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2015-02-17 14:19:17 (UTC)

Making Myself Perfectly Clear

February 17, 2015 Tuesday 1:25 PM

 Strange dreams. A dude, someone I do not remember seeing or meeting in real life (he was adorable uughhh), was flirting with me. I didn't know his name. I simply called him Rich Boy. He had a lot of money. An assassin broke into his house. There was only one way out the house which was on the first floor. The assassin was on that floor. We were on the third. He shoved a sedative into my hand and told me t take it, that he'd find someplace to hide me. I remember hugging Rich Boy. His nose was nuzzled into my neck and my arms were around his waist. He stumbled into me and pressed me into the wall. It was desperate and sad and I kind of felt like I was about to jump off a bridge. Weird. I was so desperate to change how my dream was working. I almost began to lucid dream but I guess my mind couldn't handle it and I woke up very confused, in the dark (it was 6 AM).

Later, when I fell asleep again, Laney was in my dream, waking me up. This was funny because I had already been woken up three times before in real life by my mom calling. Two of those calls were butt dials. It was super annoying. Anyway, so I fell back asleep and dreamt I was being awoken by Laney. We apparently had a field trip to go on.

I got dressed. I felt drunk the whole dream???? My body was covered in pen drawings of beautiful flowers. My entire boobs were flowers, the center being the nipple. This was probably because I was thinking about tattoos before I fell asleep. But really, I want nipple piercings. I think they look really cute and ugh. They're a lot of work, though.


I was thinking about something and I'm always paranoid that everyone I know secretly reads this diary and just doesn't tell me. ughh that'd be horrible. What I wanted to make clear was: even though I want to stay away from depressed-hispanic-kid (although the real problem is that I don't want to stay away from him which is why I have to, you feel? eh. It's really trivial and stupid anyway so whatever), I still think he should go to Peer Leadership.

I remember he used to post a lot about being depressed, hence the name which I considered changing several times since it's kind of... not mean, but like, would I want to be described as depressed-looks white but is actually hispanic-girl? No.

The point is, I think Peer Leadership is really good for guys especially because, even though sometimes Brock makes things too touchy-feely, it is a place where you can work through problems without feeling like you are in an outpatient group therapy program.

I can actually say that because I've been in those group therapy things. They were a lot like Peer Leadership but the environment was not as friendly.

I considered quitting for a time but Peer Leadership is amazing.

Oh! Also, I'm a vegetarian now. I decided to do this because

-I feel sick all the time
-I've been really depressed
-I'm fat as fuck

I was a vegetarian almost all of freshman year and I remember feeling a lot better about my body and I felt healthier. This year, I've been pretty much nauseas and tired all the time.

If being a veggie doesn't work, I'll have to try other things. I am also going to cut back on how much bread I eat. I just want to feel better again. I think changing my diet my help my brain chemistry.



I hate that whole victim thing. Like, "don't play the victim."

I get it, but I hate it because I always feel like whoever says it is talking directly to me, whether it's in a recent pop song or a stone tablet that has been buried at the bottom of the ocean for fifteen hundred years.

It makes me feel really bad about myself. The truth is, I like wallowing for a little while. I like to just sit there and cry and be a victim. That's not wrong. I used to think it was wrong and people made me feel guilty for "playing victim" or for feeling sorry for myself.

Actually, no. I was just showing that I have sad feelings about something. Crying is good for the soul and no one should try and take that away.

In that way, I agree with Brock. People try to stop other people from showing their feelings and that really sucks because so many people, including me, turn out to be fucked up teenagers.

Okay, I'm not fucked up but I have issues with sharing things with people because I hate crying in front of them. I have a hard time with all that.

I'm not saying we all have to touch each other all the time but... well, I don't have a solution right now, actually.

I'm just angry because I want to be able to cry without feeling guilty and shitty afterwards.

And I don't want to feel guilty for being depressed. That makes it worse. I see this advice, "Oh, if you're depressed, do this and this and this and this."

Not saying it doesn't work, but I have tried and tried. I honestly can't seem to control my moods from week to week. Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think of beautiful things. Sometimes, the exact opposite.

I guess I'm technically a victim of General Anxiety Disorder and chronic depression but I've gotten through it before so it's not too terrible.

It's inconvenient and terrible and I feel like I'm never going to heal, but I am okay. You know?

I don't know what I was trying to say. So much for "perfectly clear".