sense of it. Was i abusive? Am i the abuser now? or have i got this wrong and blown it out of proportion? I over think it because of my past. I dont want to make the same mistakes again but i dont know what is normal anymore.
Every time he gets mad at me he does this. And he gets mad at me often, its not verbal or physical it is silent.
The thing about me is that i over look people's bad qualities so much. I see it, I get upset over it, i filter it and then i accept it and get over it.
Dr M however will just not talk to me for days. He will ignore me, shut me out and not speak to me. Is this even normal?
I thought I was right about him and that to an extent I knew the type of person he would be. And no I'm not "let down once again" although I wouldnt blame me for thinking that. I just expected more after all my other relationships, i thought this one would work, because he is so normal. Wrong.
His behaviour is...weird. I never really feel secure. At first I thought I was paranoid and over thinking, now, well now im not so sure. Im not sure how I feel about him anymore.
I do not want to put a "we" or "us" into this because there never properly was a "us". Well last couple of weeks I have seen us grow, but we clash alot and it is to do with our thinking, logic and behaviour. He is more inclined to be calmer but passive aggressive and shut me out. I am more eccentric, demanding and pour my feelings out...i come across like I am completely out of control when he looks like he has his shit together.
But behind that there is this thing...this obvious control mechanism. Why would you ignore someone when you are upset? To get a message across right? To basically say " i am not happy right now with this behaviour" and thats exactly what he does. Its like he wants me to crack because it gets to me. When he does this he knows he is making me think what is going on? are we still together? is he considering breaking up? etc etc.
Right now I am going to go see Diana and have a few drinks, Friday after all. I just dont understand men. No matter how much i think i do.