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2015-02-14 14:03:18 (UTC)


"Lightness" by Death Cab For Cutie [this song is on my Pandora right now and ughhh it sounds like summer, it sounds like summer. It has the background sounds, the ones I only hear when I wake up on summer afternoons, and I swear I can hear the grass leaning in the wind, UGHHHH]

Your heart is a river that flows from your chest
Through every organ
Your brain is the dam
And I am the fish who can't reach the core.
Oh, instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling

February 14, 2015 Saturday 1:11 PM

I very much love Death Cab For Cutie. They always sound like warm days to me. And I've never gotten bored of them, even though I've listened to them for longer than I've had this particularly diary.

I have so many good memories of summer days. I mean, I have a few of blizzards and playing in the snow at night, which is my favorite. I can't think about it too long, though, because the nostalgia starts to hurt my chest.

But the summer days... Those are everything to me. Golden sunlight, long grass (when I was little, the grass in my backyard grew very tall and I always felt like I was running through a field), picking flowers.

We had a small, rotting picnic table and we would walk around the neighborhood, picking up old pans and silverware that people would leave on the side of the road for the garbage truck to take away.

We'd use all our collected kitchen stuff to make beautiful mud pies. One time, we dug a huge hole in our backyard. We picked the rocks out from the dirt and then mixed it with water and poured it back in. We then had a mud bath. My mom saw us and we got in HUGE trouble. She sprayed us down with our hose's jet setting. I can't remember if it actually hurt or if I was just disappointed. I don't know why i was so upset since I had been afraid while I was in the mud. I imagined myself slipping under and drowning.

Ughhh nostalgia is so nice and painful.

I THINK THEY CHANGED THE FONT ON THIS WEBSITE (I'm such a loser hahaha I immediately notice the difference between Arial and Times New Roman. Ughhh I even know the names.)


I had a strange dream last night.

I let myself slip down an icy cold river. I wanted to get somewhere that was a couple days away and for some reason, I thought the best way to do that was to use my body to float on down a fast moving, churning river. As I was doing this, i realized it was an absolutely terrible idea and I was like, "FUCK, I'M GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH"

Another part of my dream included me being chased by depressed-hispanic-kid and Myra (they're dating). I just wanted them to leave me alone and for some reason, I wanted to die. I felt so guilty but I don't remember why.

I know they were trying to help me but I really, really just wanted them to leave me be. They didn't have bad intentions. Ugh, why was I running?

I stopped because a tree had snatched my hat off my head. I looked up and also saw Caroline's bright pink fluffy hat stuck in there. I thought nothing of it and tried climbing the tree. I glanced back and depressed-hispanic-kid was almost caught up to me. Myra was quite a ways behind.

I continued running without my hat and then I guess I fell??? The two of them helped me up (even though I just wanted them to leave me the fuck alone!!!!!) and dragged me onto the porch of a house with large stained glass windows.

I remembered earlier in the dream, someone had said to me, "You should come over sometime. I live in the house with stained glass windows."

I was dragged inside and it was awkward and I wanted to leave.


I love the lyrics of this song. "Oh, instincts are misleading/you shouldn't think what you're feeling."

THAT'S SO ACCURATE IN SO FEW WORDS. I wish I'd remember not to think what I'm feeling but god, it's so hard?


I talked to imjust_here07 yesterday and she asked me about my mental state. Since I felt okay, I was like, "Sure, I'll just tell her," so I admitted I have been kind of very depressed the past couple weeks. I also said that I wouldn't have told her if I felt bad at that moment.

She said I shouldn't feel ashamed of being depressed but she was sure I already knew that.

You know what's weird? I did know that but I completely forgot. So it was nice to hear. I mean, I'm still ashamed and guilty for feeling it but it was nice that she said that.

The english language is so clunky and confusing.

That had nothing to do with anything. Point is, most people who know I haven't been feeling well lately have been incredibly supportive of me and it's really nice. I don't expect that for some reason.

Some people actually have kind of ignored it when I told them and so I was left supporting myself AND them, but even that is okay because I love them.

Alright. I'm going to stop being dumb. I CAN GO PAINT.

Oh yeah. Today is Valentine's Day. Wow. That's pretty lame for me. Whatever, it's alright. It just feels like any other day, I guess. I hope everyone else has a really nice holiday. I really do. Even depressed-hispanic-kid and Myra, despite their dream stalking. Hahaha xD

Okay I'm dumb bye.


I would love to study etymology. ETYMOLOGY, NOT ENTOMOLOGY. I FUCKING HATE BUGS, I LOVE WORDS. Etymology, the history of words or somethin'. That'd be so fucking cool.

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