"Catfish" by Waxahatchee
February 15, 2015 Sunday 11:03 PM
It's late and I'm thinking about depressed-hispanic-kid without even really thinking and I cannot stress how STUPID that is.
It's so stupid that I don't even want to list the reasons why it's stupid. Fuck me. I suck.
Also, my arm is ugly because I was really depressed earlier and I thought about cutting just because it hurt so bad but then I thought, "Wow, I'm insane and I hate myself so no" and I put away the sharpness and instead doodles on my arm while watching Friends.
EVERYBODY IN THAT SHOW ANNOYS ME BUT I STILL WATCH IT. WHY? Except for maybe Chandler. Even his constant sarcasm gets really annoying, though. I do like staring at Joey's nose, though. It's so goddamn straight. Phoebe is okay but she reminds me of my Uptight Hippie Aunt, only minus the Uptight. They even have the same job (massage therapist).
But!!!! ANyway. I don't, like, blame depressed-hispanic-kid. But I do wish he'd stay farther away from me. Running into him is inevitable but, like, if he does happen to be in my vicinity, can't he sit on the other side of the room?
It's not that I don't like him. More like the opposite. I swear, he makes me crazy. For no reason. Which, I guess, makes it even more insane. I'm already off-kilter enough as it is and I don't need fucking arrogant, girl-crazy dominican boys making it worse.
That was kind of mean.
Seriously, though, I have a problem and it's creepy. I half hope he hates me and thinks I'm a stalker just so he'll stay AWAYYYY from me. Although I don't think he would think I'm a stalker. He probably thinks I'm strange because I won't look him in the eye and I basically pretend he doesn't exists BUT I HAVE MY REASONS AND MY REASONS ARE
THAT HE SAT TOO CLOSE TO ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES AND IT MADE ME FEEL REALLY CREEPY AND GROSS.
I was paranoid. My brain is thinking, "He's taunting me. He knows I sent him those anonymous messages over the summer so he's trying to bother me, get it out of me. That's why he brushed up against my knee, that's why he threw that foam block at my face four fucking times (long story. it didn't annoy me but still he needs to pretend I'm not there). He said that thing during the game, he said my fruit name, and he did it SPECIFICALLY to bother me."
Part of my brain is thinking all that bullshit while the REST IS SUPER ANNOYED BECAUSE WE ALLLL KNOW THAT'S A LIE.
I'm so contradictory and torn. I don't want this. Idon'twantthisIdon'twantthisIdon'twantthis.
See, this is what anxiety does to me. Especially when mixed with crushes. I think it's why I wanted to have a crush on Adrian, because he's a Pure Person (ok he's probably masturbated or some shit but that just makes him MORE PURE and MORE HOT because boys make amazing sounds okay I have said too much. I was trying to say he doesn't have to be pure. Pure is kind of an intense label to put on someone who you are acquainted with) and he's trustworthy.
Ugh, he's so good. I still really want to be his best friend because he's so smart and pretty and we have similar interests (still talkin' about Adrian, okay).
I don't have a crush on depressed-hispanic-kid, at least not that I know of. The problem is, I'm freaking out NOW (okay that may be be an overstatement, whatever) and I don't even have feelings for him?
I don't even know him and I'm "freaking out"?
That's weird. That's obsessive. And if he inspires that in me, I want to stay far away from him. I don't want to be a creepy person and I can only handle these kinds of clingy feelings if I know that person clings back.
Ugh. What's worse is I'm not even a clingy person. I think about people I love a lot but I'm not the type to always ask what you're doing. I'm not the type to text you everyday, I'm not the type to even become incredibly interested in a person I don't know.
Which is why I wonder why he is an exception. I do not like it. I am not comfortable with it.
CREEPY THINGS I DID WHEN I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM (just him because I've never been super creepy with my crushes, ugh)
-Stalked his blog
-Stalked his facebook
-Checked his blog daily
-Sent anonymous messages to his blog
And yeah, that's it but I sent a lot of anon messages because I wanted to get to know him without admitting who i was. Let me forget about that, though. Oh my god, do you see???? I'M NEVER THAT CREEPY, NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR.
Ugh, fuck that, fuck everything.
What's weirder is if I had a chance to actually date him, I'm 99% sure I would say no. I'm 80% sure that I'd find out that feelings of being uncomfortable overrode any romantic feelings.
This is what happens with every boy ever. Like, Brian. I was kind of into him. I kinda showed it. He kissed my neck. It felt good but I should've stopped him. It was weird. Afterwards was weird.
That also happened with Jay. I showed interest in him and I let him kiss me even though I did not want that to happen.
Oh! And look. Those are all the boys I've ever been physically close to. I mean, I made out with Sam that one time but she's a girl and I've never, ever been attracted to her. I was just drunk and high and stupid.
Oh god, I was drunk and high. I actually forgot I do such stupid shit like that. Oh! And I got high with that guy I barely knew. What the fuck was his name? I don't even remember his real name. Ugh, we texted a lot... he was hispanic... he asked for nudes... I said no... he never answered me again. Wow. What an ass. Him or me? I guess both. We were both assholes. Me, because I can't hold a conversation after smoking. Him, because he wouldn't fucking answer my texts after I thought he'd handled his rejection like a gentleman. Or are neither of us assholes? Are we just regular reckless teenagers doing regular reckless teenage things?
Most of the time, I'm a good girl, though. I don't like upsetting my parents. I get stuff done. I read a lot and I do a lot of art. I also think a lot. Drinking and getting high? I know I did that, I know I smoked on several occasions, but it almost doesn't seem like me.
Right now is so weird. I keep shivering and I don't know if it's because my house is like fifty degrees or if it is due to the four tablespoons of NyQuil I recently consumed.
I'm tired of getting depressed before falling asleep. I'm tired of sobbing. I'm tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. And, ugh, I wish my body would stop being nauseas.
POINTS THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE GOTTEN, DUE TO MY THOUGHT PROCESS BEING ALL OVER THE PLACE:
-Stay Away from depressed-hispanic-kid (maybe I should call him Mango? It's so much easier)
-Can't believe I'm so stupid
-Don't know why I'm sad
-Pretty sure I'm going to die in a mental hospital. or maybe in a bathtub, bleeding to death with a wrinkled piece of paper in my mouth reading, "I tried and failed and was too tired to get up again"
Nah, that's stupid. Whatever, I have time. I'll think of something.
NO. NO I WON'T BECAUSE I AM A COMPLETELY SANE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO DOES NOT HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND HAS NEVER BEEN LOCKED IN A BRIGHTLY COLORED ROOM, HAS NEVER TORN OPEN HER SKIN WITH A BENT PLASTIC TOOTHBRUSH, HAS NEVER, EVER, HAD HER PANTS STOLEN BY A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR ROOM MATE.
Ah, whatever. I'm cold and I don't care.