Story of a Girl
11 year old crush
I want to write about this because it kind of took me by surprise. It's something I wouldn't have expected to hear from this person..
I had a guy friend way back in I THINK elementary school. Or in 6th grade, beginning of middle school. Either one, but still, I've known this guy for a few years. His name's Matt. (I'm replacing his actual name with Matt because I have a small suspicion that he might find this someday...) I didn't actually know him back then, but I knew recognized his face because he was one of those smart kids. He's also asian... stereotypical smart asian dude. I had a major crush on him--probably the first crush I've ever had. Of course, I didn't talk to him so he never found out. I was kind of like the silent stalker kind of person; watching him from a distance, admiring him, but too much of a wuss to tell him I liked him. And then he moved.
He FUCKING moved.
Second semester, he was gone.
And then I met Anthony, but I won't talk about that because it's something I've almost completely forgotten about. After Anthony, there was the New Zealander & then Elías.. He's the last AND the current boyfriend. But I'm happy with him, I really am.
So my parents didn't want me attending both my zoned schools for high school, right? (The school I want to go to is my actual zoned school) I ended up going to another school that was zoned for my uncle's house... I finally see Matt again for the first time since 5th/6th grade. (I actually wasn't aware that Matt was there. I didn't recognize him at all until this current school year) HOLY SHIT HE'S HOT... But I wasn't going to admit that to Elías because he'd beat the dude to a pulp. If he laid a finger on Matt... he'd probably kill him. He almost killed Stephen that one time at the party but THAT'S a different story for a different, more appropriate, time. But yeah.. Matt came to this school? I uh, I didn't feel anything for Matt anymore. It all washed away when he left. I didn't really talk to Matt as a freshman because I honestly didn't recognize him. I mostly hung around the seniors, which made the majority of all my friends. Elías & the rest of the seniors graduated, so now it's just the juniors, that make up the MAJORITY of the band. We have a couple of sophomores like me & Matt, & maybe 10 freshies. This is the year that Matt finally talks to me.
We were at a football game in, I think, late September or early October. I was crying because of some issues I was having at home & I guess I couldn't contain myself. One of the drum majors conforted me after the halftime performance. And since Matt is a clarinet player, he sat right in front of me on the bleachers. So he was there, kind of conforting me. He was mainly staring at me & being silent, but then he stood up & sat to my left. And then he asked the weirdest question ever...
"Do you like oreos?"
I was taken back by this, but I answered his question.
"Yeah! I love the ones with the golden outside instead of chocolate."
"Ahh, yes! Vanilla!"
"They're so good!"
"Do you like mini oreos? I LOVE mini oreos."
So then we started talking about the different types of oreos... Not a conversation I had expected, but I enjoyed every single minute of it. After that game, I realized that we shared a class together-- World History H. I sat all the way in the back & he sat all the way at the front, except he sat on the row next to mine. Then, he would say "Hey Bianca" or "Bye Bianca" every day during our last class of the day. He's always the first to say hi--I'm too shy to even say hello. Bleh.
Sometimes during the games, we'd talk about our history work. He'd ask me, "Did you do the thing for Ms. Stone?" I'd question him, "What work?" He'd laugh at me, "The essay. It's due tomorrow." And then I'd reply with, "I HAD NO IDEA." There was ONE specific conversation I remember us having. I thought it was kind of funny because I learned something about him.
Matt: Hey, did you do the homework?
Me: ...We had HOMEWORK?
Matt: Haha, yeah. The title page.
Me: Well frick. I didn't know it had a due date...
Matt: Nice catch on the f word. And yeah, I'm gonna work on it when I get home! I completely forgot about it, too.
Me: SAME. I really don't like the assignment.. Religion doesn't interest me so much.
Matt: Me too. I think it's so awkward when she talks about Judaism & the sects... Because it sounds like... Y'know.
Me: HAHA, YES. I always hear something different. It's so weird to hear someone as old as her talk about the dirty deed. It's so awkward.
Matt: Hahaha, yeah.
And that was it. I didn't think he really cared how she pronounced the sects... but the face he made when he talked about it was priceless! We wouldn't talk anymore during the games. That was probably the last conversation we ever had at the football games.
So then basketball season came up. He still said hello everyday, well, on most days. We normally wouldn't talk outside of class though. The most we would say is "Hi" & that's it. We both walked the same way but we never confronted each other in the hallways. I thought about saying hi first, but... I always chickened out. That's what friends do right? Saying hi in the hallways?
So when basketball season started, we would still sit in the same order as in the football games; flutes, clarinets, saxes, brass, percussion. Sometimes he would say hi. That's about it. We had a grade check one time. I was walking slowly behind him, but I was still the first in the room. (I didn't even notice I was behind him until I looked up) I decided to sit all the way in the front by myself, alone in an entire row. The row did fill up quickly.. I was reading a book when he stood up & sat beside me. He had plenty of space back there, so why would he sit near me? Was it because his friends were in the row in front of me? He wasn't even talking to them, except for two different times. Whatever. The book I was reading was great & that's all that truly mattered to me.
So today, we did our daily warm-up, as always. The teacher, for the first time in history, (HUEHUEHUEHUE. Get it? It's history class... the first time in history? It was funnier in my head) let us choose who would answer the questions. She called on some kid, who called on another, & so on. So the girl sitting behind Matt called on him. Then...
