Nikki

StilliStand
2015-02-20 14:44:25 (UTC)

Confidence Feeder: 3 -Total setback

My Virginity:
I was 14. I had a friend in the neighborhood whom I was strictly friends with, nothing more. I was at his house one day and we talked about both of us being virgins. Stupidly but seriously we talked about losing it to each other. That way it wouldn't be uncomfortable, it wouldn't be weird, and we could keep it to ourselves and trust that we do. So, we did. It was.. weird.. gross. He asked me during sex if I wanted to do anal.. ANAL?! I was just losing my virginity and he asked if I wanted to do anal.. wow. He must've watched way to much porn in his life. But anyways, that was just it. I didn't bleed so I didn't technically lose my virginity but it was the first time a penis has been inside me.. so yeah. And that was just it. I'm sure after a couple months he told his friends, but it never got back to me that he told anyone and no one acted any differently towards me so; it was as if it never happened.

Birdie:
(if your following my other posts you'll know who he is). After my experience ended with Donovan, I'm sure he told his brother about what him and I had done (I'm sure leaving out his complete dominance and me ending us for that reason) and also, Birdie was friends with M who again, I'm sure gave him his own personal briefing on the experiences him and I had. None the less, Birdie started to pursue me harder. He definitely was different from his brother, he was more sweet and genuine so I thought. He was older, so he drank; a lot. About 3-4 months into us simply talking on the phone, spending the days together, him walking me home from school or in the evening --we were out walking, it was evening time. For some reason, he asked me if I wanted to go into a apartment that was being built, so it was basically structural but no actual carpets or designed rooms or anything. Just drywall and wood. I went in, we sat down. We started talking and then he started kissing on me. His breath was absolutely awful smelling and I could tell he had been drinking. It's like, a finger just snapped and he became so violent and demanding. He bent me over a tub that was in the house, and said between teeth in my ear.. "I know what you did with my brother and I know what you let M do. I've chased after you so nicely for so long and now I know how to approach you and get what I want, that's what I'm gonna do". I was scared, to death. Now, being 14 years old; "rape" is what I saw on TV. The girls screaming and crying and the man totally like, yeah.. raping her. So what was happening to me; I didn't know if it was rape.. or not? He pulled my pants down and entered me from behind.. It was rough, it hurt, he had his nails dug into my skin. I didn't scream, I did tell him to stop a couple of times.. It was literally like people say about their souls leaving their bodies and their just watching it happen. I honestly don't remember even the feeling of it. I just know it happened. It was quick.. and when it was done, he told me to get the fuck away from him and walk my ass home. I did. I walked a good mile away from the house it happened, and then broke out into a full run. When I got home I went right past my parents; who didn't notice I was home anyways, I ran in the shower and just scrubbed. Needless to say that was the last time I ever allowed myself to be alone with Birdie again. He never spoke of that incident, and neither did I. Also, he told no one else. Not even a fabricated version of the story.. it just went.. unspoken.

At this point, I'm totally confused about my self respect, confidence, and pride. In previous encounters I felt some sort of gain. This time, I felt like a used object. I felt lower than I ever have in my life. I didn't feel ugly, or anything of that nature. Somehow I still had my confidence.. but I began feeling less of a person, and more of an object. How could I demand the attention of these guys and put myself at such a high standard.. when something like what happened.. happened. I had two friends at the time, and I mean actual close tell everything to, best friends. But.. I never told either of them about this, or about Donovan. I felt they envied me for my story about Tito (in part 1), and I feel like they were jealous of the fabricated story I gave them about M. They didn't get the attention that I was getting.. so they would always come to me asking questions and such so I felt so much higher.. like on a different level than them.. How could I lower that and tell them about the complete aggression of Donovan's takeover, the horrible virginity loss.. and then about Birdie?




Ad: