"Company Calls" by Death Cab For Cutie [I JSUT FOUND AN OLD ALBUM BY THEM THAT I HAD NEVER LISTENED TO BEFORE??? I'M EXCITED. IT'S GOOD]
February 9, 2015 Monday 9:10 PM
(I'm getting increasingly nervous as February 28 looms near, the day that my application has to have been submitted to the art program)
First, I freak out because I have two fuckin' weeks left. I need ten pieces of art and I have only six, plus two halves. Unfortunately, those two combined still equal UNFINISHED.
Other times, I freak out because I don't think I'm good enough to get in. I don't think I have the right mind set or the technical abilities.
Days like today, I am fine. I am confident I have the skill to get in the program and I work fast and hard for three straight hours, thinking about nothing but what my hands are doing and what I want the results to be.
Today, I painted, using acrylics, seriously for the first time. I've used acrylics before but for small things, such as:
-I paint shirts and shoes, so I've used it for that
-Once, I copied Van Gogh's Starry Night but I didn't have to shade much. I did a lot of mixing, though.
-I tried painting a nature scene but, as beautiful as nature is, I find it really boring to stare at for several hours.
I did really good. I'm not finished but I started today and managed to get this far:
Check it out if you can because I'm super proud right now but later I'll probably get really self conscious and critical.
Also, I tweaked it after I took this picture so it doesn't look as awesome but whatever.
I've been thinking about my future and it makes me really excited! Funny, because that's the very thing that caused me to attempt suicide, haha.
But anyway. I've been thinking that this year, I have seen my shadow turning the corner and I'm trying to follow and I think maybe it's heading towards art.
I feel like I always knew that but for awhile, being an artist sounded horrible. I can imagine myself, now: poor and starving on the streets.
That'd probably be my own fault, though.
The thing is, I don't want to just learn about art. I looked up schools that also have good history programs and I found out that UCLA has high rated art and history thingies. That's amazing!!!
I have family that lives in California (which is why I lived there for a short period of time), and the rest of my dad's side is scattered in random West Coast states anyway. Except for my one Uncle who lives in New Zealand.
He was cool. He built a cabin all by himself in the middle of the woods, somewhere in Northern California. He raised his children there. He and his wife seemed happy. They brought us to an amazing, clear blue river. I'm serious, it was fuckin' cyan blue, crystal clear. It was what made me fall in love with water. I vividly remember my sister pointing out a spider to me. I screamed and cried. I wonder where that fear came from? I think I was maybe seven years old at the time, which means the fear grew before that.
Once, when I was four or five, my mom was locked out of the house. She was in the basement and she kept asking me to open the door, but there was a spider hanging on the ceiling above her head. I remember shaking my head, never tearing my eyes away from that freaky fucking abomination. I don't know what I thought. I knew it couldn't eat me or anything, it was too small. Still. Mom was mad when I finally worked up the nerve to run up and unlock the door. I was crying.
Anyway, though. That One Uncle was only in that cabin for a couple more months. Then, he moved to New Zealand and one day, my dad told me that New Zealand Uncle said the toilet flushes the opposite way that it does up here in the northern hemisphere. So yeah. I guess I only ever saw him once. I don't even remember his name. Possibly Patrick (what the FUCK, that's a great band name).
Okay. I don't know if I'm actually smart enough to get into UCLA. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing if I didn't make it in. I don't like Los Angeles. It makes me feel guilty. It's full of rich people and fake scenery. It must be so polluted and disgusting down there. I can only imagine the beaches. I wonder how crowded they are? Ugh.
Another thing. What if the people are total douche bags? What if they're just snobby rich kids who think they're deep?
BE PREPARED FOR A RANT:
I KNOW SOMEONE, WHO WILL REMAIN UNNAMED (I could name them. Why don't I? I guess I don't want to tarnish the way I have painted her to be in this diary. I like that idea of her. It's beautiful and clear and bright. I'm not talking about Lily. If it were Lily, I'd probably say it because I like the fact that she's imperfectly perfect. Yeah, anyway) WHO IS REALLY ANNOYING..
OKAY, SHE'S NOT annoying.
That's not the right word. That isn't everything she is to me. She is quite amazing. Great taste in music and books and fun to talk to.
I feel like, as far as politics go, we would agree on a lot of things but... on smaller things, I just don't get her. That's not the point!!!
What annoys me is that she often says that other people say she's mature. That rubs me the wrong way.
I know many people who are mature for their age (example: diary imjust_here07 because she is the epitome of Mature For One's Age. I could go on the explain why but then the entry would just get unnecessarily long. Oh, and if she happens to read this, hello. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile. I get the feeling you don't read this, though, so again, I'm not gonna beg for your forgiveness mid rant. I'll do it later, though. In my head. Before I fall asleep).
I can tell she is proud that other people think she looks and acts older. I am pretty proud when people say that about me, too.
I push myself back to reality by reminding me that these people don't really know me. They can say all they want, but I'm not that mature. I feel strong, childish anger and confusion over simple things. I shout when I shouldn't. I make faces instead of smiling at the camera. When I am wearing my façade, which is just kind of my natural face, people tend to think that I am older. Caroline's friends used to tell me that. I take the compliment, even though it's superficial.
Okay. Wow, i talk about myself a lot, that's annoying.
Anyway!!!! (Jesus Christ, my attention span is horrible)
It's just that I get the feeling that she thinks she is more mature than everyone else. She has horrible self esteem and at the same time, she thinks she is better. She thinks she knows more and has to assure others of this by correcting them all the time and UGH.
Here is why this annoys me: SHE'S JUST LIKE ME, IT'S AWFUL. God dammit, I hate that I'm like that. I get the weird feeling that I'm above other people even though I'm 100% sure that being "better" than anyone who is not a sociopathic axe murderer is impossible.
I love her but I feel like sometimes, she brings out the worst in me. I get an almost uncontrollable urge to tear her the fuck down.
I just want to shout, "YOU'RE NOT THAT SPECIAL," like that will do anything but hurt her.
I don't want to hurt her. Why do I get so mad? She is special. She is. Just not in the way she thinks.
Anyway, speaking as someone who doesn't have it, maturity is overrated. I'm excited to go to college and live my life, but I wouldn't want to speed up the process. I'm happy living my life one day at a time.
(Remember last week when I literally wanted to die??? To death??? What the fuck?)
But yeah. I love her. I couldn't quite put into words what exactly annoys me about her, but that's fine. It helped anyway.
I keep thinking about Adrian which just confuses me. I was watching Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared (it's fuckin' creepy as fuckin' FUCK) and I thought to myself, "Huh. I bet he would like this. It's weird."
A lot of things remind me of him, actually., which as I said before, CONFUSES ME. It doesn't feel like I have a crush on him since most of the time I don't want to kiss him or anything.
Sometimes, this bothers me but for the most part, it doesn't matter. It doesn't hurt to think about him and that's important.
(I have just realized that if I were to describe my life in one word, it would be *shrug*)
*SHRUG* WOULD BE A GOOD BAND NAME TOO!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! I'M CREATIVE TODAY!!!!