LustingforNightmares

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2015-02-19 01:44:21 (UTC)

Lady, I Will Touch You With My Mind


"Colly Strings" by Manchester Orchestra

Well, don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep

February 20, 2015 Thursday 12:47 AM


My muscles are spasming in my stomach and back. I can feel the shivers, god, they're so annoying. They make me nervous. Nothing is curbing the anxious edge I have, now. I should have realized this earlier: I have been off medication for more than a month. It doesn't feel different. But I guess I can never tell. Optical illusions. The connection between that last phrase and everything I just said is something I don't trust myself to explain. It's probably obvious enough, anyways.

"Lady, I will touch you
with my mind,

Touch you and touch and touch
until you give

me suddenly a smile
shyly obscene

(lady i will
touch you with my mind.) Touch
you, that is all,

lightly and you utterly will become
with infinite care

the poem which i do not write"

-e.e. cummings


Woah, what the shit, I just spent an hour doing weird things. First, I took an eidetic memory test (first, I score 40% and then I took it again and scored 70% but I think it was because I was more focused and stuff, I dunno) and then I retook an IQ test that I did last year. Last year, according to the test, my IQ was 141 (don't know how I remember that) and this year it's 143.

I'm proud!!! Last year, when I took it, I literally spent an entire grueling hour doing it and I used paper and talked really fast about the patterns (ugh the crazy bag lady in my head is now screaming FIBONACCI SEQUENCE, FIBONACCI SEQUENCE, IT IS THE KEY TO THE GREAT SPIRALING DOOR OF THE UNIVERSE, I listen to too much Welcome To Night Vale).

This year, I did everything in my head. To be fair, the questions were the same and I have a very good memory. I didn't remember the questions themselves, but it's like a maze, you know? You just kind of get the feeling you already know.

Anyhow, I did the work for the sequence questions ("which number doesn't belong?" and whatnot) in my head and I did very well.

I'm actually proud of myself! I know those things can be bullshit and they only seem to measure how well you're able to recognize patterns, but I'm really good so whatever. I'm not genius good, which is like 155 and above, but still.

Oh, man. I'm worn out from reading poetry and wondering what it all means, from thinking about eidetic memory and what exactly intelligence is, from everything, really. But god, is it a relief from the thoughts that go through my head as of late.

The shivers are still wracking my body. I kind of hope I'm sick so I have a reason to feel depressed when I re-enter reality tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes, I do wonder if I have a bit of a photographic memory. Nothing that was exercised too much but I can still remember the credit card number my mom had last year (including the back numbers and I vaguely remember the expiration date but it could have been for one of her more recent cards... no it was that one).

Also, I am very, very good at spelling because I have the images of words in my head as I think them. This is also why I can read in my dreams. I should've done spelling bees, ugh. It's just that one time, I misspelled anxious (I forgot the i), ironically because I was nervous, and after that I was just absolutely done with competitive spelling haha. I actually won a spelling bee once and was going to compete with the rest of the school (not super impressive) but I got scared and backed out (childhood anxiety, ahhh).

I dunno, it could just be a normal thing. I wish I had trained it more as a young girl, though.

---

"Icarus. The original myth had two parts. Daedalus said to his son, ‘I fashioned these wings for you. Two rules. Don’t fly too high, or the sun will melt the wax. But, more important, son, don’t fly too low. Because if you fly too low, the water and the waves will surely weigh down the wings, and you will die.’ We’ve left out the second part of the myth. We don’t say to people anymore, ‘Don’t fly too low.’ All we do from the time they are 4 years old is warn them against hubris. We have created this industrially led structure that says: How dare you."

-Seth Godin (flying too high melted his wings, yea, but it was the ocean that killed him in the end)


God, that's so beautiful. I quite love greek myths applied to modern life ughhhhhh it makes me feel good. Goodnight.


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