I was half asleep so hearing my name being called out was like being awaken by my alarm clock.
"HUH, WHAT? Oh, Egypt was... Uh, the British?"
"Yes yes, the British." I really hated the tone my teacher used when I answered the question.
But... WHY WOULD YOU CALL OUT MY NAME? Like, dude. You could've called out the name of the guys that are always copying off your paper. You could've called the name of the girl who was clearly flirting with you before class. WHY WOULD YOU BRING ME BACK INTO REALITY? It was weird because we normally pretend like we don't know each other in that class. Him calling me out was such a surprise to me. I wouldn't have thought that he'd ever call on me, & I probably wouldn't have called on him. Wowowowowow.
It's such a small thing, but dayum. I didn't even think he remembered I was in that class since I'm so quiet. But then again, he's just as quiet as I am.
Then we had the game today. I was there a few minutes early & I saw as he walked in. I think he might've seen me, I don't know. He signed in & then he came to stand by the place I was sitting by, unpacking my instrument. Today was also a day where we didn't say anything to each other. Normally, he unpacks his instrument a few feet away from where I do it. But then we got called into attention & yeah. During the game, nothing. I wasn't expecting a conversation, though. I honestly just wanted to go home to finish up work. (I have like 4 Cs & it's barely the third quarter... Fuck me.) So it's 7:50ish PM & I'm walking outside to where my mom is, waiting by the curve. As I walk out, Matt's standing by the door with, I THINK, one of the colorguard girls & one of the percussionists. He yells out, "BYE BIANCA." & I turn around to yell back, "BYE MATT." And then, out of the fucking blue, he yells out, "I LOVE YOU." So I turn around to give him the, "The fuck?" face. I turned around because it could've been the other dude... They don't sound too similar, but still. I don't think he saw the face I made, though. It was pretty dark outside.
And when he said that, I started thinking about the times in 5th/6th grade where I admired him from a distance... DOES HE KNOW HOW MUCH 11 YEAR OLD ME LONGED TO HEAR THAT FROM HIM? Holy shit. If I were 11 years right now, I'd be blushing & fangirling like crazy. "OMG HE SAID I LOVE YOU EEEEEEEK." I really can't tell if he's joking because he's such a serious person, but I'm 99.99999% sure he's just joking. I can take a joke, but dayum. 11 year old me CRAVED for him to love me, even though he never knew about my crush, & now 4-ish years later, he finally says it as a joke. Would 11yo me be pissed? I think I'd be in the middle-- glad he said it, but pissed it was a joke..
AND ELÍAS. OH MY GOD. I'm so sorry Matt, but he would crush you if he were there to hear that!
I guess I just wanted to write this because it was interesting to me. 11 year old me would be all over social media announcing her new unofficial boyfriend. "HE LOVES ME AHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Matt, it took you 4-ish years. If only 11 year old me could travel into the future. I'd probably be making all these fake scenarios in my head. Heheh.
I really don't feel anything for him because I've moved on & I'm the happiest I've ever been with Leó the cuddly lion (he hates being called that, haha) but man, I'd be so happy to hear that if I were 11 years old again. Maybe I wouldn't have dated Anthony. I wouldn't have had to force myself to forget the bad memories because goo memories would be there in its place.
Now that I think about it, what he said kind of bothered me. I don't like the word "love" being used as a joke. It's something that has lost its meaning. It just gets tossed around with no actual meaning to it. I get that it was his way of changing up our exchanges of goodbyes, but stiiiiiiill. I'd like to help that word keep its meaning. It's such a powerful word & emotion, isn't it? I have a really hard time saying the word love; I never say it to my parents. They can say "I love ypu sweetheart" but I always, meekly, say "Me too." Maybe I should start doing the whole "I love youtube" thing.
It's 10:30PM now & I guess I should be asleep but my mom left us with the kids again & Bella won't let me sleep.. Bleh. I'll just post this tomorrow... today? Today if it's tomorrow, & tomorrow since I'm typing this out tonight.
The wild BIANCA is confused! It hurt itself in its confusion...
I was editing this because I wrote it late at night... I'm in class & I saw Stephen with the ROTC kids dressed in their gear & someone pushed him against the glass on our door & HAHAHAHAH. I looked up just in time, too!
Matt, can I help you with something?
Our teacher sent us to another room because they were fixing this thing & the projector in her class, so we all walked around the hallway to find the classroom we would be staying at meanwhile. Matt & the girl behind him were the first ones out but then she went back in so I was left alone with Matt in the hallway. But then everyone else came out & we started walking to the room. I was secretly trailing behind him because he knew the school better than I did. So then people started walking ahead of him & he slowed down so he could walk by my side & I felt really weird. And then we started talking about a varsity game we had tomorrow. That was our entire conversation. Not that I minded, I mean, band stuff is all we ever talk about. I saw my other friend & I kind of used her as a scapegoat to get away from Matt. And then he sat behind me when we arrived at the other classroom. He didn't bother looking my way in our last period of the day. Did I upset him? WHOOPSIES. Sorry, Matt. ;u; I just felt really awkward soRRY.
Matt, you better effing come to the game tomorrow. I know we don't talk, but you keep me company when everyone else leaves for the halftime break. Don't leave me alone on the bleachers! :"(