LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-02-17 23:50:28 (UTC)

The Fight????


10:50 PM

I really have to pee (she says while drinking out of a bottle capable of holding eight glasses of water).

So Olivia invited me to go to a basketball game at school today. I said yes. I don't really like sports. Watching them is pretty boring, unless it's soccer, but even then, it's not my favorite thing to do. Anyway, I just wanted to go so I wasn't alone, since I've spent like five days holed up in my house wearing the same sweats.

We didn't even go into the gym, we just hung out in the cafeteria. We kind of got into an argument so I called my mom and we sat awkwardly in silence until she picked me up.

I don't know how I feel. I was really upset earlier. Pissed off, actually. Olivia kind of interrupts me a lot and ignores the things I say which I understand but still, it's annoying. She also talks a lot about herself and is very awkward in the way she approaches subjects.

I mean, I'm awkward too but she's actually worse.

Whatever, I should be okay with how she is. She's going through a lot of shit. I should understand.

But I don't. I don't know why. I don't pity her. Okay, no one wants pity... I don't sympathize, I guess. Which really doesn't make sense because I went through the SAME STUFF.

I don't know. I guess I got mad and then I got quiet and she could see the look on my face. She said that it made her uncomfortable and I said, "Oh? Oh, my feelings make you uncomfortable?"

In short, I was a bitch.

She always showing her feelings, though! And ugh, fuck, it annoyed me. Because it's not like I've been hiding my thoughts from her, exactly. The other day I was talking to her on the phone and I was telling her about my day and she just kind of hung up as soon as I was done. It didn't really feel like she was paying attention to me and she does that alll the time.

So I told her and then she got even more quiet and it was just weird.
---


We tried continuing the argument today but it was weird. I'm still a bit pissed but at the same time, it's just too stressful to stay mad. And then she is so soft and bare that I can't stand to hurt her.

I was trying hard to keep my tone controlled, but the hurt on her face and the tense silence, it stabs me too. So basically no one will ever win. We only get change.

I dunno. I can feel her self-abhorrence, though, and I don't want to contribute to that. I wasn't trying to pick a fight, it's just that if I don't try and work things out with her, my annoyance will turn into resentment (as it has before) and she needs a friend.

Yes. And this concludes my reasoning.


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