LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-02-07 12:56:07 (UTC)

Writing Was a Bad Idea


"Flash Junked Mind" by Milky Chance

[I really like their band name. Milky Chance. It makes me feel like they're trying to say the future is not clear, and so it's a risk you have to take with no solid idea of what the outcome could be. Or maybe they're just lactose intolerant and are taking a chance with milk. bad idea.]

February 7, 2014 Saturday 1:01 PM


I feel better? Or at least I did a second ago before Caroline shoved her fucking armpit in my face.

Or maybe I stopped remembering why I felt okay because the house is somehow SO LOUD, full of noisy, arguing adults who are shouting at me. Lovely.

Ughhh this is every day off for me. Every! Day! Off! The fighting, the nagging, the constant sound of the vacuum and my dad's viola playing over that. My mom complaining about how my dad never does anything and my dad nagging me about returning things to their place and walking the dog.

I hate complaining about my house because my parents are generally amazing, but the never-ending stream of words coming out of their mouth honestly makes me want to cry. Then again, everything makes me want to cry.

They say the same things! OVER AND OVER! And I guess it's my fault that they do this, but every time they urge me to complete a task, I get less and less compelled to do it.
 
ugh, I'm shitty and I feel really bad. Why did I think writing would be a good idea? Oh well. I guess I'll go do something productive and eventually, I'll feel good again which is something vaguely nice to look forward to.

EXCEPT!!! I left my sketchbook in Lily's car! Noooo! I miss it. It has all my things in it, my half finished projects and probably most of the completed works I plan on turning into the program.

Yay art! It makes me feel kind of okay again. I think maybe I'll do that now, to untie the pointless, anxious knots in my stomach.

---


RECURRING THOUGHTS AS OF LATE:

I hate myself.

I kinda want to die right now.

Ugh I'm so whiny.

----

Future self: I'm really sorry that you had to experience this level of annoyance with yourself. You know you wanted to tear yourself away from your body, right? It's a pretty violent image in your head right now. Not really death. Just floating.


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