Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2015-02-09 20:28:11 (UTC)

How I see you

I see an attractive, young man full of wonder, eager to discover new things. He has such a powerful, positive aura that radiates off of him wherever he goes. He's always ready to embrace new adventures & venture into the unknown. A bit hot-headed & fast to hit, but he's quick to refrain from acting. He's got an amazing, enchanting way of expressing himself, & the way he translates his thoughts into words is incredible. This young man has passed, never to be seen again.


There is another attractive, young man full of wonder... full of wonder for all the wrong things at all the wrong times. This young man has a powerful, negative aura that radiates off of him wherever he goes. He's afraid of embracing adventures & he's terrified of whatever is in the unknown. He's even more hot-headed than the first & even faster to hit, but he's quicker to realize what he's done because he's known it all along... and he doesn't give a single fuck because if he had the chance, he'd do it all over again for all the wrong reasons. This young man can no longer express himself as he'd like to; the charm that was once there has been lost. The way he translates his thoughts into words is nonexistent because he can no longer find the right words to say. He involves himself in all the wrong things, he surrounds himself with all the wrong people... Yet, the people he surrounds himself with radiate with the exact same, powerful, positive aura he once had & still longs for.

How long will it take to resurrect him--the young man everyone loved so dearly? Can he ever regain what he once had?

--

I was video chatting with Elías last night & we were talking about one of our friends who has been dealing with depression. The subject was kind of sensitive to us, so we tried changing the subject to something different. "I wonder what I look like in the eyes of someone else. I probably look like a drunken bastard that eats cake on a daily basis, haha."

Today my teacher didn't have anything planned for us, so he left us have a free writing day--our choice to write about whatever we wanted. I guess I took this as my opportunity to write about how /I/ personally saw him through my eys.

He used to be such a positive person before the thing happened. He used to LOVE reading, playing music, playing video games, learning, traveling. He was such a happy person, always full of energy & smiling, even when he wasn't feeling well. And, once that whole shitstorm happened, it had a huge impact on him because he almost lost himself completely. He stopped playing music, he stopped reading, he lost all the eagerness he had; it was as if I was meeting a complete stranger for the first time because he changed SO much that I hardly even recognized him. Depression did a lot of damage to him... Being schizophrenic didn't exactly help him out either. He's slowly going back to his old self, & his friends & I are trying to bring the old him back. Sure, his friends aren't the best role models... but they all have such a positive outlook on life, & that's helping him get better immensely. And hey, if they want to help him, I'm not gonna scare them away. They're doing a lot to help & I appreciate it. We all miss our old cake loving, window jumping friend.

I guess I see him as being trapped-- a negative person, but inside the negative person, there's the old, positive person that he wants to be again--who wants to regain freedom of his own body & mind. He's stuck & we're trying to help him find his way out. I dunno.

It made a lot more sense in my head... I really liked it though. It sounded good enough to share in my journal, but now I'm not so sure. So I guess I'm sharing this on my journal because I like it now & I'm kinda (really) proud of the way it came out, but I'll probably remove it once I start disliking it.

Also also, I'm kind of jealous that El gets to go out with his friends & have fun while I have to stay home. every. single. day. I can't even leave the house for two minutes because the kids will do something ridiculous like burn the house down. My mom is basically robbing me of my youth in a way by leaving me to watch over her kids while she goes out to do "errands." Now my friends have to visit ME if they wanna talk & my mom doesn't let anyone visit unless they sneak in. Welp. I guess he's lucky because his freedom comes with his age. I hope he's enjoying the college life while I sit home, babysit, & do homework BECAUSE MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE IS SHIT. (I thought it'd be like High School Musical but I nope.) I wish I could be older. Like 18. Or 40. But even when I'm 40, my mom will probably find me & lock me in her house until it's clean. No, she'll lock me in my OWN house until it's spotless.

Sobs.


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