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February 19, 2015 Thursday 1:03 PM
Ohhhhh my godddddd my whole body hurts. I tried sleeping after last night's entry (which I finished around one forty somethin') but I couldn't so I watched an episode of Malcolm In The Middle. By the time I was done with that, it was a little past two thirty. Then, I believe I tried sleeping again, but I couldn't so I tried doing some riddles. Couldn't sleep. Read a little. Couldn't sleep. Did some mindless puzzles. By that time it was six in the morning and I was pissed because I just wanted to sleep. I got my wish, super late. Fuck.
I'm really tired and I feel shitty whenever I wake up past noon. This sucks.
One day, when you've graduated, when you've found yourself a job and apartment, when you've settled down and made friends, you'll find that your mind is so, so quiet. Not the pleasant kind of silence, but the devoid-of-thoughts kind of quiet. You'll realize you spent too much time outside your head, you spent too much time fixing your appearance and fixing the appearance of your personality, fixing anything and everything you think anyone will see.
It's sad because you tried so hard and still, in the end, you neglected something. You don't know what you like to do when you're alone, you don't know what thoughts you think, you don't know if you're opinions really belong to you. You don't even know if all that time spent doing stupid things was worth it.
Maybe it was.
I don't know if I'll end up that way. I'll probably find myself sitting on a couch, wondering why I didn't end up doing what I thought'd I'd be doing at that age. I'll probably wonder why I'm so lonely, why I don't have many friends, why I get so tired when I'm around them, why I get uncomfortable when they touch me.
Which is better?