UGh, No Title?
"Anna Lee" by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yelstin
Broken throat and a heart that bleeds
Stomach's trembling and I'm getting weak in the knees
February 12, 2014 Thursday 8:49 PM
[Ughhhh the amount of feelings in this entry is horrible. No matter what anyone says, I always feel like the shittiest person when speaking of emotions. Also, don't expect deep thoughts this entry. ughhh. I suck.]
Monday, I was happy. I wrote an entry. I was trying to sleep later that night and I burst out sobbing, crying a lot harder than I normally do. I had been thinking about Aaron. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE DIED. She moved and she hasn't been in my life for awhile. Sometimes, it just feels like I'm the only one who misses her. Lily and Laney didn't know her as long as I did.
I never thought I'd miss her, you know? She faded out of my life. But I guess it still hurts. Gross. So many feelings.
I guess I really cried because I could remember her laugh and the way she'd double over. Or the lopsided look on her face when she was upset. Or her watery expression when she was about to cry. The way she'd tell me I was weird. It's so strange how I remember that so vividly. God. I'm so cheesy.
Tuesday, I felt really bad. I felt super depressed. I never get angry at people but that day, I was late to school and didn't have time to go to my locker. On my way to second period (I thought I didn't have time to put away my stuff since I had just run to the other side of the school to check something with my teacher), the third floor monitor stopped me.
The freshmen are on the third floor so that monitor is always trying to assert her dominance. Second and first floor monitors don't really care. ANyway, she told me to put my bag away and I went, "Really? My locker is all the way downstairs and I have to go to class. Are you serious?"
(She was serious. I WAS TWO FEET AWAY FROM MY CLASSROOM DOOR AND SHE WAS FUCKING SERIOUS. Whatever, she was just doing her job.)
It was really my tone that was rude. I fuckin' never get mad at adults, at least not in front of them. The rest of the day didn't feel real.
Wednesday, I had thoughts of killing myself. I decided I'd probably use pills. Seemed like the easiest thing to do. I wasn't serious, I guess. I just... I was so sad and I don't know why. It seemed to come out of nowhere, the thoughts, the "I want to die, kill me, kill me," and it made me feel pathetic.
Today was better. I am okay. I haven't really thought about killing myself. I just worry that I even had those thoughts. I mean, I haven't thought things like that for a really long time. Maybe it has been a passing thought before, but it hasn't been a daydream subject in, like, more than a year.
Peer leadership was weird.
Depressed-hispanic-kid was there with his girlfriend. They're cute but he makes me uncomfortable because I used to have a huge crush on him and, ugh. I just don't want to be near him, you know? On one hand, I'd like to be his friend and on the other.... it seems to difficult, haha.
I was really anxious and paranoid when he was near me. I hate that. I'd rather he was just another human to me.
SOME GOOD THINGS:
-There is a skinny kid who I will call Mecca. He is interesting and very smart. I'm too tired to give examples, maybe tomorrow.
-I said hello to Aaron's boyfriend today. I like saying hi to him. I feel bad because I don't acknowledge his existence much and he's really nice. He also has really fucking cool hair.
-Two people said they enjoyed their time talking to me at Peer!!!!!!!!!!